Rambles...

I should start this by reminding one and all who read it that I am pumping myself up with hefty doses of estrogen and progesterone, so the melancholy is even more magnified. (Amber, I asked John. He said magniscope is not a word. I think it was completely fine. There goes the vocabulary neighborhood, huh?)

See, the hormones make me ramble as well.

I failed to mention a few things about my birthday. My amazing mother-in-law, who I couldn't love more if she was my flesh and blood, made me strawberry cupcakes with rainbow chip icing, per my request. She also has been cleaning my house, cooking for me, and making me feel horribly guilty as I've just been sitting on the sofa for several days now.

I got a lovely bouquet of flowers on my front porch when I got home from church. A very full bunch of pretty white daisies, but more special to my heart were the two very special roses also included. One was red, one was yellow. My heart melted.

Today, I got another beautiful flower arrangement...a beautiful yellow bouquet of daisies. The card read, "....I know you love red, but I am thinking of Yellow Fish too."

You know, some people just don't get it. They *think* they do and try to tell you things that DO NOT MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER. ("Hope Yellow Fish makes it and is a boy because then you'll be SET!") Seriously?

Some people don't get it, KNOW they don't get it and just don't say anything at all. I am so thankful for their silence in lieu of the wrong words.

Some people don't get it, KNOW they don't get it and tell you as much...while they tell you they love you and wish it was better. That love and wishing is priceless.

And then there are some people who may not get *it* but TOTALLY get YOU. I am so, so blessed I have so many of those people in my life. Both bouquets of flowers made my days.

John sort of forgot about my birthday. Well, I guess he remembered, and more sort of forgot to do anything for it, in light of the fact that he has been trying to get his aircraft out to Minnesota since January. (Good thing he makes pretty babies and cooks well, huh?)

Today, I got a FEDEX package. To save the driver the aggravation of my zealous hounds, I went outside and met him. As I signed for it, I told him that it was my birthday gift from my husband. He said, "Oh, happy birthday!" I told him it was yesterday. He said, "Oh. Oops. Funny, because it was supposed to be for Tuesday delivery...I just got it to you early."

Did I mention my husband makes pretty babies and cooks well? Oh, yeah, I did.

Anyway, he sent me a watch. (Which should make anyone in our family, or good friends of ours who read this, laugh seeing as JOHN is the one who has love affairs with watches, but I digress...) My current watch doesn't fit so well as my wrist has changed in size since my pregnancy (along with my hip size, my shoulder size, my shoe size and my rib size) and so he replaced it. Very thoughtful.

What I love, though, (and what redeems his lack of memory) is his card. It's a small, very colorful card with lots of little kids on the front. Inside it says, "The whole world is smiling." His words are what gets him out of hot water: "The more I look at greeting cards, the harder it is to find one that says the right thing. At least this card benefits children. (It benefits UNICEF, so we'll have to have a discussion on that later, but anyway....) Also, sometimes, when I feel very alone, especially now that I am away from home, but when I see how many people around the world care about you and me because of our story and your amazing ability to communicate, I feel like the whole world is crying, praying, hoping, feeling and yes, even smiling with us...." There's a bit more, but that's my favorite part.

So please, if you think of me or Matthew, lift John up as well. He misses his baby boy, he is away from home (without the pleasure of his lovely 3-ring dog circus) and it really, really means something to him (and me too) when we are lifted.

As for the disclaimer at the beginning? I cried throughout the entire writing of this. I miss that little boy of mine.

Thank You!

Wow! I am always humbled by the stories of others and the beautiful words they use to tell them. I realize that mine are often inadequate. Katy, who honors her sweet little girl Hannah here at In Hannah's Honor, nominated me for a Beautiful Blogger Award. Thank you, Katy, for not just this, but for the encouraging things you do and say to more than you know! I obviously realize how much of your heart (and hurt) you share, and know how hard that often is. I am inspired by your courage.

The instructions that go along with this award are as follows:
:: Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
:: Copy the award and place it in your blog.
:: Link the person who nominated you for this award.
:: Tell us 7 interesting things about you.
:: Nominate 7 bloggers.
:: Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate.


So..7 interesting things about me? My guess is that in the two years I've been doing this blog, I've probably shared many, MANY things that I *may* not have, had I known that more than 4 people were reading (still can't believe that!) along!!! So, if I am redundant, forgive me...

