37 Weeks, Braxton Hicks and Nursery Pictures!

Luke is scheduled to make his debut in 5 days, 19 hours, 12 minutes and 32 seconds.

Give or take, of course.

He is definitely flexing his muscle and getting ready! At our ultrasound on Monday, he fulfilled all the things needed for his biophysical profile in about 3 minutes. He was moving all over, breathing, strong...just having a grand old time in there. I told Dr. Sweeney that if he decided we may need to go earlier than Tuesday we'd be ok with that because Luke is STRONG! Not to mention, my latest worry is something rupturing at my scar site because it HURTS. He is really, really, REALLY down there and I'm just worried that all his moving and shaking down there could rupture the scar and then...well, I wouldn't be me if I didn't worry about something. Dr. Sweeney said it looked pretty good--but wants us to come in again tomorrow and be sure all is still well. He remeasured Luke again and feels that he's dead average at about 6 and a half pounds, or so...which is funny because that's what Matthew was AT BIRTH and if I went as long as I did with Matthew, I could have a 9 pounder! Whew!

Tomorrow will be the last ultrasound ("Until the next one," he says--ha ha!) and then, unless there's reason to go earlier, Tuesday we'll go in around 10 and hopefully deliver around 1:00 pm. Hard to believe.

I had my last OB appointment today. Luke was bouncing all over for the NST and John came along. Let me just say there is nothing funnier than watching your VERY micro-managing husband DYING to push the little 'movement' clicker when HE sees (or thinks he sees) movement but cringing when I don't because I didn't 'feel' the movement. Seriously, he was telling me, "Push it! He moved!"

Maybe he did, but I didn't feel it, and since I get to be the boss of that test, I have to say that I sort of took a little bit of glory in being the one with the clicker!!! John sat in that chair, though, clicking air as if it made a difference. He's so funny!

When Dr. Shonekan came in, she said, "Oh...some contractions, huh?" Umm...yep. I'd had them all morning, but not anything really patterned or predictable or too intense, so I wasn't too worried. I had about 8 or so (one a REALLY strong one!) in about 23 minutes or so, but they weren't really long and there was no rhyme or reason to them, so we aren't worried. I've continued to have them all day, and though I still feel like there's nothing more to them but they are Braxton Hicks, I'm keeping track of how long they last and sort of how frequently they come. We see Dr. Sweeney first thing in the morning, so we'll see what he says...still planning on Tuesday, though! I've gained 27 total pounds and think that's probably where I'll end up with overall pregnancy weight. Not too bad. Last night, John and I were looking at me at 27 weeks with Matthew and now...big, big, big difference. At this point with Matthew, I had gained over 42 pounds...mostly fluid. I've hardly had any swelling with Luke, which is one of the reasons I feel his movements even more and the BH feel stronger--Dr. Shonekan says I don't have my shock absorber!! I told her I didn't think I'd ever make it to 40 with Luke and she laughed and said she had no doubt I would have...my boys are obviously very happy in Hotel Mommy and like to stake their claims. That made me smile. Of course, with how much he was moving around this morning, John said he was having one last hurrah and throwing a party to trash Hotel Mommy. No security deposit coming back, we guess.

I have finally gotten around to taking pictures of Luke's room. I got the awesome painting Stephanie did the other day and John hung it last night. I also am including a picture of the quilt that was the inspiration for his room theme--I love that it's all unique and just for Luke. Hope he will love it too!

The Nursery...

How one room can go from the best and most hopeful place in your house to the place you dread so much you think you are going to throw up (literally) just because you walk by the door is beyond me, but part of all that comes with being a mother whose child has died. It never ends. Never ends.

I DID go in this morning, though. In the last few weeks it's been hard to face reminders. While every picture I have is priceless to me, they are all also so hurtful. To look at all the pictures just makes me ache to have him. It stings, physically. So, I've sort of tried to avoid them. Not totally, but enough to keep me from going insane with missing what I wish I had.

