Happy Easter!

Happy Easter! I never cease to be amazed at how moved I am in church as I sing about Jesus dying on the cross for me. ME. Little old pain in the rear me. He lived to die, and for me. And you. Unbelievable.

Ever since John and I have been married, we try to take a 'family' photo every Easter. Some years it works out, others it doesn't. This year--sorta. Our family pictures of course include whatever furry babies are living with us, and as anyone who calls a dog a pet knows, they sometimes cooperate and sometimes act like the could care less. Today was one of those days. It is also Dixie's 3rd birthday, so maybe she felt like she could really just do what she wanted to do, being birthday girl and all.

As I am totally on the Blurb Book Ball (remember how I love alliteration!) I thought I'd see what I could dig up as far as Easter pictures of years past...many were taken with (gasp) regular film, and doubtfully scanned in for their digital effect, so not sure what I have and what I don't. I also thought I'd throw in a birthday picture or two of our little Miss Dixie Belle. She sure is a spunky gal, and I'll admit it, I love her even more for it. Just don't tell John I said that!

Easter, 1999--TEN YEARS AGO! This was in our wonderful Pensacola with our sweet boy Random...where has time gone?

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Easter 2000--one of my favorite pictures, even though we are missing several key family members...our princess niece, Ellie; our old Raleigh Bear and our PITA Dixie Belle.

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This is John's mom and dad Easter of 2002, on their back deck. I've always loved this picture of them.

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This is John, me and our beloved Random Easter 2004. MAN do we look young!

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Easter 2005--on our deck in North Carolina. Neither Raleigh nor Random wanted to cooperate!

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Easter 2008--Raleigh and Dixie mostly cooperating. This was also one of the pictures we took for our adoption portfolio.

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Easter, 2009--one of my new favorite pictures! Raleigh being his goofy self, Dixie with a pained, "I hate this look" and baby included, though you can't see him very well because he's hiding in my tummy!

Some birthday girl pictures:

The first day I met her...she was so sweet.

May 25, 2006--the day my kids "surprised me" with her. Don't be fooled by how cute she was. That's just a decoy. Really.

Right before she was one. Doesn't she *look* angelic? Yeah. She's not.

I'm 1! I'm 1! Can I eat my cookies now?

2 looks yummilicous too!!!

What? I turn 3 and no cookies? 3 STINKS! (Note Raleigh laughing hysterically in the background!)

We're Home!

Well, after spending a little under a week at the happiest place on earth, we are home...where I am also very happy to be. The ride home was not fun...baby is not being very nice to his mommy and my stomach has just been churning all day. John told him to be nice, but he apparently is a stubborn little guy and doesn't listen well. (I can't really attribute that to my or John's genes because we are both like that, though John is more stubborn and listens less, so I'll give it to him!)

We had a wonderful time with our dear friends. They are moving to Okinawa for THREE whole years and I will miss them terribly. There's a group of us who all met so many years ago when we were all young and newly married and we are family. We try to get together at least once a year (usually around Labor Day) and that may be more difficult now that Okinawa is in the mix! We'd love to trek to Japan, though, so we'll have to buy baby some travelling clothes at some point!

We did end up dealing with the horrendous Spring Break crowds, to the point of being turned away at Magic Kingdom yesterday because they were full by 11:30...Yep, FULL. Shut out at Disney! Thankfully, we have been before, so we weren't that disappointed, and we did some shopping and had dinner, but I didn't know that Disney actually shut parks down. Makes sense, with all the crowds, but still...

I also got to meet Rachel! It's amazing how you can *meet* someone online and then in real-life, it's like you've always known them! And let me tell you, her Alex and Scarlett are just flipping adorable. Unbelievably cute and sweet and just adorable. We took a picture, so that will be forthcoming. Needless to say, shopping and lunch were very fun!!

And now...home. I got several things to wear this summer---thank goodness Loft and White House Black Market are into stretchy knits, as I think I should be able to grow and still look like a human. I also bought two maternity dresses, and have to say that I teared up as I went into Motherhood. I still can't believe that I am so blessed and actually was shopping for me.

My cup certainly runneth over. As we look to celebrate Christ's victory over the grave this weekend, I am just overwhelmed with appreciation and gratitude for my life. This is so much more significant for me with my mother gone...on this day, 6 years ago, she passed away in her sleep. She valiantly fought breast cancer, and though she lost, right up until she died, she believed she would be fine. I miss her so much that it takes my breath away right now as I type. I wish I could share pregnancy stories with her, and most importantly, I wish she would be able to see the baby that I know she always wanted for me. She called my niece and nephew "Grandma's Revenge" because though my sister and her ex-husband both had brown hair and brown eyes, both Kayla and Jacob were born and looked JUST like my blond, blue-eyed mom. With my mom and John's dad gone, I have to admit that I pray I'll be able to see them in this little miracle inside of me.

I miss you, mom.

One healthy heartbeat!

Okay...I'm in BIG trouble (I thought pregnant women didn't get in trouble?) because we are leaving for vacation in Florida tomorrow (YIPPEE!) at 0:dark-thirty, and I have yet to pack, but I HAD to show off baby's 2nd picture...

Okay...so he's (I'm convinced it is a boy...though I did have, for the first time ever, a dream in which I had a baby girl! She had a head full of red hair and we called her Molly Jane. I'm attributing the fact that she was half-hamster to the crazy hormones running around in my body...) an itty-bitty little thing, but he's there and his heartbeat was AMAZING...it looked like a little strobe light. They could even measure his heart rate--101 bpm.

I, of course, cried.

Okay...gotta run, John is going to KILL me if I don't get moving!

And yes, I am disappointed a bit that it wasn't twins, because that means one of my little fishies didn't make it and that's sad. I am absolutely over the moon, though, that this one did--and is doing EXTREMELY well!!!

Prayer, please...

Okay...I admit...I have baby's first sinus infection, says my doctor...and still feeling icky. SOOOO...I stole this from Maria. I don't think she'll mind...and it's truly, truly important...

Please PRAY!!
I just got this information off the Kyrgyz Yahoo Group of which I am a member. For those of you who read my blog, please take just one small second and pray that this meeting brings about WHATEVER is needed to bring those 65 babies home!!!*************I know that so many of you are praying for those of us waiting for our children. The Kyrgyz Parliament is supposed to hear recommendations on adoptions at this meeting. Please pray for that meeting.9 pm on Wednesday night (central time) is 9 am in Bishkek. Please join us in prayer at that hour. None of us is very sure what will come of this meeting. Please pray that the families who are waiting will gain some clarity as to where this situation is going and that compassion for these children is what prevails as the leaders discuss these matters.


Friends...prayer matters and makes a difference. Please pray for the hearts of all those in the meeting to be spoken to in a powerful way. Those children need to come HOME!

Another card...

Okay... working in the germ factory that I do, I apparently have picked some little cold/flu type bug up. (I tell those little critters to STAY HOME when they are sick, but oh, no....they love coming to school and learning...what are you going to do?)

So yesterday and today have been yucky, with yesterday, thankfully, being worse. Worse to the point that I was crying because my head and throat hurt so much. And I was refusing Tylenol, about the only thing considered to be remotely safe for pregnancy. Well, now that John has turned into uber-attention man, he of course did research on what to do. Realizing that I had a temperature, he (and I) both began to worry about cooking the babies on too high heat. So, he convinced me to take a Tylenol. One regular strength. And it helped, a bit.

I woke up this morning with a sore throat even worse than yesterday, and still an aching head. Not quite the temperature, though...I typically run a little lower than most--97.4-97.9 is more my norm range, so when I hit 99-100, that's usually not so great for me. We took my temperature a few minutes ago and it was 98.9...not terrible by any means, but still a tad higher for me. I asked John if he thought I should take another Tylenol and he said, "No. It's not that high."
I said, "Well, I still feel like crap."
He said, "Yeah, but at least you're not burning the babies."

Hooray for me! Here's the card:

Front cover (A sad face and bottle of Tylenol): "Sorry you feel like crap"
Inside cover (A big smiley face): "But at least you aren't burning the babies!"

He's a funny boy, my husband.

Goodbye...

Well, as sad as I am to say this, we are going to say goodbye to Kyrgyzstan. Not to following all the work wonderful missionaries are doing there, not to continuing to sponsor and help when we can. Not to all the families waiting for their beloved children, and certainly not to the prayers for all of those families.

Just goodbye to our dossier and our plan to adopt a baby girl from Kyrgyzstan.

Our caseworker sent out her Friday message and basically it said that someone in office was assassinated, there was some investigation and lots of innuendo to corruption...and basically, the adoption issues are YET again going to be put on the table later...an indefinite later.

When you figure that there are 65 families waiting for their already matched children, and then there are 199 dossiers just hanging out with ours...well, the odds are not looking in our favor. Then you top that off with the fact that our agency is obviously actively trying to get its Kyrgyz families to switch to other countries and Magic 8-Ball is saying, "All signs point to No."

I won't lie and say that being pregnant doesn't influence this decision either. In the beginning...we started this because we were trying to build our family. I've never denied that my purpose for adoption (or pregnancy) was selfish--I want desperately to be a mother. I know some may be uncomfortable with this, and as I've said before...stop reading.

But I KNOW I was born to be a mother. I knew it when I was 5. I knew it when I was 15. I've always known it. I don't know why it has been an uneasy path to get there, but mine is not to reason why.