*1. My wedding took place in the Baptist equivalent of a gym/auditorium/sanctuary. Known to many a Baptist the world over as the FLC (Family Life Center) or some similar acronym, I walked down the aisle (half-court line) a week later than originally planned (and printed, and reprinted on invitations) because our sanctuary was being remodeled and wasn't ready. Don't think I was not considering tossing the bouquet in either of the conveniently placed basketball hoops.

*2. I am a cleaning supply queen. If it has been advertised on tv and claims to do something miraculous in the way of cleaning your house, I probably own it. Maybe I own two of them.

*3. I love to laugh. Laughing has always, always, ALWAYS been one of my favorite things in life to do. I have missed that so much in these last 12 weeks and 2 days. Even as they were prepping me for the c-section, I was laughing because Dr. Finkleston guessed my weight at 160. I obviously was not aware of how emergent the situation was, but even if I was, I think that still would have made me laugh. I was 97 pounds when I got pregnant. I gained 47! I WAS big, but still, for me...160 made me giggle.

*4. I am a voracious reader and always have been. I was reading when I was 3. As a teacher, I have no doubt that *some* of my reading was probably memorized, but I also vaguely remember reading for purpose (the TV guide, for example!). At any given time, there are at least 25 books on my nightstand, and I read through them all eagerly and quickly.

*5. Yellow and orange do NOT look good on me. I look jaundiced. Really. They are NOT good colors for me.

*6. I always, always knew Matthew's name was going to be Matthew. In fact, I always knew I was destined to be mom to Matthew. Even when we were trying to adopt from Kyrgyzstan, I wondered if I made the right choice in requesting a girl because I have had the same dream about 5 times in my life...I don't remember much, but all the times I dreamt the dream, I was feeding a little boy spaghetti. He was about 18 months-2 years, in a high chair, messy as all-get-out and his name was Matthew. Over the course of 11 years, I had the same dream. That's how I was SO sure I was having a boy. That's why I was SO sure God had ordained Matthew and NOTHING was happening to him. A few weeks before Matthew was born, I even worried to John because I never had any other dreams and never saw that little Matthew older than about 2. I worried something was going to happen around Matthew's 2nd birthday.

*7. I HATE being "That Woman"...I know this isn't interesting, but it's certainly something I didn't think I'd ever be. "That Woman" whose baby died. "That Woman" who has been through so much. "That Woman" others are glad is me and not them (I DON'T BLAME THEM!!!!). "That Woman" people pity. I am grateful for the full and compassionate hearts that reach out to me and love me and take care of me, but I hate, hate, hate being the object of it. It's hard, it hurts, and it's very, very humbling. One of the best things I heard in the hospital was from a dear nurse, and I will forever be grateful to her. I told her and a couple of other nurses with her that I was hoping I'd be remembered as "That Woman" who brought chocolates and goodies for the nurses, NOT "That Woman" whose baby died. That dear nurse responded: We don't think of you as "That Woman,"...we think of you as "Matthew's Mommy." That woman is an angel.

Whew. Tired of reading? Again, I don't blame you.

I have no, no, NO idea of how to pick 7 blogs for this because as I said, I am amazed at the stories I've come across and the hearts of people who have shared their lives--whether it was through the journey of adoption, or grief, or just life in general. I think that says a lot about the resiliency of the human spirit and how even when we feel alone, we obviously are not. I wrote today that it is OBVIOUS to me that I am not, because if I was alone, I'd never be able to breathe, much less survive. I thank God for that, because I know that it is through His grace alone that I do. The people with whom I share and identify for whatever reason are those placed in my life by Him specifically and I am grateful for them.

So, I'll make 7 *suggestions*, but hope that anyone who reads this and feels inclined takes the banner and basks in being a beautiful blogger as well. Opening your life and sharing it is really a risky thing, sometimes, and therefore I believe anyone who is willing to do so should be awarded!

My 7 *suggestions* are:
Jenny at Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer, Crazy
Heather at Prayer and Hope
Franchesca at Handprints From Heaven
Heather at In This Storm
Cindy at LaJoy Family
Lauren at Jonathan's Journey
Mala at Mixed Nuts (Thank you friend, for helping me remember laughter!--Jenny too!!!)