Same for the nursery. Matthew's room. Just typing that gives me such a lump in my throat and my eyes instantly fill with tears. I've pretty much avoided the nursery because it is just agony to go in there and know what should have been but never will be. I feel like my head will explode, it hurts so much. On one hand, I wish that I had the guts to just pay someone to go and remove every trace of anything in there because it just hurts so much. On the other, I can't bear the thought of any of Matthew's things being disturbed or gone because it's all I have left.

In thinking about this, though, and still sort of grappling with well-meaning people telling me they are excited about us going back to Shady Grove this year, I realize that the very thing I don't want--people forgetting that Matthew was born and lived, is our first son and can't ever be replaced--is the very thing I indirectly am doing when I avoid his pictures or his room. In not forcing myself to face those things because they hurt so much, I essentially am trying to forget Matthew. It's not Matthew, of course, but rather, the pain and grief that comes with missing Matthew. And yes, I desperately, desperately, DESPERATELY wish I didn't have to deal with that pain and grief.

But remember my new favorite word? Bittersweet? Well, here's another one of those situations. In saving my heart from having to face reminders of all the hope and joy of Matthew, I am robbing myself of all the hope and joy that was Matthew. I simply can't do that. To love him is to love him, period, and I'm just being sort of selfish when I avoid things that make my heart hurt. I've said this before and I mean it: If I knew that it would all turn out this way, I'd still, in a SECOND, do it again and again and again for the sheer bliss I've been privileged and honored to experience. If I continue to avoid the things that hurt, I continue to avoid Matthew, and he's nothing but love and happiness. It's because I love him so deeply that the pain hurts so much, but the bottom line is that I can't have one without the other right now. As that is the case, I refuse to lose one second of loving and remembering him, as painful as it is.

So, I went into the nursery...not for long, but enough. Enough to sit in the chair I never got to rock him in and to look at his name wall that he never got to see. Enough to see the changing station I imagined him wiggling around in and to see the hundreds of books I've been collecting and buying for him. Enough to look out the window that he would have looked out of and enough to dream about all that could have and should have happened in that room.

And that was enough for today.

My sweet little monkey, how my heart aches for you today. Please know that it's only because I miss you and love you so much that these things break my heart. I'm so thankful for them, though, because they remind me of the miracle of you. I'm just trying to get to where they don't hurt so much.

Daddy does the nursery.

Well, I've been alluding to it, but have no choice now but to post the pictures! John got in last Thursday (yahoo!), recovered Friday and bright and early Saturday, was up and at 'em. I knew from that look on his face that it was not going to be a nice, relaxing Saturday. Nope. It was going to be a busy, productive one.

Ok. I was up for that. Sitting doesn't help my back one bit and really doesn't make a difference for the swelling in my feet! So....we hit Lowe's, and I am just thinking we will be *looking* at paint ideas for the room. Again, NOPE. John is gung ho to pick them out, has brought the picture insert from the bedding and is explaining to me that low VOC is a gimmick and as long as we air the room out with plenty of time, all will be fine with the paint. (I sort of lost the argument when I couldn't remember what VOC stood for and he just thought I was on the latest froo-froo bandwagon.) After deciding on the two tones of paint (something blue--maybe Blue Satin? and Cloth by Laura Ashley), we headed back toward the chair railing. We picked that out--well, he picked it out and I said, "Mmmhmmm," and as we walked by the flooring, John said, "Let's check that flooring out."

We walked down the aisle, looked at the flooring we had already sort of decided upon and lo and behold...it was on sale! At this point, I have decided that a nap was probably not happening, and John decided we might as well get the flooring too. Twelve boxes of the flooring later, and we were FINALLY on our way out. I was LOVING Lowe's that day because we asked if they were still giving a military discount (10%) and they WERE! This is often iffy, so we were feeling very lucky that day! That discount saved us over $70 and we essentially got all the things we needed to convert that room for quite a bit less than I expected. Again, thank GOD John can do all the work and was motivated to do so!