So, I have all my hopes in RFBF right now, and later down the road, our little frozen Sam-I-Am (just for you, Cindy)...and if they are not meant to be, we still have more cycles with Shady Grove (though I so dread the thought), and if NONE of that works...we'll adopt domestically.
Again, I know that may be disappointing, and for that I am sorry. We have spent the last year+ pouring our hearts into a process that in the end, we really just have no leverage and control in. And that's the way IA works--there is absolutely no reason whatsoever that any other country should do as we say just because we say so. Even IF it is perhaps in the best interest of their citizens, a country's autonomy is its right. And with that comes the realization that there is no recourse that I, a woman used to law and structure and legal ways to right wrongs, have when dealing with another country. Though I know domestic adoptions have their heartaches, at least working within the confines of a system I know and have some power in, I'd feel more comfortable.

And so, on Monday, we will probably end our relationship with our adoption agency. In a way, that will be sort of a relief, because in truth, it has been nearly a YEAR since I have truly felt they were acting in my best interest and not theirs. We will consider the thousands of dollars lost expensive (and heart-wrenching) lessons learned, though I still don't know what lessons, because for most every step of the way, I truly and whole-heartedly believed that we were following paths we were supposed to.

And I will always wonder about the giggly, pig-tailed little girl we would have swaddled in pink princess gear and loved more than she could have ever imagined. Every time I look at something I bought specifically for Emma Jane, I will be reminded of the excitement and anticipation I felt as I bought it. I just hope it doesn't always sting like it does now.

We're still moving on up!

Today's numbers are in:

First beta: 180
Second beta: 1154
Third beta: 3474!

My nurse said that numbers alone were not inidicative of multiples, and of course I knew that. The doubling rate is still pretty above average, though, so that's prety encouraging!

Regardless--one or two (come on two!!!), the numbers are great and they are very pleased. We'll find out next Friday for sure--and we'll see heartbeat(s)! Can you believe that? This is ALL so strange and wonderful and FAST! I love it!

My cup(s) runneth over VERY much! No more wearing this sweater for a while!

My cute baby-daddy...

No major news today...other than I've scheduled our first OB appointment for the 21st of April--I'll be 9 weeks then. I still, STILL can't believe it! I'm feeling ok, tired, worried about every little twinge or feeling I feel, but overall...I'm A-OK!

I have to say that my husband is just adorable. As I sit on the couch watching tv, he has the laptop and is looking up pre-natal development on Wikipedia! "You're here..." he says, as he points to the different things that are happening on the different days.

He was doing something yesterday as I was sitting on the couch, watching tv. (Are you noticing a trend for me?) He came over, plopped himself down and turned his head to look at me. I asked him if he was tired, as we got up at 4:30 and he was my chauffeur for our blood work appointment. He said, "No...just looking at you and the babies."

Seriously. How cute is he? Although his new nickname for me (Baby Incubator) is not quite as appealing as something cutesie like "Kitten" or "Darling", I will gladly wear it!

Gifts and good news!

Well, this morning, we got to get up again at 4:30 so we could be on our way to Annapolis for a 3 minute blood test. WELL WORTH IT!



The general consensus among doctors is that your HCG levels should probably double every 48 hours or so in the first 2-4 or so weeks after fertilization...so, based on that formula, my numbers from Thursday (180) should hopefully have been about 720 today...as an indicator of good progress. Basically, they'd (you know--THEY) like your HCG to increase about 60% every two days.

I got a lovely call from the nurse this afternoon....

"Lori?"

"Yes?"

"Your numbers are great!"

"Really, what are they?"

"1154!"

(YEP--1154!)



"Wow...that's a high number, huh? How are you feeling about one or two implanting?"

"Well, it won't be confirmed until your ultrasound, but you are well above doubling your numbers, so you should probably prepare yourself mentally for multiples...that's a GREAT number for one, but I certainly wouldn't rule out multiples...just mentally begin preparing."



Well now, y'all know I am TOTALLY mentally prepared. I'd love it. Of course, I'd worry about the risk for the babies, but...TWO? BOTH? What a blessing!



So--the ultrasound is scheduled for Friday, April 3. That's where we will see RFBF again (it's been a while!) and see whether there is one sac or two. I pray for two, but am so grateful just for the pregnancy itself--

If you are like my brilliant husband, and are interested in the math of those lovely numbers, here's a breakdown.

Assessment: The Two-Day hCG rise was 153 % and is considered adequate.
First hCG: 180 mIU/ml
Second hCG: 1154 mIU/ml

hCG Difference:974 mIU/ml
Time Difference:96 hours
Total hCG Increase:5.41 % (6.4)
Daily Rate Increase:59 % (1.59)
Two Day Rate Increase:153 % (2.53)

1st Day hCG As If:286 mIU/ml
2 Days hCG As If:455 mIU/ml

Um....yeah...did you note the 153% increase? Yeah...a little bit better than 60%? WAHOO!

In the meantime, sweet little baby gifts from the sweet little girl of a dear friend. Little D is an adorable little 6 year old, and her mommy told me she was very excited to buy gifts for the baby. I was excited to see them!


I LOVE that the little Eric Carle rattle pack is for TWO!

Our first gifts...and still shocked!

Well, I doubt it is the pregnancy yet, but I know I have been glowing today! Again, I have just been overwhelmed with how many people have been praying for us and loving us! I got to school this morning, and before 7:00 am...there's a "Congratulations" card! People hugged me and smiled at me all day long and it was GREAT! Then this afternoon, our foster doggie's new mommy met me at the vet for his last heart worm treatment and brought our first baby gifts!

Some Nelly Negativepants (to use my sister's terminology) of course asked me if I was sure I should be announcing it since it was so early...YES! I have been telling people for 10 years that if I ever got pregnant, I'd SHOUT it from the rooftops and the whole world would know!! Well, that's exactly what I did. IF something goes wrong with this pregnancy, well, support would surely be nice. You can't really be supportive of something you don't know about....

In any event, I'm still shocked and really wish I had someone with me when I took the call because I am so surprised still and wonder if it was real!!! I'll go in Monday to check and see what the HCG numbers are...they should have doubled about twice. They are not the end-all, be-all decisive factors of a healthy pregnancy, but sure is a nice indicator when they are high!

In the mean-time...pictures of our first gifts--from friend and neighbor, Beth.

The cute little bear is holding a sweet and soft little blankie. I LOVE the bibs!!! I love them so much that I feel like I should wear one that says "Mommy loves ME!"

John also got me roses and a card...the card was pretty funny. It's your run-of-the-mill "Congratulations, you did it!" card...but his inscription is great--"Lori, apparently they don't make cards that say 'Congratulations! You're my baby-mama!'"

I told him they don't make those cards YET. Just wait. I swear, I need to go into the card making business!!

IT'S OFFICIAL!!

IT'S OFFICIAL!

I'M PREGNANT!!!!!

My doctor FINALLY called this afternoon...as I was in the bathroom (TMI alert) popping in my Vagi-pops (what I call the progesterone suppositories!) with the news. I carried my darned phone around all flipping day...waiting...and NOTHING. No...not until I am on the pot (well, hovering) and not in the best position to actually answer the phone. But, answer it I did...

She first apologized for calling so late (No Worries...I wasn't even thinking about it!) and said, "But I have good news."

"What's the good news?" I asked.

"You're pregnant!!!!"

Friends, as I sit and type, I still do NOT even believe it. I am just in shock!!! I asked what my HCG level was and she said 180 (0r 182..wasn't really paying attention!). I said, "Wow! That's a good number, right?

She told me they were looking for 90-100. Then she asked how many embryos were transferred. I told her "2" and she said, "Hmmm..." Then she said that she wouldn't put money on it, but maybe both had implanted....

I'D LOVE THAT!

So...I'm OVER THE MOON, but still cautiously optimistic. I LOVED the idea of the maternity shirt...but I live in a smaller place and wouldn't find anything. PLUS...I think I'll hold off on buying things until I need them...as we make it through the first trimester.


Friends---thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart...for all the love and prayers. I have never felt so loved and wrapped around and overwhelmed with goodness as today...and I can't thank you enough!

HOORAY! WELCOME HOME, RFBF...for the next few months, at least!!!

SO tempting!!

Oh, friends...the temptation to go out and get a home pregnancy test and take it tonight is so strong right now I can practically feel the lines!

But, I'm not. I said I would wait this one out and I will. Tomorrow we will get up way earlier than any human should have to, drive the hike to Annapolis, give 5 minutes and my blood, then ANXIOUSLY wait for the call tomorrow afternoon that will either confirm my status or prove me otherwise....

In the meantime, I have vacillated between feeling like it will be positive to feeling like it will be negative. Would an HPT even work accurately right now? Should I have started a few days after the transfer so I could gauge whether the HCG was out of my system and then test every day until the beta? (NO! THAT WOULD DRIVE ME NUTS. EVEN *I* KNOW THAT!) Will I start or not? Does progesterone bring it on or stop it? Is this skirt tight because it's positive or because I'm a little flabby? Uggh...up to this point, I've been anxious, but right now, less than 24 hours away from knowing if RFBF made it (or at least one of them) I'm just a basket case.

I said I wouldn't cry if it was negative because I wasn't going to be surprised if it's negative. Well, that's a BFL (Big Fat Lie!) because I am crying right now just anticipating it.

John won't be home tomorrow and that will be good. If it is positive, I'll do quite a nice job of being exuberant even if I am by myself. If it is negative, really, I won't want to do anything but come home, update the Facebook status (priorities, you know) and crawl into bed with some tissues and some DVR Jon and Kate and be by myself.

I have to say, I am just completely overwhelmed with how alone in all of this I am NOT! I have SO many people pulling for me...for us...and I just feel so loved. Lord knows that people all over my school and neighborhood and everywhere in between have kept better track of all this than even several family members have. All day today, people kept telling me they would be thinking of me tomorrow. Let me tell you, it is TESTING time at our school...people are walking on eggshells, worried, anxious, DESPERATELY needing spring break...and yet, they are STILL thinking about me!

