It Must Be Said...

It must be said.

Before I say it, I apologize in advance (Gina, borrowed that from you!) because I know I am bound to offend someone.

Someone who really meant well.

Someone who honestly is happy for us.

Someone who had no intention but just to express their gratitude for the joy in our lives.

Someone we may know and love and are grateful to have in our lives.

And I’m sorry if you or anyone you know is that someone.

If I don’t say it, though, I’ll burst. I’ve had it on my heart since Wednesday. Probably longer, but our television stints (seriously, Luke is just as precious and adorable on TV as he is in real life, isn’t he?!) have brought up the exact circumstances about which I must speak. Or write, rather. And I've always tried to be honest...especially now for Luke. I always want him to know his mother's heart.

We do not have a 'happy ending'.

Tons of people (and truly, we are honored, humbled and amazed!) saw our TV coverage and shared the links on their blogs/Facebook pages. Each time, because I was ‘tagged’ or ‘mentioned’, I was able to see the posts and the comments of friends of friends of friends.

And we saw SO MANY things like, “Sad story, but glad it ended well,” or “Heartbreaking, but at least they finally have their baby.”

Ahem. We had two babies.

We only get to raise one. Well, we pray each night that we continue to get to raise one. We know there are no guarantees.

As grateful as we are for Luke…for as much joy and happiness and sheer bliss he brings into our lives…our Matthew is still dead. I still mother a grave. My first-born is not with me and I miss him so much every.single.day.

I don’t think that’s a happy ending. I think there really *isn’t* an *ending* to our ‘story’ (save when I take my last breath, maybe).

So, do we have a lot of happy in our lives? Absolutely!!

A happy ending? Not so sure. To me, that implies that we had a struggle; Matthew was born and died and that was a ‘bump’ in the road, but now we have Luke, so we finally had success!

I know that’s not what people mean, and I feel bad even saying anything about it because I do KNOW that the intentions are not to hurt our feelings.

The thing is that it sort of does. It takes me right to the heart of where my emotions have been lately--in that it sometimes seems that Matthew is forgotten because Luke is here. All the hopes and dreams for Matthew just got transferred right on over to the son who is living and can fulfill them. When people ask me (and of course, again, I KNOW it is well-intentioned and NOT ever meant to hurt us!), "Wasn't it all worth it?" (With all, I assume, being the infertility, the treatments, the attempts to adopt, trying another cycle after Matthew, etc.)...I can't answer, "Yep, sure was, because Luke is AMAZING!"

Yes, Luke IS amazing. I love him more than I can even put to words. I did not have ANY idea that I would be so utterly in love with him. I can't imagine my life without him.

But is he 'worth' Matthew dying?

How could any mother be expected to answer that? One child dying to pave the path for another? No, I don't think it's worth it. And I think I'd be a horrible mother if I was ok with Matthew not being here if that's how Luke had to come to be.

Though Matthew died, he WAS SUCCESS! He was our first miracle! He was precious! He was perfect! He was sweet, sweet, sweet and I loved every thing about him.

He made me a mother.

His death doesn’t allow us to have that ‘happy ending’ to a loooooooooong road of infertility, but neither does Luke’s birth—because I’ll never observe a Mother’s Day with Luke without remembering that I, as Linda so eloquently said in her interview, carry one child in my arms and one in my heart.

Our story hasn’t ended…it’s sad and joyous and heartbreaking and redemptive, but it isn’t over.

We live it and are grateful for it every day.

Here are the links to the segments.


http://www.abc2news.com/dpp/news/after-10-years%2C-couple-gets-pregnant-through-ivf%2C-ends-tragically%2C-they-try-again

On Motherhood and Mother's Day...

Today is Mother's Day.

A very different one than last year, or any other year I've ever been alive.

This year, I cradled a precious, sleeping baby boy in my arms during church, and gave thanks to God for the gift of Motherhood.

It's a bittersweet gift, though. Today was also Luke's dedication at church. While we stood in front of so many people who have loved and supported us for several years, and Luke maintained his adorableness by trying to shove his tie in his mouth, I couldn't help but think about how we should have had Matthew's dedication.

That had we, we may never have had Luke's.