As I said...merely suggestions because you can look over at my blog list and see more special hearts shared...I am thankful for each one! Seven is just not enough.

In fact, since 7 is just NOT enough, and is causing me great stress in choosing, I am adding an addendum: If your blog is on my bloglist, you're a Beautiful Blogger too! Take the banner and run with it! (If you haven't already been nominated, which you probably have, because you rock!)

Two Months...

At least I'm not counting weeks, right?

Sixteen minutes from now would be Matthew's two-month birthday. It feels like it was just hours ago.

I have so many, many things going on in my head...as always. I admit that even though yesterday was such a roller coaster day, overall, I ended it being hopeful.

Today, I got up, got out...saw some of my sweet children of years past (and always in my heart) and ran errands. I found myself thinking, "Maybe I am turning a corner."

Then I found myself feeling TREMENDOUS guilt and apprehension about even making that statement. I remember Dr. Polko telling me a few days after Matthew died that I *would* laugh and feel happy again and it was OK. I shouldn't beat myself up for it and it was nothing I should feel guilty about.
When she said that, I remember thinking, "Of course I won't feel guilty. Of course we are not meant to be miserable every day of our lives. Me smiling or laughing doesn't mean I love or miss Matthew any less."

Easy to say when I didn't feel even close to smiling or laughing. In fact, during the days after Matthew died and after his funeral, I was SO, SO, SO grateful for the dear family we had around us because we LAUGHED! We told stories, we remembered the funny things about our family, and we LAUGHED. I didn't feel the least bit guilty then because we *needed* to have levity and laughter in such a horrible and dark time. I know had we not, we may well have just fallen into a deep hole and not come out.
I think, also, I felt more permission to laugh--people were PURPOSELY trying to cheer me up because they were so worried about me and I, ever the eager-beaver-people-pleaser wanted to oblige to make them feel better too.

Now, though...two months later, I can't believe that I actually *do* feel guilty. Though I know two months have passed, as I said, it still feels like hours ago to me. The pain still feels that raw. And yet, yesterday after the doctor appointment, I found myself almost a little bouncy. Of course, that bounce was stopped dead in its tracks when we got to the cemetery, but...there was bounce before. The guilt in that comes from how easily I bounced at the prospect of being pregnant again. Though I KNOW that joy has nothing to do with my missing Matthew, today, it seems almost disrespectful. How can I be so desperately pained and bouncy at the same time?Here is where I can see the validity in Dr. Polko telling me NOT to be guilty about being happy again. Well--having happy moments, I guess is more what I have been experiencing. She was right though. I would and I do.

How in THE WORLD can I even contemplate happy when I don't have my son with me? How does one even reconcile that concept? Here's where the enemy gets you--"You can't love him *that* much if you are already able to laugh." "So what? He's so disposable that another possible pregnancy fixes it?" "Told you...after a bit it will feel like he was never here at all..." And it goes on...

So, I wrestle with that.

Ever since Matthew died, I have been sleeping even more poorly than before. Duh. However, I've found that when I wake up through the night, as I constantly do, things pop in and stick in my head, over and over, and over and over. At first, the song for his slide show, Visitor From Heaven by Twila Paris was what I would hear every time I woke up, or even had a blank thought in the shower or car or anywhere else. Once that faded, When We All Get To Heaven was the constant repetitive song. It is Well With My Soul lasted several days and Above All was another one. It's not just songs, either. When John and I went to Philadelphia two weeks ago, throughout the night, every time I woke up as I tossed, I heard in my head, "PRAY!" "PRAY!" "PRAY!" It was strong and it was fervent, over and over.
Last night was another night where I had the same, constant and repetitive words going through my head. Great is Thy Faithfulness...over and over, Great is Thy faithfulness...morning by morning, new mercies I see. All I have needed, Thy Hand has provided...Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me...
And so they have continued throughout the day.

The worst thing (and every day, I find a new one) I am now encountering is that as the time passes, my feelings of connection to Matthew sort of change. They don't disappear, but change. Even though he would be two months old today, in my head, he is still my wiggle-worm, in utero monkey. He's still that precious, soft-skinned little angel I stroked in his isolette, the little angel I hardly got to see or touch. I don't really have a concept of him at two months, and that breaks my heart. And as time goes on, I fear this won't get any better. It hurts too much to imagine what he would be like at certain stages, yet...to keep him as I remember him seems so small to me. I don't know how to describe it.