And lest I forget all my cyber-friends....well, I have just been inundated with well wishes and love and prayers.

My cup runneth over.

(And I'm not just talking about "The Girls")

Dear Heather...

Okay, so I'm using the guise of my sister Heather to vent, but hey, that's what big sisters are allowed to do. AND, yes, she reads the blog and knows exactly the spirit behind my sentiments.

My sentiments, being of course, that this waiting sucks and it sucks even more because there is a very likely possibility (nay, I say probability, if we are looking at statistics) that on Thursday I will get the results that say this cycle didn't take.

And so, why Dear Heather? Well, she just gets to be the embodiment of all the well-intentioned but pain in my butt comments about "being positive," "not stressing," and the one I thought the funniest (sorry, Heather)--"Welcoming what the universe has in store for me," (Um, by the way, Heather, we need to talk about that, but later....)

I know people do NOT mean it when they say it, but the bottom line is that EVERY time someone tells me that I need to be positive or stop thinking negatively or stop worrying about it, they are basically insinuating that *I* have any control WHATSOEVER in whether this is successful or not, and further, you are insinuating that if it is NOT successful, then it is basically *MY* fault. Now, do NOT get me wrong--my sister, and MANY, MANY others would love nothing more for me than to get pregnant and become a mother. Further, their comments are truly based on nothing more than hope for me and to give me comfort and security...of that, I have no doubt.

But, I'm going to be really, really honest. Those comments TICK ME OFF. It is NOT up to me. I'm pretty sure I've stated before that if I had a nickel for EVERY FLIPPING TIME I thought, no, REALLY thought I was pregnant--I'd be bailing the US out just out of the kindness of my good old benevolent heart. I HAVE been positive and hopeful and absolutely SURE that it was going to happen. Like I said--I have TEN YEARS worth of toys, books, baby clothes and more that proves that. If ME being pregnant was up to my positive and sunny attitude about successfully getting pregnant, well...I'd be rivaling the Octo-mom, trust me. I WAS positive and sunny--every single flipping month, after month, after month, after YEAR that I took my temperature every blessed morning, and took all the fertility herbs and scheduled the "Baby Dances", read the books, prayed and prayed more...did the headstands...you NAME IT. There were days that I was SOOOOOO SURE that it was FINALLY going to be two lines that I bought the stupid little cards to give to John to tell him we were pregnant.

And, for naught.

So, when I approach this cycle, which had a 48% chance of success if all went PERFECTLY to my doctor's plan (which it didn't!) with a little more realism and cautious optimism, forgive me for not doing cartwheels and starting little RFBF's college funds just yet. Like John said yesterday, if I knew I had a 40% chance of dying on my way to work, would I go? Ummm, probably not. His point being that even though it is a smaller chance, it is still chance enough to expect it to happen. I agree.

But, I also have to add this to that....If someone told me I had a 40% chance of dying on my way to work, and I still went, every day, for TEN YEARS, still living at the end of each day....well, I'd have to say that I'd be pretty safe in expecting NOT to die.

So, as I am now 10dp3dt (10 days past the 3 day transfer), and set to take the test on Thursday, I will NOT be surprised if it is negative. I will be very pleasantly surprised if it is positive, and yes, I DO think that could happen. I desperately hope it will happen.

But don't sue me just because I am realistic.

Let me tell you what I think about that....

So, without giving credit for how this was brought to my attention, lest anyone feel like a big-shot for being noticed, I was directed to this, from some post on some fertility blog years ago...

"Some Christians have other ideas about Christianity and IVFA Possibility of Idolatry And for the Christian there is an even deeper challenge to face. If your desire for a child is so great that nothing is allowed to stand in the way of it, then you have exalted that desire above God."Give me a child or I die" is a fundamentally godless attitude. It is the same as to say, "My whole good is wrapped up in my having a child. My life has no meaning, and there can be for me no happiness without one." But when we say that, we have exalted the wanted child to the place in our affections only God may rightly enjoy. Our whole good is wrapped up in God and His will for us, not in our own notions of what is good for us. "You shall love the Lord your God, and Him only shall you serve." But when we will do anything to have a child, that is not what we are doing; we are loving the wanted child above all things else, and serving only our need of him (or her).I do not say this unfeelingly. I could weep for some whom I know even while I say it. But being a real Christian ... taking God and faith in Him seriously ... being radically obedient from the heart, means coming to terms with truth at levels as deep as this. At these levels too, the only way to give God a right obedience may be to accept suffering and loss of the most extreme kind. The story of Abraham having to offer up his only son Isaac is there in the Bible to teach us exactly that, at even the most heart-wrenching, grievous level.I say again, when we take a deliberate hand in the process we bring in a whole new dimension of responsibility. Our choices must be faith-choices, and we must accept responsibility for them, as well as for all that follows from them.Couldn't you just pray for a baby? The Bible way to resolve the problem of infertility was to pray, as Hannah the mother of Samuel did, as Elizabeth the mother of John the Baptist did, and many others. And we must understand why. It is not because prayer is to be preferred to medicine. The reason Bible people prayed about their infertility is because in doing so they acknowledged God in the matter, accepting that the satisfaction of their desire for a child lay at His disposal, not their own. They believed very simply that the power to open or close the womb was God's. So may we.and anyway I thought every sperm was sacred........"

Ummmmm, sooo....here's what I have to say:

• I know, without a doubt, that if I never had a child, my life would go on and God would still continue to bless me. I have OFTEN said in this blog that it is ME...I am the one being selfish wanting a child, and I am fully aware of it. NOT above God...or a relationship with God...just desperately wanting the mother/child relationship. BUT...if it doesn't EVER happen....I WILL LIVE. I've never said I wouldn't.
• I HAVE PRAYED. AND PRAYED. AND PRAYED SOME MORE. So have hundreds, maybe thousands more through the last 10 years. I've even said that I'm big enough to accept that it may just not be in God's plan for me to have a child and people give me the old, "You were born to be a mom...I can't believe that would be God's plan." Well, I can believe it...and if that's the plan, then that's the plan. LORD knows (literally) that I have prayed.
• I have acknowledged GOD in all of this...and if we get pregnant from the procedure, it is because of HIM. I AM a "Real Christian" and am FULLY responsible for the choice I made to go through all this. Basically, the doctors did what often happens naturally in a woman's body, only on a lesser extreme. OFTEN eggs are fertilized, but not sustained and a woman doesn't even know it when her period comes. Same thing happened outside my body...and though it wasn't the optimal or "natural" progression of things, the conception of those embryos and their growth (or lack of) was pretty much exactly what happens IN my (and most women's) body and they may not even know it.
• Every sperm is sacred? So, am I to have a funeral each month when I have my period because that egg didn't get fertilized and make it to a pregnancy? Please.
• I choose to accept suffering and pain because I am obedient to God. And I understand that we live in a fallen world where that happens. Doesn't mean that I have to CONSISTENTLY suffer and face pain when there are opportunities to do otherwise. I rejoice in God and all He offers.

Friends....seriously....I've said it before...if you don't like what I say or what I am doing, you really, truly do NOT need to read. If you have conflicts with what I say or do, fine...feel free to disagree. It's a free country. Just know that since I am NOT paying you to either READ or give your opinion, I don't really give a flying fig about you reading or giving your crappy opinion if your goal is to just tell me how I am wrong.

Maybe I am. Good thing we wait until JUDGEMENT DAY for the ONE who knows to let me know about it. GOD knows my heart, and that's about all I care about.

Happy Birthday, Grandma!

Still not much to update on RFBF except that I hope they have implanted and are steadily growing. A week from now I go in for the blood test and dearly pray I am not "Proven Otherwise!"

Today is my Grandmother Gosnell's birthday. She would have been 96 years old, if she was still alive. I lost a big piece of my heart when she left this earth on July 29, 1999.

She is the center of some of my first memories, and I miss her so much. She is one of the main reasons I am a believer in Christ, as every letter (I MEAN EVERY LETTER) ended with her telling me how much she loved me and making sure I had Jesus in my heart. She had a hard life, and I think she did the best with it as she could.

I think I get a lot of my better qualities from my grandmother--my strong-will, my perseverance, my deep, dark wish to be a genteel Southern Belle...ha ha...I know my mother and my grandmother often fought over the way I was being raised because my mom, obviously had her ideas and my grandmother (another pea in our pod) had hers...and felt hers were RIGHT! As an adult, I can honestly analyze and say that sort of made me feel even extra special, that two of the most important people in my life argued over what was best for me...weird, in a way, but hey...that was me as a kid. In any event, I dare say with the exception of my mother, I don't think another person on this planet has ever loved me as my grandmother loved me, and I hope in things I say and do I make her proud.

She was a woman who was POOR AS DIRT, yet, when she died, we found paper after paper after paper from various organizations thanking her for her generous donations. The generous donation amounts? Usually ranged from $.25-$.50! Hilarious...even after she died, we found those requests (for which she was a MAGNET) all over the place, waiting to be mailed, with one or two little quarters taped to them!

She was a woman who loved flowers, and though I don't think she was a fabulous gardener, she, much like me, tried her best! I know my love of gardening and beautiful flowers is straight from her heart.

She also loved, loved, LOVED music--and not only did she pass that to my mom, but to me as well...Visits with Grandma always involved watching the Lawrence Welk Show and just enjoying beautiful music and imagery. As I said, she was POOR...but always wished to be a classy lady.

Let me tell you...she was.

My grandma holding me when I was just a month or so...maybe...

Happy Birthday, Grandma...I STILL miss you so much.

Waiting...

WOW! What a lucky gal I am! Sooo many people surrounding me (and RFBF) with their prayers and love and well-wishes!! I am truly honored and touched!