How complicated so many feelings are. How my heart could be so full of gratitude and longing at the same time.

Admittedly, a tear or two fell.

I think back to last year...a few days from finding out we were actually pregnant again, and feeling so, so broken. A mother without her child...in a world where if you have no child to show for the labor, your title of mother is a muddy one at best.

Obviously, little Luke WAS with me for Mother's Day last year, so technically, it's not even 'our' first Mother's Day together...but of course I didn't know that then, and I didn't know whether or not I'd ever hold a child of mine in my arms. The desperation of that life, as well as the utter aching for my son clouded every second of the day.

And while it doesn't cloud today, as I recently read somewhere, the sadness and heartache is still here...it's just more enveloped in happiness, rather than happiness being dominated by sadness. For that, I'm grateful--that we have more days where the happy is greater than the sad, vice days where the sad just steals all the happy.

I'm thankful for Luke's role in our lives making that so.

We visited Matthew's grave after church. It breaks my heart that a little boy who brought SO MUCH happiness and joy into my life always seems to end up getting my tears now...tears because I miss him. Tears because I don't always feel like I do him justice. Tears because I am overwhelmed with emotion as I stand at his grave while holding Luke. Tears because I just can't stop them.

For 10 years, I cried at every Mother's Day service. Not much, but always a little as I silently begged God to make me a mother. When my mother died, I cried as I added into my begging some peace as I missed her so. Now, as I dedicate a sweet boy to the Lord, I cry because I miss his brother.

I am comforted by a few things though...mainly that before Matthew or Luke were ever born, I already promised them to God. Foolishly, before Matthew was born, I promised I'd give him to God, no matter what the calling. As if I had any control...

As I was pregnant with Luke, I did the same, though this time completely understanding in a way I never could before that my boys were God's before they were ever mine. I instead thanked God for another blessing and promised to raise Luke to know God to the best of my ability. This morning, we officially made that promise, and though I didn't get to 'officially' make that promise or follow through with that for Matthew, I know that my promise of Matthew's life to God was recognized. The certificate of dedication given to Luke had the verse that is inscribed on Matthew's stone..."For this child, I prayed," I Samuel 1:27. I know it is a common verse, and common for dedications, but it brought me a peace to see it both on Matthew's stone and Luke's certificate. Somewhere in my heart, I hope that God was letting me know He was cognizant of and honored by the promise I'd made with Matthew as I also made the promise with Luke.

I DID pray for both of those boys..."So now, I return them to the Lord. For their whole lives, the will be given to the Lord." I Samuel 1:28

Luke and Daddy had matching ties for the service!

The End Of A Decade...

How could it be? JUST YESTERDAY, we were waiting, waiting, waiting to see if the whole world ended because of Y2K.

And now...a new decade.

2011. Somehow, 'Twenty-eleven' doesn't sound as cute or catchy as 'Tweny-Ten,' does it?

I can't even say that I am SO glad to see it go...because in doing so, I'm saying that I'm so glad to see all the days thus far of my little Luke's life go too and I'm just so thankful for each and every second I know he lives, I can't help but willingly swallow the lumps of sorrow so that I can still taste all the sweet joys this year has brought.

I've had a lot of hard, hard realizations this year. Obviously, realizing that the rest of my life will be lived without watching my first-born grow continues to happen. I think it will until I take my last breath.

I've also realized that when something so life-changing as losing one's child happens, there really are no rules or expectations that anyone can have--me of others and certainly not others of me.

Although both expectations of me and my expectations of others of course occur. They just really aren't fair on anyone's end.

I've realized another miracle--a full-term pregnancy of another amazing and precious little boy. I never honestly believed I'd have ONE of those, much less two.

I've realized that sometimes when we beg God for His comfort and assurances--they don't always automatically appear. Sure, sometimes they do...but often, it takes a little bit of time and perspective to be able to look back and see where He was at work. I think that's where the 'time heals' adage comes in...time doesn't heal, it just gives you the ability to see the other things that DO help heal.

I've realized a lot of things...but I think the one that's hit me the hardest in the last few days, really, is that I was never meant to be able to have both Matthew and Luke on this earth.