By the time we got home, it was late afternoon and I didn't have much expectation for productivity, but that boy of mine is DETERMINED, to say the least. I felt bad, so I helped him tape (he'll disagree, but I touched the roll) and painted the bottom part...or at least cut in the trim. WHICH, by the way, I HATE. I hate painting anyway, but cutting in the trim is the WORST. I just don't have the patience. In any event, Matthew decided he'd had enough of me being on all fours warbling around the bottom of the wall and told me to go take a nap. Yes, sir.

I left that room with the bottom blue painted and John starting the top walls. NO MORE THAN AN HOUR LATER, seriously, I woke up and he had finished painting all the walls, taken the carpet up, taken the padding up, and put down two or three rows of the flooring planks!! HOLY COW! I'm telling you, that daddy wanted that room done! He thankfully called it a night, but on Sunday after church, he finished the flooring and got part of the chair rail up! We had Dixie's agility stuff going on, but then he worked on it when we got back and has been squeezing work on it this last couple of days in between his real job.

Tonight--the payoff....he finished EVERYTHING today, put the crib together, moved the furniture back in and couldn't wait to show me when I got home. Unbelievable.

So...without further ado, here's the nursery...so far. We still have some decorating to do, a bookshelf and chair to buy and a rug to find, but WOW has it come a long way!

The beginning...

AFTER...but no furniture yet

Introducing some of the stuff...and a huge me!

Dixie and mommy...all we need is a baby Matthew!

Your nursery furniture...

Boy, is daddy having fun! Today we dragged Grandma out and we looked around at nursery furniture. For the record, don't let anyone tell you that *I* am the one who has expensive taste, because daddy gets to take that crown. In his defense, though, he picked out very solid, strong and handsome looking furniture. Now, if I could just get him to pick out the bedding. He's leaning toward the Jungle Babies, but today we found a cute pattern called Ahoy Mate that has the blues daddy likes as well as the cute little monkey. So...I'm going to just have to force him to make a decision. Until then, here's what your furniture looks like (as well as the Ahoy Mate pattern).

Tuscan crib by Pali

Tuscan Double Dresser by Pali

Ahoy, Mate! by Nojo

Mountains over molehills...

Well, miserable as my allergies are making me, and don't take this the wrong way, I am so happy I have not met my daughter yet. My heart is breaking for those who have met their babies and are waiting for them and don't know how or when they will get them. I'm so worried about the uncertainty on the 'hold' as it is, I can't imagine actually having a specific face to put with the longing that I have and how much it would hurt. Though my agency doesn't have anything official or specific (which sort of worries me, I won't lie) it seems that no one seems to be too worried and sees the 'hold' as a positive thing that will benefit all. Most importantly to me, I think, are the words from the missionaries actually IN Kyrgyzstan and talking directly to the orphanage directors. He said they see this as a good thing, temporary and beneficial for all in the long run, and that's good enough for me. Thank you, Lord for granting me some peace with regard to the 'hold' on dossiers! You are good! Now, can we talk about some peace with regard to my day to day...

Ha ha! Thank God He has a sense of humor! (I know He does! Seriously...my HUMONGOUS attitude in this rinky dink body? I bet He had a good laugh over me!!!)

We set up the 'nursery' last night, in anticipation of our social worker visiting tomorrow. I have to say, school drains me so much that I nearly have the gumption to just say, "Come on in; this is how we really live. Some days, the bed just doesn't get made." Of course, sweet John got home earlier than I did and cleaned up the kitchen and made dinner. Which, I should tell you all, he does OFTEN. I know he reads these little posts on his blackberry, so I want to very publicly thank him for making fantastic dinners and even cleaning up after! I thought it was hilarious that mom sent us one of those emails where you replace the second person's name with yours and send the first person a recipe-- "Guaranteed great recipes and so much fun!" Fun? I just wanted to send her the email back and ask her what she'd been smoking, and I realized--John could contribute! I COULD contribute, if I cared, but that's the thing with me and cooking...I just don't care. Spaghettios / Steak Au Poivre... food's food. Guess I am a lucky gal that John doesn't see it that way!