So...update? Well, this is the lull! Not much to update. I take the beta test on the 19th and that will be the official update. In the meantime, I'm still taking the estrogen and progesterone, so even though I am "Pregnant Unless Proven Otherwise," even if they fail to implant, I still get to feel pregnant for a while because of being so hyped up on those hormones. Hooray. Which means:

• Nausea
• Ravenous hunger and then disgust the second I put food in my mouth
• Swollen ovaries (making less room for my bladder and more frequent potty breaks!)
• *TMI ALERT* "The Girls" spilling out of their poor little pitiful Over The Shoulder Pebble Holders (Which, by the way, are asking what the HECK this "Cup Runneth Over Thing" I've got going on is all about!!!)
• General fatigue

Oh, I SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hope for nine more months of this. (I really, really, REALLY do. Seriously. I know I am sarcastic. Not about this!)

I DID find out some other news...of the four remaining embryos not transferred, one continued to grow pretty healthily and was frozen for later use. I had predicted maybe one would, the 6 celled one. Or maybe even the 5 celled one. NOPE...one of the little 4 celled ones!! I couldn't believe it! But, like I have been reading (and quoting) MANY a healthy, lovely and bright little child has been born of slower growing embryos...soooooooooooooooo....that's good news. IF this cycle doesn't work, I do transfer that one before we have to do drugs again. IF it DOES...well, then we transfer that in a year or two when we are ready and hope to be blessed with another child.

I must say...I've been so sad about the 3 that didn't survive. I totally, truly and wholeheartedly believe each of those fertilized embryos were lives...and I really feel a sense of loss for their inability to keep growing. It's bittersweet.

And, on a sadder note, I got an email from a former student from years ago...I found out a dear and sweet former student of mine, a boy who had a really troubled life and with whom I connected (and at one point, looked into adopting), is going to be a daddy. He's 14. I cried and cried this morning. So much potential he had...all he needed was the right people in his life and the right environment.

And in a nutshell...there it is.

Oh, and Cindy--we had talked about Sam I Am! But when two came about, we went Redfish, Bluefish! We're hoping that turns into Pink Baby, Blue Baby!!!

PUPO

I love that term. LOVE it. Thank you, thank you, thank you wonderful friend for giving it to me. Thank you LORD for letting me wear it...even if (and I am not being pessimistic, I'm being realistic in understanding that I am too human to understand God's will sometimes, and that's the price I pay as a human...) it is just a short time I get to wear it, I love it and am so hopeful.

PUPO--Pregnant Unless Proven Otherwise. And, here to make their official debut...One Fish, Two Fish, here are Red Fish and Blue Fish:

These two are the cream of our crop...in truth, the one looks a little fragmented to me, and that's not necessarily the best, but all the research says that many a healthy and beautiful child has come from embryos far more fragmented...besides, bless their little hearts, they fit right in the scheme of my crazy life, right?

Dr. K called this morning before we headed out there and told me that where as the day before they were all only 2 celled, now we had 2 that were 8-celled (the ones above, though finding 8 cells is hard) 1 that was 6-celled, 1 that was 5-celled and two that were 4-celled. The remaining that were not transferred will continue to be nurtured and babied to see how much they can grow and if they can make it to 10 cells, they'll freeze them for later use. Sadly, I don't think the poor little 4-celled ones are going to make it.

I realize that the subject of In Vitro is very ethically divisive and full of opinion. So, before anybody decides they need to comment or email me about the pitfalls of all this, again I say, DON'T BOTHER.

I have never been more amazed in my life than this morning watching the doctor insert in me two living and GROWING parts of me and John...and whether they implant or not, don't think for a second that I am not grateful for the LIVES I think them to be. I've had everything from "Well, maybe you were just meant to be a real mom" (like an adoptive mom is NOT a real mom? Bite me.) to "Even if it doesn't work, you can technically say you've been pregnant and that's a lot more than a lot of people get" (Seriously, I am WAY aware of how blessed we are to be able to participate in this program and that others who 'deserve' to be moms don't get this chance...trust me, I KNOW!)

I have prayed over every decision involved in this process, and talked with several dear friends I know would give me honest, Christian opinions. We prayerfully decided what would be done with any that we didn't transfer, and feel that we are making decisions as God would have us make. No, the Bible doesn't really dictate much with regard to protocol for IVF, but it does dictate protocol for life, and it is to be valued. Which is what we have every intention of doing.

And, if RFBF (Redfish, Bluefish) implant, what joy! If they don't, we'll continue to pray for the peace of knowing that God is in control of our lives...whether we get what we want or not.

Two is better than one, right?

Okay, after some mild disappointment yesterday over only 6 embryos coming of 12 mature eggs, I received some more mildly disappointing news today. My doctor called me and told me the embryos were doing great. (His words) He then told me that the transfer was scheduled for tomorrow and he recommended the transfer of two. I asked him about cell division and he said they were 2-celled. Now, seeing as today is Day 2, the outlook for them would be better if they were 4-celled. I asked him what he was looking for them to be tomorrow and he said 6-8 cells. Well, I think that is a low estimate, as the consensus amongst most well-known reproductive endocrinologists, including Geoffrey Sher, is they are looking for 8-10 cells at transfer. I was pretty much confirmed in this because he recommended the transfer of two embryos. Up to this point, he has been VERY adamant about the need to only transfer one, as the pregnancy rates are about the same for one or two, but the multiple rate is significantly higher with two embryos transferred vice one. Well, today, he changed his tune. The basic deduction from that is that the embryos are not as high a quality as he'd like them to be--therefore he wants to up the odds by transferring two...something that he's pretty much against normally. So...

We go in for the transfer tomorrow. I PRAY that they have at least divided into 6 cells because otherwise, there is no point...they are not growing as they should and this cycle will be for naught. I'm going to go with them being much like me, a late bloomer, and hope that in their tiny 2-4 celled DNA, they have MY ability to come along STRONG in the end....Because if left to John's...well, let's just say that I STILL don't have my bookshelves, some walls painted, the deck's not done, the trim in the living room is still marred and his thesis? Don't even ask....

Incubator 23

Yep. That's our incubator. Sounds weird, huh? Yeah, well, it is.

Yesterday was the retrieval and it was not what I expected. It hurt more than I expected but was way faster than I expected. We got there SUPER early because we were worried about being late with the snow, and basically just hung around in our little room waiting. I was freezing, by the way.

I got all the pre-op stuff done, then they started my IV to keep me hydrated (oh, was I hungry and thirsty!) and at 11:45 on the dot (they are GOOD!) went into the room. The embryologist asked me my name and social, told me to lay back and that was that. I DO remember that the stirrups were spread VERY far apart and I think my last words were something like, "Seriously, do you know how old I am? Do you think I'm that flexible anymore?" I'm sure they were glad to put me to sleep.

Next thing I know, I have a tissue in my hand and I am crying because they told me they retrieved 13 follicles. Crying? Yep. The gal who was there in the next room earlier in the day had 23. I was a little disappointed at 13...being the overachiever I have always been. I don't even remember her telling me 13, but John says she did and I just burst into tears. *Hey, I dare anyone to spend weeks shooting themselves up with girl juice and then have the nerve to say something about bursting into tears. That's what girl juice makes one DO!* I was just thinking that with 13 retrieved, and about a 60% fertilization rate from that, and then a third of those fertilized being viable...well....that wasn't going to leave me with too much. *YES...I KNOW...it only takes ONE...I swear, the next time someone tells me that, my head will explode. I've been working with at least ONE a month for the last 10 years and we all know how THAT'S obviously been working for me....*

Anyway...so, I got home and slept. Talk about sore. That's all I'll say. Oh, that, and I'll also mention how fun the Endometrin *supplement* is. NOT.

Today my nurse called me and told me that in Incubator 23 rested our 6 embryos. 13 follicles were retrieved, 12 eggs were mature and 6 fertilized. Which is lower than the 60% statistic. If they fall to the same statistic of a third being implantable, then basically we are looking at 2. Which IS what we planned to implant. And, as John pointed out, leaves us with no decisions (though they've already been made) to make about unused embryos should this first cycle work.

So, here's to God being in control of all of this. I SO like it better that way!

SNOW DAY Part Deux!

Well, even though I had to take the trigger shot last night by candlelight and flashlight (our power went out at 10:30 and didn't return until 5:30 this morning...little chilly sleeping weather!) all seems to be well today. John did a fine job of injecting, actually, and it really wasn't too bad. It was like the Lupron shots...which were not horrible. Not things I'd chose to do with some free time just to do, but not horrible.

Today is a different day, though, and the injection site is a little sore. Okay, a lot sore. Guess that's what happens when it makes it into the muscle, huh?

So, we got a TON of snow! Ranges are between 9-12 inches, which is tremendous for this area! Plus, it is March! No school today and no school tomorrow, which is SUPER because I won't have to take a leave day--they are getting pretty skimpy--except for Friday, the transfer day. John said to think of this snowstorm as God's way of saving my sick leave. Okay, I will. And as always, thank you, Lord!

Here are a couple of pics of my kiddos...including John, who insisted we were up and at 'em at 7:15 this morning to go play in the snow. Oh, when we DO have kids, they will be SOOOO lucky--their daddy will LIVE to play in the snow with them!

This was last night...we just HAD to go out when it started!

Dixie Belle SOOOO loves the snow...this was on the deck...she just runs around, finds balls, buries herself in the snow...too cute!

This is our SWEET foster dog, Rex with John. He likes the snow, but he sure does love John! I just thought this was so sweet!

Hello snow...