I know this will throw some into a whirlwind of thoughts about containing God and telling me how I can't possibly know or believe that...if those thoughts must become words, feel free...I'm just putting it out there. There are lots of women who have lost children and are subsequently pregnant, and bless their hearts, I often read about how they wish that they could have BOTH/ALL their children...the one(s) lost and the new little baby after the loss.

I sometimes find myself thinking that and then realize...it was simply not meant to be. I could never have Matthew and Luke on this earth. I walk by brothers--who I picture to be Matthew and Luke in another world--and think, "That should be me. I should have that."

But I shouldn't. I couldn't. Luke would not be if Matthew lived.

There's no use in even trying to convince me of otherwise--if Matthew had lived, we would NOT have done another round of IVF.

Yes, if Matthew had lived, we would not have 'prevented' any subsequent pregnancies, but honestly, after all the years of trying and all we had to go through just to get Matthew, seriously? Doubtful it would have *just* happened all of a sudden.

And if...IF it did...miraculously...it STILL wouldn't have been Luke. When we did our second IVF cycle, we did ICSI. Which means that the sperm used to fertilize one of my 16 eggs was HAND-CHOSEN. Not a random swimmer to an awaiting, freshly dropped egg. A PURPOSEFULLY picked little sperm PURPOSEFULLY joined with one of the 'hostile' eggs that made it to that point.

It was Luke. He was purposed. And since I firmly believe it was the hand of God that stood behind each and every choice and decision that went into the creation of Luke, it is also my firm belief that Matthew couldn't have lived and still those choices and decisions and purposes exist.

Again, I know this will rattle some. Trust me, it rattles me. It makes my heart hurt. It makes me wonder all sorts of things. It makes John suck his breath in just a bit and ponder how to respond to it (Matthew's and Luke's souls could have existed in any bodies is about as close to something I can wrap my arms around as he can get).

I just don't see any other way. To rationalize that God can do anything and if He wanted me to get pregnant, naturally, with Luke and all his specific DNA, on April 29, 2010 takes away some of the miracle I get in my belief that He blessed us tremendously with the successful IVF cycle.

To rationalize that we were meant to receive the blessing of a successful cycle and the healing properties that were given to us in that means that I have to accept that blessing as a result of Matthew not being alive.

I'd say it was a no-win...but I just can't do that either because regardless....I am the mother of two precious boys. One who waits for me in Heaven and one who is kicking me right now and I pray I meet and hold in just a few days. Two sweet little boys who without a doubt were meant to be. Given to me to love and cherish and mother, even though each child presents (and will continue to present!) unique situations in which I'll do so.

This year was truly the most difficult year of my entire life...and yet, I can't imagine how much more difficult it would have been without the joy and hope that has come with Luke. I told John that I felt like so much of Matthew's 'personality' was similar to mine...and there are some days I just miss that connection that I feel like he and I had. Luke, I feel, is very much his daddy's boy! He lives for food, likes to live the good life, and seems to even have a bit of fun poking at mommy! Matthew seemed very rule-oriented. Luke, not so much! I'm just grateful that I have had the joy of learning about and bonding with another little boy--a very different but just as precious little boy...and in a year that truly has brought me more heartache than imaginable, it has also given me renewed hope and restored happiness.

What do you say about a year like that? Wish it good riddance for the sorrow or wish for another year in which you can have more of that exhilaration and joy?

I don't know the answer, so I won't bother trying. I do know that we are looking forward to 2011 being one filled with a happiness and contentment that only God can provide, while we continue to figure out how to enjoy those blessings while we still ache for our Matthew.

Wishing for and praying for a gentle and joyous year for all.

xoxoxo

Conflict...

I've had these thoughts rummaging around in my head for a bit now...just not sure how to voice them, and still not so sure--they are very jumbled thoughts.

We are 18 days and some hours from Luke's birthday. I can't even describe the joy and excitement I am feeling in anticipation.

Or the fear.

Or the anxiety.

Or the conflict.

So many people have told me that they guessed this pregnancy has draaaaaaaaaaaagggged for me, but for them, it's flown by.

In reality, it's not dragged for me at all. Well, in the last week and a half it has, but mostly, it's flown.