I know. I'm rambling. I warned of that at the beginning.

How I'd love to know how my life with Matthew would be different if he'd survived. I know how it is now...and it brings me such heartache.

Oh, how I love my precious baby boy.

Random ramblings....

Some things I've thought I needed to note for posterity:
(Though I have NO memory any more...especially with words, which drives me...what's the word? Umm...you know, not comfortable, ummm..frustrated...NUTS! That's it...NUTS!)

• I can't believe I've broken down and done it but I have. I have used, a couple of times in the last few days, parking spaces designated for "Expectant Mothers" and I was very thankful for them. Mobility is increasingly becoming decreased and while I HATE that I'm using them, as I said, I'm so thankful they exist. Especially since that sadist chiropractor keeps aggravating my piriformus whatever and making me miserable.
• Deciding on important things really makes my whole indecisiveness genes come out in full force. JUST when I think I know what cloth diapers I'm going to order, I see a review of another brand that leads me to another website that leads me to another brand that leads me back to option 1, and then I have a mess to think about. And deciding on a pediatrician? HOLY COW. There are a few in the area that people adore...but hate their staff. OR adore, but hate the staff and the waiting time in the office OR just don't like even though EVERYONE else loves them. OR seem to be *perfect* and so very highly recommended but a good 40 minute drive, which then makes one of my prime considerations of quick and easy access sort of moot. UGH...I'm hoping that in the next two weeks as I meet them, I'll just get that vibe...waiting time in an office is a concern because I don't want a kid any sicker than they already are, but I also understand that to have a good doctor who is willing to see you whenever you need them to, you have to wait. And really...what doctor is going to own up to long waiting times? SO...I'll just have to see what the next two weeks hold.
• I think it really is amazing that a pregnant body really does have a mind of its own. I do not like chocolate. "Yes, mommy, you do," says my boy--and who am I to deny him? Crazy. 3 months ago the thought of a Krispy Kreme donut (something normally loved--but *NOT* when hot!) made me want to puke. Two days ago? I totally detoured across 3 lanes of fairly busy traffic (using the lights, of course) to get to the Krispy Kreme drive-thru, giggled with glee as I bought a dozen donuts (just for myself) and literally could not open that box fast enough. Since when can I eat a dozen donuts by myself in 2 days? Or am ALL over Chic Fil A chocolate milkshakes like they're going out of style. Chocolate.
• Feeling a human being move around in your body is weird. Miraculous, yes...but weird nonetheless.
• I don't think it is fair that there are SO many more cute girl things than there are boy things in stores. Yes, there are some really cute boy things out there. But let's be real...the infant clothing industry focuses VERY heavily on girls and not-so-much on boys. Maybe that's a good thing, though, because I could probably go bankrupt.
• I am huge right now. SO huge I'd almost have a friend take a picture of me looking like I did the other day in a dressing room trying on a skirt just to prove it...but it was HORRIBLE! The PT lady said I gave new meaning to the word waddle? Yeah, well to look at me, you'd think I give new meaning to what one looks like when they swallow a yoga ball. The big size yoga ball. Too bad John isn't around for pictures, ha ha!
• I've been super impressed with my coupon-ing ability--even in this little area. It's work to peruse the ads, but little savings add up and I get so excited! Sunday I got two bottles of my saline solution and a tube of toothpaste FREE after rebate--that's $14! Yesterday, I got 4 mondo-size boxes of Lucky Charms (they are not only Magically Delicious, they are a fabulous night time snack!) for $12 and some change at Giant. If you bought 4 boxes, at $4.99 each, you got $6 bucks back. PLUS, I had a coupon for $1.00 off two and the cashier was SO nice she scanned it TWICE since I bought 4! It was awesome. I know, I know...nothing like Maria's deals, but baby steps--that's what I'm saying. I also got several deals at CVS and ended up with $8 in the extra bucks, which I then applied to other sale stuff. It DOES add up.

Okay...enough rambling. All this talk about Lucky Charms has given me incentive to get off the sofa (which kills me to sit on, so it's never long anyway!) and have a snack.