Well, of course, as we in Southern Maryland face the biggest snow storm of the year (I almost feel like I should get a rose or be told "I'm fired" or "This is the end of the road for you..." when I say that so dramatically!) I am supposed to "trigger" tonight, go through the egg retrieval (ER for those of you who love acronyms) on Tuesday and the embryo transfer (ET) on Friday...here's hoping that the roads will be ok to travel on Tuesday morning. It's supposed to be pretty heavy duty with regard to how much snow we get (heavy duty for here!) and then it is supposed to stay well below freezing tomorrow and into Tuesday. The clinic is in Rockville, about 2+ hours away. John's loving the opportunity to use the big old truck!

In any event, my E2 level was 1314 today...from 904 yesterday...which is pretty decent. There are about 9 follicles for sure that are of great size, and then who knows what has been happening today and will happen tomorrow? I'm just glad to be done with the shots. Well, mostly...John has to give me one in the badonkadonk at 11:45 tonight. Yep. Exactly. Assisted Reproductive Technology is pretty much amazing.

Here's to a snow day (I'm guessing) tomorrow and some great follicle aspirating on Tuesday and Embryo transferring on Friday. It's going to be a great week!

Patience may be a virtue, but it sure isn't mine...

I know, I know...that's my problem. I have little patience.

HOLD ON...I teach 2nd grade! SURELY you can grant that I have a little bit of patience, right? One must if she can spend an entire day with 18, albeit ADORABLE, 7 and 8-year olds at full steam and not pop each and every one of their sweet little heads off each day, right?

So..forgive me if I am impatient in other arenas...We got our agency's official update on Friday. As always, I sort of laugh at how it is not necessarily news to me...it was a recap on several questions families have been asking. And basically, the same answer we all know...HOPEFULLY the matched families will be with their babies soon and those of us with dossiers there...well, we'll just hope that goes fast and then we will too. Either way, the answer to us is, "Please, exercise patience."

Then the really informative newsletter from the other agency came, and it basically said the same thing, with a little more assurance (in my opinion) because of the actual names of people and experience. Again, though, the same request..."Please, be patient."

THEN today we went for the checkup and I'm hoping to be DONE with these flipping shots...so the gal tells me before she starts that she doesn't think we will have to come in tomorrow because I probably won't be ready. WHAT? Ugh. Then she tells me that I need to be patient, because too fast is not a good thing. (Seriously, I'm wondering if she knows, REALLY knows what a pain in the abdomen this all is?) John again likens it to his slow basted ribs...and she remembered him from the other day when he threw that analogy out there...patience is what makes them good. Yeah. Well, EASY for them to say. I was hoping to trigger (take the shot of HCG so the follicles decide to drop and then go in to retrieve them in two days) today and she said "Well, that sounds good...but...." Anyway, after she did the ultrasound, she changed her mind a bit--she found 9 follicles that were measurable--the smallest 11.9 mm and the largest 16.7 mm (1.2 cm to 1.7 cm, basically....check out your pinky nail and imagine that size or so...) and told me she'd probably see me tomorrow am. Ha ha. Patience THAT. Seriously, she wasn't sure, had to wait until the doctor reviewed...my E2 level was 904 (apparently I like to triple things...dosages, blood levels...I went from 39 to 102 to 321 to 904) and I guess they are feeling it's going to be tomorrow or the next day. GOOD. Because friends, let me tell you, I am tired of these shots.

So, back to my patience issue...I am TIRED of it. "Have patience." "Be patient." Yada yada...

Here's my real deal. I HAVE been patient...for YEARS...waiting to be a mother. I pulled out my senior memory book the other day and "What will you be like in 5 years and 10 years" was filled out by my 18 year-old self. What did I think I would have been like? Married...mother of 2 or three...staying at home, raising and loving them, living in Northern Virginia with 2 dogs and a white picket fence. At 18...I wanted that within 10 years. Well, now nearly EIGHTEEN years later...I have the husband (wonderful) and the two dogs. Living in the DC metro area (that's what I call Maryland). I think I have shown patience.

Patience for the adoption? I've tried. And seriously, how many more ways can you tell 65 people you haven't met but SOOO feel for that you want them to hang in there because their patience will pay off? When you know yourself that patience, patience and more patience is easy to throw at people but hard to apply--especially when disappointment after disappointment occurs.

So...yeah, patience is a virtue. I work on mine daily, I do. I'm just running low on it for so many reasons...here's to RESOLUTION.

You can't go wrong with the Wrights!

Friends...I've *borrowed* this from a blog, but it is all over many...and with good reason, because this is a noble cause.

I may never step foot in Kyrgyzstan...and the needs there will probably continue. Aren't we, as a human race, blessed to know that the Wright family will not only go back, but meet needs and continue to serve God in sacrifice of their own needs and desires? I think so... and if you do also, read on...

*Borrowed Excerpt*
Let's Get it Right for the Wright's!!
Dear Friends of the Wrights, We all know and understand the effectiveness of the work John, Julie and family have done in Kyrgyzstan – the country they love so much and have been called to. Let’s get them there ON THE GROUND full time! We can do this.This post is coming out with other blog posts all over the country – people who have blogs that know the Wrights. Let’s shock them with the provision of financial resources and letters/notes of encouragement to help them return to Kyrgyzstan. They want to go as full time missionaries – they just need our help to get them there.
We propose that we raise a minimum of the following:$20,000 to cover a year’s needs on the home front• Home expenses – the place to come back to

$30,000 to cover a year’s needs on the foreign front • Travel in and out of the country with family 2 x a year • Travel in the country to the different sites • Family expenses – including the educational needs of one daughter • Lodging and meals This is just $50,000. We can do this and we can do it quickly. Here is how. Go to JOHN’S Blog and hit the button that is for the Wrights….support. www.actofkindness.blogspot.com AND guess what – you can watch all that is done there on his blog..you will learn to live vicariously in a healthy way by reading and supporting the RIGHT cause. What an opportunity – Will you help? Let’s do it RIGHT FOR THE WRIGHTS!

Blessings, Lynn and Ruby from LAMb International

I think I can, I think I can...

Okay...so our check up this morning was better than the other day...the tech found 8 measurable follicles (over 10 but less than 20..I think the biggest one --the bossy one--was 13.5) and saw about 6 more that still have some time. She said things were looking good. Then they called this afternoon with the blood results and my E2 was only 321. They didn't think that was low, but I do. Then I look all over the internet and throughout the numerous books I have and you see all sorts of opinion--E2 isn't as big a deal, it is. It doesn't indicate much, it does. It's supposed to be this, it's supposed to be that. You may have to cancel this cycle, you may not. I hate it.

So, I just have to trust my doctor's office when they say, "No, that's not too low. Just keep on the same dose and come back Saturday." Okay. How'd you know I love the shots so much?

I'm still thinking next week sometime will be retrieval and transfer. I'd like it to be Monday or Tuesday still, so that I could have the weekend to rest and let them get good and settled in their (I hope) home for the next 9 months...but, we'll have to see. I bet I go in Saturday and Sunday and maybe even Monday...maybe then they'll tell me to trigger.

As in trigger those little follicles to drop and get ready to be retrieved. Get ready, freddies...I'm getting tired of this regimen!

Tagged times a million!

In light of the fact that I am thinking this cycle may end up cancelled (and seriously, don't bother telling me not to fret over it. It's my party and I'll fret if I want to. ) I figured I would try and do some mindless little things that I have been tagged with, noted by, read and therefore by default been tagged, you get the drift. Actually, pretty much exactly what I need to take my mind off things.

SO...here's the first one. You put your name and the word 'needs' in quotes in the google search box and see what pops up. Here's what, according to Google, "Lori needs:"

1) Lori needs to vent. ('Aint that the truth. Actually, no I don't. I vent quite a bit more than I'd like to, sadly.)

2) Lori needs help. (Duh. In oh, sooooo many things....)

3) Lori needs a team. (NO...actually, one or two would be LOVELY. EIGHT is ridiculous. Next...)

4) Lori needs a life. (Yeah, seriously...I know I do. I've been telling John that for ages.)

5) Lori needs magic. (Oh, boy, do I ever....follicles that grow like magic. E2 numbers that magically quadruple every day!)

6) (Clearly) Lori needs a gelato machine. (Nah. I'd rather just go back to Italy. Living there would be quite wonderful.)

7) Lori needs friends. (Hey, I'm a stranger to no one, but I have to say, I really do have some wonderful ones as it is. Truly, I have friends I love and who love me...I'm rich!)

8) Lori needs to let herself off the hook. (Hmmmm....I'm going to give that one a probably. But knowing what one needs to do and doing it are two different things.)

9) Lori needs to quit. (Wow. This is a loaded need. Yes. That's all I'll say about that.)

10) Lori needs our well wishes. (How funny....this blog is always full of well wishes...save mean anonymous person....I think I'm pretty rich in that arena as well!)

So...there you have it...Google's top 10 of my needs. Who needs Dr. Phil?


The other one is basically you erase my answers and put your own in--the caveat is that each answer has to start with the first letter of your name. You can also only use the word once. May be a bit more challenging...

1. What is your name? Lori
2. A four letter word: live
3. A boy's name: Luke (I LOVE this name!!!)
4. A girl's name: Lily
5. An occupation: Licensed vet technician
6. A color: lilac
7. Something you wear: long johns
8. Something you buy: lamps
9. A food: lentils
10. Something found in the bathroom: Lime Away.
11. A place: Laos
12. A reason for being late: lost your keys
13. Something you shout: Loser. (Usually only at John and in jest...)
14. A movie title: Legally Blonde
15. Something you drink: lemonade
16. A musical group: Little River Band
17. An animal: lion
18. A street name: Lee Blvd.
19. A type of car: Little red corvette (give me a break...I SO don't know cars!)
20. The title of a song: Last Dance
21. Something you'd rather not have: Lazy ovaries
22. A bug: Ladybug, of course.
23. Something scary: Losing John
24. Something beautiful: little ones
25. Something you want: little ones. (OKAY...I did use that twice. Sue me. Again, remember, it's MY party...)