It's flown because I just cannot fathom how over a year has come between me and Matthew. I told Dr. Polko the other day that it might have dragged if it was a regular pregnancy where I wasn't worried about too much other than the 'normal' stuff...but trying to survive each day and then realizing how quickly those survived days have accumulated into more than a year just overwhelms me and sort of reminds me of the first days when I was just reminding myself to breathe.

I still have to do that sometimes.

Days like today remind me of then...cold and snowy...wondering how I'd make it through the next half hour without breaking down in tears and trying to haphazardly get things 'ready' for Christmas. Like then, I don't feel up to Christmas cards or letters this year. Pretty sure everyone on my list has a decent idea of how our year has been, and we just have so much going on right now that I'm pulling the pregnancy card and combining it with the grieving card and just not doing much more than the bare minimum of things needing to be done.

It's so hard to come to the realization that you've already had the best day you will ever have. By the time you were 36. I am sure some will find that a dramatic statement, and maybe feel that once again, I'm not giving enough credit to Luke and the joy he will bring because I am too saddened by the aching in my heart for my sweet Matthew.

Let them. I don't care. Walk in my shoes and then judge me.

Regardless of how dramatic the statement, it's true. I will have, God willing, many, many more wonderful and amazing days. I have had wonderful and amazing and miraculous days since Matthew died.

But the best one...the one where I don't know what it's like to own the 'rights' to a piece of property that contains my baby son's remains...that's already happened.

So, while I have just been extremely thankful for so much lately...I'm still struggling with the reconciliation of what's been lost and will never be again.

And I've started to get really, really aggravated with people who think another baby 'fixes' things. Is it just me, or does anyone ever pay attention to hearing about a woman who has lost a baby and then someone asking "Well, are they going to try again?"

Like that will fix it? Or, "She lost a baby a few months ago, but they plan to try again."

To me, 'trying again' implies failing at something and planning to be successful at it by attempting the same thing.

Like I got pregnant, but he died. Try again.

Like Matthew was born, but he died. Try again.

Like Matthew dying can be fixed with Luke living.

I just feel like whenever anyone is talking about a woman who has lost a baby, the subject of having another child ALWAYS comes up. I'm not sure why, because if a different family member or even friend were to pass, it would SO NOT BE APPROPRIATE to say, "Well, is he going to go get another wife?" "Are they going to try and find a new grandma?" "Well, when's she going to start looking for a new best friend?"

PEOPLE ARE NOT REPLACEABLE.

Of course LOTS of women who lose babies decide to get pregnant again and have another child. NOT TO REPLACE THE ONE THEY LOST.

Because pregnancy is amazing. Because one MISSES feeling the joy of little kicks and little jabs. Because it's just a miraculous process.

Or, because one wants to be a parent to a LIVING child. Don't doubt she isn't a parent. She just wants to parent a living child or children too.

The automaticity of questioning, "Are they going to try again?" after losing a child just bothers me. When the baby LIVES, no one immediately asks, "Are they going to have another?"

So why is it ok when the baby dies? I just don't think it is.

While there is NO doubt that Luke has brought such a tremendous amount of joy into our lives, it has in no way lessened the heartache or the loss I feel with Matthew being gone.

Those feelings, while diametrically opposed, absolutely can coexist. I'm proof, and I know a lot of other people are too.

As I said, very conflicting.

I read something a few days ago that was just so real to me. Mostly because I have really been dealing with the hard facts that come with Luke's sweet little life...while I will ALWAYS be able to say without a doubt that his life is PURPOSED and would not be in existence without the hand of God, that's something also that is difficult for me to reconcile.

We would NOT have done IVF if Matthew had lived.

We'd have transferred our little Yellow Fish and that would have been that, whichever way it turned out. And that little Yellow was not Luke and never would have been.

Those are just the facts.

So reading what I did was comforting. It was a viewpoint on Paul when he wrote that he was, "confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Phillipians 1:6

The viewpoint was that the good work continued until the day of Christ.

Not until death.

In fact, this viewpoint argued, sometimes the purposes of God don't even get started until our deaths.

Which made me wonder about what more purpose Matthew's little life has...not IF there is more, but WHAT.

There's more. I feel it. I know it. I'm thankful for it.