Okay. I'm done.

Might as well be a coke addict...

Before you go freaking out about that title, just don't bother. That's EXACTLY what I feel like. I have more puncture marks in my veins, thighs and stomach than I can count, bruises in places I didn't even know could bruise, and am now on a regimen where I am injecting $600-$700 a night into my body. Sounds sort of like what I'd expect an addict to be feeling and doing.

(IVF--stop reading if you don't care...I don't really care to write about it either, if you want to know the truth...)
So, after Sunday's uneventful visit and instructions to stop the Lupron and up my dosage (by quite a bit) today's even LESS fun. The tech only saw two follicles that were close to measurable (one was 9.3 and the other was 8.5) and several other lazy pieces of junk (those are my terms, not hers) floating around the old ovaries. Then, I got my E2 results. 102. Yep. If you know how much that sucks on day 6, thanks for your sympathy. If you don't know how much it sucks, well...it sucks BIG TIME. And it means that I get to increase AGAIN. AND now have more shots. AND get to spend hundreds of more dollars. YIPPEE!!! Can't you just feel my glee?

Yeah, I know. I'm sarcastic. I'm also apparently not great at making follicles any more. A few years ago, by this point in the regimen and on FAR less medicine, I had 16 follicles and 9 significantly measurable.

Friends, getting older just isn't fun. Worse, realizing that just-about-to-be-36 is 'getting older' REALLY isn't fun.

How's this card?

(Front cover...with one of those pouty little sad faces) Sorry you suck at making eggs.

(Inside...) At least you're tall and rich!

Oh, wait, no you're not.

Umm...I'm really sorry.

Work, ovaries, WORK!

Well, we had bloodwork and another ultrasound yesterday. Still 10 follicles, but nothing measurable. They actually tripled my bravelle and doubled my menopur and took me off the lupron because they thought it was doing too good a job of suppressing and not letting the stimulating drugs work. Well....I wish they'd have thought of that as I was taking the lupron in combination with $75 a vial (* 2 a night) medicines--I understand they are making sure I don't overstimulate, but I just feel like the last few days have been a waste and now I have to really put myself at risk because they upped me so much and took me off the lupron--and I may overstimulate. That's what has happened before. So, here's hoping that the ovaries work. Just right. I feel like Goldilocks. My E2 level was also pretty low, so again, I sort of teared up at the thought of this...things weren't working so well for us when my eggs were young and pretty...now that they are older and uglier, I say, I am not putting a lot of faith in them.

So today I was pretty frustrated with my school librarian. She was talking to my class about how the term African American came to be (as it is Black History Month) and shared with me that students were sharing their 'heritages' and that we were all part American, part something else. One little girl shared she was Japanese American. Another's ancestors from Norway. She said she herself was Lithuanian/English but claims Lithuanian American because she's mostly Lithuanian. Then she asks me what my parent's ancestry is. I tell her Welsh/Scottish/English (that's my mom) and then she looks at me as if she is expecting more. "Is that all, she asks?" Well, would you like me to talk about my dad or the sperm donor, and isn't that fun in front of the kids?
So I just say, "Indian."
"Indian, Indian?" she asks?
"Yep. like Pakistan/India Indian."
"Oh, not like the Indians in Great Britain?"

WHAT?

THEN....she asks another little girl. This little girl is an adopted little girl who looks NOTHING like her parents. She was severely traumatized and abused as a younger girl (she's only 7 now) and as a result, is VERY quiet, introverted, reserved, fragile, you name it. And African American, though to me she looks as if she may have some Asian as well. Apparently to the librarian too, because she asks this little girl if there are any languages spoken at her house? The little girl says no, and then she pushes with, "Really? Not Cambodian or Laotian?"

GOOD GRIEF. LET IT GO.

For the first time, I actually saw what so many adoptive parents talk about with silly family tree projects and the pain it causes those kids and families. I've of course heard about it. But to see one of my little ones...just have no clue of what to say...so sad.

In defense of my librarian...when I told her this little one's situation, she did her very best to make amends...and to let all know that the parents who take care of us and love us ARE our families and what family we belong to.

So much complication for little ones. As if their lives haven't been hard enough as they are...

Looking pa nub...

Okay...to borrow from an old Saturday Night Live sketch...the Buckwheat skit, how's this card?

(Front cover--Big picture of an egg on the front, with lots of little sperm trying their darnedest to get in....) "Wookin' pa nub in all da wong paces?"

(Inside cover) "Screw it. You're going IVF instead! Best of luck!"

Okay, Rachel...waiting for that one to be Photoshopped too!!!!

Don't let the title fool you...

Yeah, don't let it. The title of the email I got this update from was something kin to "Kyrgyzstan issues eviction notice," but as a gal who has been married to a Marine for nearly 12 years, I can tell you friends that basically they are telling us to get the h*ll out of there. And fast. John's take on this? "Oh, we'll probably ask how much the Russians are giving them and we'll try to match that. It's a pretty key base." Oh super! I was wondering how this country was going to get itself into even MORE debt!!! Rock on in racing to beat the Russians! (Wow, for some reason I just had some 80's flashbacks!) For Pete's sake. In any event, we all knew this was coming...somehow it just helps hammer home the fact that I don't think we will be adopting a child from this country. Ever.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090220/ap_on_re_as/as_kyrgyzstan_us_base


In other news *IVF, that is* we (Ha ha--'we' my foot. Only one of us had the pleasure of the bloodwork and the woo-woo ultrasound and it WASN'T John!) had the Lupron evaluation yesterday. All was well. Blood levels good. One ovary has 4 follicle looking things and the other has 5. Sounds great, especially considering I started the actual follicle stimulating drugs last night and have always been a great responder to those drugs. My only worry is that those little follicle looking things don't grow up to be fruitless cysts in the next couple of days. More drugs tonight, and tomorrow night, then we go in first thing in the AM on Sunday and see what's been going on in there. If this is anything like the last time we were on these drugs, they will be wowed and amazed at my ability to make lots and lots of follicles. Odds are in the next week and a half, I will have finished the drugs, had the eggs retrieved and be on the way to transfer some embryos.

Where is Hallmark when you need them? I absolutely think that deserves some kind of sentiment:

"(Front Cover) On this, your special day.... (Inside) May all the eggs you put in one uterus be looking for the right womb. Hope it's yours."

Seriously. I think I have found a new career.

Missing Emma Jane...

Okay...though a few of you who follow my saga (dear sweet ones that you are!) regularly know I am in the middle of IVF (and really, really, REALLY hoping it works!), I started this blog (a little over a year ago--February 9, 2008) as I was embarking on an adoption. For the record, still am on that trip, for what it is worth.

I went out yesterday with a good friend, who is pregnant with twin boys! We saw a cute movie, had a great meal, shopped a little...you know, just a nice afternoon. Somewhere between the drugs I am on, the absolutely ADORABLE baby things out there, the fact that one of my favorite baby stores, Right Start, is in Chapter 11 and realizing that I honestly, truly and wholeheartedly believed that by this point in my life, I would have had a little baby girl from Kyrgyzstan (or heck, at least a referral for one!), I lost it. I cried. I stood right there in front of the sweet little Sleep Sheep (a great deal at 30% off since they are in bankruptcy) and saw an adorable little organic onesie that said, "You are my sunshine," (a special little song for me and John) and cried. I cried for Emma. I thought of the room full of things that I have for a little girl named Emma that I will never know. (Even if an adoption comes through, we've decided to change her name, remember?) A big reason I decided to change her name (if we ever have a 'her') was because for whatever reason, the name Molly Jane kept screaming out to us...and John liked it a lot better. But another reason, I think, if I am honest, is that I just felt that it was not going to happen for us. And in that, I didn't want to keep missing Emma because I didn't (and still sadly don't) think she was ever going to be part of our life. I'm not really sure of how to explain it, but when I decided on a Molly in our life, I basically was saying goodbye to Emma.

And so, yesterday, standing there, I was mourning her. I missed her. I remembered the several things John and I have picked up over the course of the year in hopes of sharing them with her. Mostly, I missed what could be...and in my mind, what SHOULD be. (Of course, in my mind, when I run the world, SO much will be different!) It was not fun, friends, not fun.

But worse, it made me think of the 60+, many of whom I have come to know and pray for, who have been grieving so much more for their children...as they have truly met, bonded and are in love with living, breathing children just waiting to be brought home. I thought about how much my heart hurt missing the idea of Emma Jane, while others I know of have such a deeper sense of loss right now...in that their children are STILL in limbo, and now it looks like they may be for at least ANOTHER month. If you are reading this, you probably read several others who are in this situation and know that JCICS is involved, UNICEF (don't get me started) is involved, the State Department is involved, shoot--Russia is practically involved! You know the situation is dire. I pray for your hearts to be led as God does to be active in what you feel can make a difference. I pray that the projects in play to impress upon those whose hearts need to be touched will be successful and fruitful. I pray that the hearts of those who are hurting so much as they miss their orphanage-bound children are given a calm that allows them to know all thinks work through God.

And I pray that the path we are on to build our family, though I may not be afforded understanding, is one that in the end, gives me peace.

Today's post is sponsored by the letter 'P'

Well, as I'm a big fun of the always entertaining Maria, I read her list of 'B' loves...and told her I was game for being assigned a letter... so.... here goes!:

Here are the rules…If you want to play, leave a comment on this post letting me know, and I’ll assign you a letter. You write about ten things (after doing it, I realized I ended up with 11, but oh well!) you love that begin with your assigned letter, and post it at your place. When people comment on your list, you give them a letter, and the chain continues on and on!

My letter is 'P' --

People! Yes, that's right, I love people! (Even you, mean anonymous blogger who wrote another mean, loser email to me! I'm thinking you just don't have enough love in your life (or a real life to attend to) and so, I feel really bad for you and just LOVE YOU TO DEATH!) Anyway, I am, what you call, a 'People Person' and always have been. Maybe because I love to talk, and people are required for conversation. Well, not really, but the wall is not as much fun to talk to as PEOPLE are!

Purses! I won't lie, as I get older, matching my purses is not as big a deal to me as it used to be, but I do love cute purses--especially with matching shoes. I'm a cheapskate, so I won't pay much for them, but REALLY love getting them as gifts since I won't dish the bucks out!

Presents! I really am one of those people who loves giving presents as much as I love getting them! Maybe even more. I just truly enjoy finding that perfect thing for someone I care about and then watching them really enjoy it. In the spirit of honesty, I like getting them too, though I am hard to buy for, I know. I like to be surprised, but hate to be surprised with good intention but bad application...my poor dear husband knows this! In any event, presents are a great joy in my life!

Purpose! I am a purposeful person. I like to have a plan, and I like to have drive. Some call it high-strung. Potato, Po*tah*to. Either way, I like knowing I was put here on this planet for a reason, and I daily ask for guidance and help from God in filling my purpose.

Plans! Falling right in line with loving a purpose, I love a good plan! Heck, I'm okay with a bad plan. I just NEED a plan. I worry about things not because I like to worry (I don't) and not because I am a pessimist (I'm not) but because if I worry about EVERYTHING--worst-case scenario included--I can PLAN for it. And then, I don't worry as much. Sensible or not, it is who I am.

Prayer! I find great comfort in knowing that I can pray to my Lord any time, any where, for any reason--PERIOD. Prayer to me is like talking to a wonderful Friend--safe, comforting, understanding...just a nice warm blanket that I can wrap around myself. Even when I pray in desperation, and sadly, the human in me does that a lot, I am safe.

Pictures! Pictures and photographs are so beloved to me. They are memories never forgotten and they are precious. One of the things I love best about my hallway upstairs is all the old family pictures of John and me on the walls. I love taking pictures, and would really like to be a photojournalist. I think it would be very cool.

Principle! I'm very principled. Period. I believe right is right and wrong is wrong and that it is my job to make sure that justice prevails. I'm very firm in my beliefs, and am not easily swayed. Being this stubborn is often hard for me because I also try my hardest to not judge others. I truly believe we are not to judge, lest we be judged, but make no mistake. I will not 'ram' my beliefs or principles down your throat, but I'll be darned if you try to insinuate mine are any less worthy because they are 'churchy' or religiously-based. I believe in fair play for opposing sides, and I believe in the end....well, we'll all know without a doubt what the truth is.

Puppies! Oh, am I a sucker for the puppies! And the kitties. And the bunnies. And the baby goats even. Heck, anything baby is just about the best thing EVER, but I really do love the pups! I am a dog lover (bet you couldn't tell) and just can't think of too many things that are cuter than a sweet little wrinkly puppy giving you those little licks with that puppy breath. Pure bliss.

Of course, they then grow up into the prissy, persnickety little Diva that my Dixie Belle is, but still...she was so darned cute as a puppy!

Parents! (And Grand-parents!) I love my parents. I tear up as I type this because I miss my mom so much. My mom and I were very similar in a lot of things, so sadly, lots of conflict! But lots and lots of love too. My mom is the reason behind my love of purpose, prayer, pictures, people...(NOT a planner, though!)...my mom chose life when she chose to have me, and for that, I'm eternally grateful. My dad was a man, who chose me as well. He loved my mom, so he loved me. He took me to the Spelling Bee, taught me to love Beef with Broccoli and walked me down the aisle. Lord knows if nothing else, my dad tries to be the best dad he knows how to be, and I am blessed. My grandmothers (didn't have grandfathers, really) so loved me. My Grandmother Gosnell acted as if the world revolved around me (I totally dug that!) and I know it was because she just loved me and thought I could do anything. My Grandmother Mullins, especially as I became an adult, was so thankful for my continued contact with her when other cousins didn't have so much...she may have had her reservations about my mom and dad when I was a baby, but I know she loved me and thought of me as her own flesh and blood. She even told people I got my hair, skin and eyes from her!

Best of all, I got more parents! John's dad was a wonderful man, and again, I tear up as I think of him. He was kind, generous, intelligent, and just an incredible man. I always felt like he was pretty pleased with the gal his son brought home, and loved him so much. One of the (few) benefits of being stationed here at Pax River is how close we are to 'home' in Northern Virginia. It is very comforting to know that John's mom is so close by and always welcomes us 'home' with open arms. Being in the military, home sort of loses meaning, but whether it's because she still (after 16 years!) makes sure 'our' bathroom is clean when we get there, or because she makes us wonderful home-cooked meals or just because she lets us bring our dogs and doesn't grimace once (to US, at least!) about it--home is home because mom always makes it so for us. She's also generous and thoughtful and I'm so lucky to call her mom.

Pensacola! Oh, the beach in Pensacola is absolutely beautiful! I've been to the West Coast and seen the Pacific, I've been to Italy, I've been to Greece, I've been to Croatia, I've been to the Bahamas, I've been to Hawaii....all lovely, I give you. But I have to say that my favorite beach of the whole world is Pensacola...and mostly because that beach's town was home for us for a few years and home for so many wonderful memories for us! Now granted, we were newly married, with John in flight school, so it was tough at times, but we had such a network of wonderful friends! You always hear about how you make friends in the military that stay with you forever, right? Well--for us, Pensacola did not disappoint! Pensacola didn't just provide a wonderful town, wonderful beach, wonderful church and wonderful fun, but FAMILY that we treasure to this very day. Pensacola is my dream retirement place.

WOW! I thought P was hard! Then, I got on a roll and now I've thought of so many more! I love pansies, popcorn, princess crowns, pink frilly dresses, polka-dots, pajamas, penguins, peace, plump pillows, playing cards and board games, popsicles, potato-chips, pickles, pilates, price mark-downs and passports...oh, and to think I was dreading P!

If you are interested in a letter (if you are still reading this incredibly long post) just say so!!!

FRUSTRATION!

Okay, just know now that this is a RANT. I'm frustrated.

Let me be brief:

1) Crazy people in the workplace are not ok. Crazy people you HAVE NO CHOICE but to deal with, well...that's just miserable. Crazy people in the workplace who get away with being crazy makes ME miserable.

2) I really think that Yuma, Arizona is just a military base disguising a bottomless pit that husbands fall into and from which they NEVER COME HOME. Or it seems like it.

3) The hell one has to go through to simply to get what they are entitled to through their insurance is criminal. I was actually told today, by a well-known pharmacy company, that I was the one who expressed urgency and I could either have my medicine by the time I needed it OR wait until they were ready to process my insurance so I would only have to pay my $9.00 co-payment (instead of the $524 full price). UMMMM NO! How about this? How about I get my medicine ON TIME at the price I am supposed to pay. PERIOD. I swear, if ONE MORE PERSON tells me how lucky I am that we get *free* health care, you may just see me on CNN as the newest woman gone plum crazy. Free, huh? Really? So, where's my husband right now as I have to do all this stuff? Where has he been for the last few months? That's right--EARNING my *free* health care. And protecting your rights while he's at it.

PLEASE, I beg you, if you are reading this and offended, STOP READING. I do NOT have the time for your little emails telling me what a whiner I am. (I thought that email did not bother me, but obviously it did, so whoever you are, Anonymous, bravo. Thanks for your two cents. Feel better now? Good. Now, get the heck off my blog.)

4) Standardized testing sucks and anyone who says that it is necessary to measure achievement needs to actually LOOK at a standardized test given to a second grader and tell me what it is measuring. What they know? NOPE. How to take a test. Why on earth is the option NH (as in "not here") given to 7 year-olds on a test? Just ask the freaking question and let them give the answer. Oh, and hey, why don't we make this fun testing last for TWO WEEKS? Then we can not just assess their knowledge, we can assess their endurance too. PLEASE.

Okay. I'm done. This was not brief after all and I could still keep going. So, I'll stop because in light of this all, my sister's lupus has flared up, she has been diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma and is being treated, and she took her daughter, my niece, to UNC's Pediatric Hospital tonight for an extended stay. What room do I have to complain?

And seriously, Anonymous, DON'T bother badgering me again. I'm not forcing you to read this and if all you have to do is read blogs and reply in a mean and negative fashion, you are such a loser.

Just catching up...

Many of you were interested in where I got the story about the moratorium in Kyrgyzstan...well, it came in an email to me from one of the agencies. Not MY agency, mind you...but one I wish I was with and is very reputable! I tried to click on the link that was attached to it and symbols that made absolutely no sense to me came up, so...if you are still interested, here it is... http://www.kenesh.kg/press/news/2009/02/03/Parlamentarii_vystupili_za_ujestochenie_mejstranovogo_usynovleniya_v_Kyrgyzstane

I have no doubt that as follow-up info comes, this wonderful agency and adoption worker will let people know. Thank goodness. My translation skills STINK.

In other news (IVF stuff, so if you don't care, no worries if you want to move on to the next blog!), I start the Lupron on Thursday. I have to say that my primary care nurse is absolutely WONDERFUL. I'm basically with the military's version of welfare medicine, aka Tricare Prime. Now, before you go firing off the emails about how lucky I am that I get *free* medical care through the military, just don't bother. My medical care is NOT *free*. It is paid for through the brave and dedicated work of every military member that has or will be. It is part of my husband's paycheck for being on call 24 hours a day to protect you and your rights. And, MY tax-dollars pay for it. So, forgive me if I expect it to be even halfway close to government-subsidized health care programs. Through Prime, I have little-to-no choice in doctor, appointment access, specialized care, you name it. The pay-off for that is the co-share cost, which is minimal. If I wanted to have more choice and access, I do have the option of going Standard, but will probably pay more in co-pays and other services. So, anyway, I'm with Prime. And, I can honestly say in 12 years of being a military spouse, I have had average to above average care about 90% of the time. Not too terrible, if you ask me. Lately, though, I have had exceptional care with my primary care staff, specifically my nurse. You see, the program we are enrolled in is through Shady Grove and is called Shared-Risk. Basically, you plunk down $20-$27K and have 6 tries (fresh) at pregnancy through IVF. If, at any time, you decide you don't want to do it, you quit and get your money back. The ONLY way they collect their fee is if you end up with a live birth. Not pregnancy, but LIVE BIRTH. If you are successful the 1st time, you've paid them a TON of money extra, but at that point, who cares? That's your risk (and your new baby!) in the contract. If you are successful the 2nd time, you have paid about what you would pay regularly for 2 IVF cycles and it's about break even for the clinic...maybe they make a small portion. Any time after that, well...they are basically losing money on you. So, their agreement to accept you into their program basically says that they are pretty confident they will be successful the 1st or 2nd time, or else, they wouldn't really take you. They lose money and they have to report all those numbers to the Society of Assisted Reproductive Technology, and they don't want to have anything but stellar statistics.

So...that's the program we are in. This program includes mostly everything. Save pre-screening and diagnostics (which the military partially covered and we out-of-pocketed the rest-OUCH!) and medicine. Ahhhh...the MEDICINE. The drugs needed for each cycle are going to cost about $3200. Does my insurance cover any of that, you ask? Well, funny story. Between the unbelievable diligent work on the part of my primary care nurse on base and my IVF nurse at Shady Grove, they got some stuff covered. After all, Tricare Prime DOES have pharmacy benefits like any other insurance program. What didn't they get covered? Just the most expensive drugs...the gonadotropins, otherwise known as the follicle stimulation drugs. Why?

Well, Congress, in its infinite wisdom, has declared that those drugs ARE covered if you are NOT using them with assisted reproductive technology (i.e...up your chances when you do the Hokie Pokie naughty-style). If you do this, there is NO monitoring, and one could VERY easily overstimulate and be very sick (or even DIE!) as a result. These are pretty strong drugs, and they work very quickly. It is just NOT healthy or safe to be making yourself produce boatloads of more eggs than you usually do just to up your pregnancy chances and NOT be monitored while doing so. But, put yourself in a program to do the SAME thing but be safe and monitored, and Congress (who is in charge of our plan) says nothing doing. Now, let's be clear...if John had "issues", shall we say, you better believe that Vi*gra WOULD be covered. So, sleep safely knowing that drugs to help infertility, a medical condition that affects over 7.3 million women, will NOT be covered with taxpayer dollars but no man will have to suffer the humiliation of not being able to put on the party hat, so to speak, because that IS covered. Ridiculous.

Anyway, the purpose of this rant was to really proclaim how very blessed I am with the people who are in charge of my care. They have truly gone above and beyond the call of duty, even for exceptional service, and I just can't say enough about them. And to say that I am thankful for what IS covered through our pharmacy benefits, because every bit helps. AND to say that I, as a taxpayer, find Congressional policy hypocritical, ridiculous and insulting. Then again, it IS Congress of whom I'm speaking, so....

Small Business Rescue Update...

This from Jenny's site as an update for the CPSIA....

• Thank you for your continued support to Save Small Business from the CPSIA. It has been an active week. A stay of enforcement was issued by the Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC) on Friday, January 30th. Although it has stayed enforcement of many provisions of the law, the CPSC has made it clear that they lack authority to fully correct the CPSIA. Urge Congress to provide the CPSC with guidance that will protect toymakers, thrift resellers, publishers, and clothing manufacturers from the unintended consequences of the CPSIA. A technical amendment, the CPSIA Regulatory Relief Bill, will be introduced on the Senate floor soon. It is important that we gain Senate support for this necessary legislation. Here's what you can do:Call your Senator (switchboard: 202-224-3121). Identify yourself as a constituent and ask to speak with the Senator or the staff assistant who follows Commerce issues. Ask him/her to co-sponsor the CPSIA Regulatory Relief Legislation, and tell them if they have questions about the legislation they can contact Tom Jones in Senator DeMint’s DC office at 202-224-6121. Tom’s email address is tom_jones@commerce.senate.gov Ask them to vote for the CPSIA Regulatory Relief legislation when it comes to the Senate floor, possibly as an amendment to the stimulus package as has been rumored. Get five friends to do steps 1-4. We need to show strong support of this amendment in order to get the Senate to pass it. To read the specifics of the amendment, go to:http://demint.senate.gov/public/index.cfm?FuseAction=JimsJournal.Detail&Blog_ID=295d58b2-b6fe-c446-1432-24b6199424edWe have also made strides in our intiative at change.org. We are in the final stages of teaming with a non profit agency and going forward with our national campaign to save small businesses. There is a new petition that you can sign and send a letter to Congress. To see the petition, go to: http://www.change.org/ideas/4203/view_action/tell_congress_to_save_small_business. Our blog posts have also begun. View these at: http://www.change.org/ideas/view/save_handmade_toys_from_the_cpsia .Thank you again for your support. Our grassroots campaign would never have gotten as far as it has without the support of people like you.www.handmadetoyalliance.org

Just thought I'd keep you updated...so many have emailed me about not even knowing. I didn't really either, until Jenny...

Does moratorium mean dead or just sound like it?

According to Merriam-Webster's online dictionary, it just sounds like it. Official definition? 1b. waiting period set by authority. 2. a suspension of activity

So, based on the following article from the Kyrgyzstan press, the moratorium on adoption is not death. Just a suspension of activity. Which, we have all been privy to already, so nothing new, right? Well...at this point, I am going to risk hearing all sorts of what-for and just say it. I so desperately want each and every parent that has a referral for their child to have their child. Period. Even if it doesn't mean that I have mine. A very wise and modest person that I was lucky enough to meet through blogging was kind enough to tell me to give them a call if I needed to have an ear. I did. And in that call, she helped me come to the conclusion that I haven't yet put in writing or even really said...I just don't think Kyrgyzstan is going to be the country from which we adopt. My gut's been telling me this for a while, and though it hasn't been easy to accept that, I think I am at peace with the situation. I would, of course, wish it to be completely different. Heck, I read all the blogging friends' sites and see the most BEAUTIFUL children can hardly breathe missing the pig tails I don't think will ever get to see.

But, I just don't think it was meant to be. I have thought for many months now that maybe God brought Kyrgyzstan (a country previously not even known to exist in my sad little geographical world) into my scope because it was a place that I could do some of God's work through others. Well, John Wright, Jengish, David and Jayne...and many others certainly have given me the opportunity to have my eyes opened. I cannot tell you how good I have felt being even a small part of such large mission projects that have happened in the last year. I even feel selfish because every time I see a post with pictures of people taking part in something we may have sponsored, I just feel FANTASTIC, and that just doesn't seem right somehow!

So...we still are sticking with Kyrgyz as far as not dropping out of the program goes...I just don't think it is going to happen. I've said from the beginning of this blog that my ultimate goal is to be a mom. I thought it was through adoption. (I still remember sitting in A & W with John and him telling me he'd rather adopt because it was a sure thing. HA HA!)

It still may be. I'm just not so sure...

• The Committee for Migration, Labor, Social Policy and Healthcare of the Kyrgyz Parliament, with support from UNICEF, organized the conference devoted to the discussion of "revision of adoption legislation and procedures" which was held from January 30 through February 2 of 2009in Issyk-Kul region. The conference was attended by the members of the Parliament, representatives of the Office of the Government, director ofthe children protection department of the state agency for physical culture and sport, youth affairs and children protection, UNICEF representatives in Kyrgyzstan and others. UNICEF international consultant Erve Boechat was invited from Switzerland to participate inthe discussion of this matter. Parliament member G. Derbisheva reported that this matter requires careful approach and efforts to improve legislation in this field. Last year, the Parliament formed a parliamentary commission to consider the issues of national and international adoption. The commission has not completed its work yet. While it continues to work on the improvement of the legislative framework, the Committee for Migration,Labor, Social Policy and Healthcare submitted to the President an initiative to announce a moratorium on the national and international adoption, reported the parliament member.At the conference, the international consultant made the following presentations:* Problems of inter-country adoption in Kyrgyzstan * International experience and tendencies and main context of international adoption in the world * Evaluation of legal regulation, procedures and practices of adoption and others.A UNICEF specialist particularly stressed the Hague Convention adopted in 1993 and effected in 1995. Today, this Convention is signed by 76countries of the world. It covers children protection and regulates cooperation in international adoption, said E. Boechat. He further informed in his presentations that in Kyrgyzstan 11 charity organizations deal with international adoption and that more than 200children have been adopted by foreigners in the last two years. This issue stirred up a stormy discussion among the parliament members.In particular, the parliament members emphasized that the state must pay top priority attention to this matter and generally to children protection. The legislators insisted that international adoption must be used as a final resort only and demanded to toughen the practice of international adoption. In the opinion of certain parliament members,the handicapped children and disabled people whose treatments is costly may be allowed to be adopted by foreigners. It is expected that this issue will be discussed again at the forthcoming Round Table.