Five Months Already?

How can this Itty Bitty Baby Kitty

be this big boy now????????

Seriously. How?

I just don't get it.

I feel like it was January 4th, then I blinked, and now it's JUNE! His half-birthday is less than a month away!! I love that it's July 4th--I always planned to have Half-Birthday parties for Matthew since his birthday was bound to be around Thanksgiving every year and winter birthdays are so hard to celebrate in a fun, pool-party kind of way! I plan the same with Luke, though it'll be a bit more difficult this year as we'll be plum in the middle of a move (and hopefully in a house...still remains to be seen where we'll be living)...luckily for Luke, every year, he'll get to celebrate his Half-Birthday with America, complete with hot dogs, apple pie and fireworks!

He's getting so big. Just.So.Big. He rolls over from his tummy every.single.time I put him on it, which makes tummy time even MORE difficult! He can go both directions, but seems to lean more toward rolling to his left side each time. He doesn't fuss at tummy time any more, he just props himself up, looks around, looks at me, and rolls...then looks up at me like, "Yep, how's THAT for your tummy time?"

"Catch ya' later, Tummy Time!"

He's so funny.

He is sitting up more, though still prefers to stand, so he'll arch his back as he digs his feet and then fly back. I do notice that he tries to pull himself up and out quite a bit from his car seat, so at least the brains telling him what to do in order to try and sit himself up. Working on making the muscles follow.

He's 15 lbs., 6 oz. and 25.5 inches long and though those are below average to average percentiles, he looks so darned chunky! Yes, our Pudgalicious is growing and I couldn't be happier.

His eyes definitely are no longer blue. They pretty much maintain a deep green most days, and often with hints of light brown. Who knows? Maybe another brown-eyed baby boy!

He still is having some weird nighttime issues--mainly just settling into nighttime sleep at first shot, vice taking a few times. For instance, so far tonight, he went down at 9 (out like a light) and at 9:30, up and screaming. He went right back to sleep when I went to settle him, but I'm betting we still may have one more round of that before he's out for a longer stretch. Last night was a bit better, it was only about 2 of those 20-30 minute sleeps/wakes before he was out, but for the few nights before that, in the last two weeks, sometimes he'll go to sleep for 20-30 minutes, wake and repeat 4-5 times and not be out until maybe 10:30 (a good hour and a half or more after he was 'put to bed').

There are so many things it could be...developmental milestones, teething--definitely, definitely the signs, though nothing popping through. We had lunch with our beloved Dr. Shonekan yesterday and she agreed with me that it looked like a tooth was at the surface on the bottom right toward the back...I know that's not the typical 'first tooth', but 'typical' doesn't usually describe our family, either. He could be overtired---even though he is pretty happy and jolly during the day, he's not getting super naps (still a cat napper) and just may not get enough sleep--which may only present by the end of the night. He also may be aware of all the CUH-RAZY in our house--getting ready to move does not necessarily agree with my anxiety levels!

Flirting with his "Auntie Doyin"!

Yet move we are. The movers come in less than a week. I'll spend this weekend getting things ready for Luke--things we may/may not need in the next month or so as we wait to see what our housing situation will be.

Good times.

Trying to squeeze in visits with all we can.

We had breakfast with our sweet Sarah and her little girl Olivia...Luke was playing "Hard to Get"

Olivia was persistent, though!!! She got him!

I'm running out of time, though...

That pesky time moving too fast thing again....sigh.

Here are some pics from the week:

Still a little early for baby boy!

This boy can make some faces, that's for sure! Contrary to his face, he loves his Uncle Puny!

Yeah, daddy digs me!

Visiting our brother's resting place...

"Brothers"

One Step Forward...

...eight million back.

Or so it seems.

I've known a good cry was coming any day now. It's been at the surface for several weeks, with the move coming and so many things changing so quickly without giving me much time to breathe. I'll have little cries here and there...in the car over a song (lately, Laura Story's "Blessings" comes on often and tears me up every.single.time.), or going through a bin of clothes that were Matthew's 6-9 months, or finding my journal of his pregnancy and remembering never being happier in my life than I was while pregnant with him.

Little cries as I realize that when we move, we leave the only home Matthew ever knew. The only place that was his. His room. His garden. His woods.

All his memories.

I know we'll be back.

It's just hard to leave. Harder to leave knowing that we are going to an environment that isn't Matthew's, but will be Luke's. I don't even know how to word that. At least here, nothing Luke can or will do is without Matthew as a small part...whether it's sleeping in his room with his furniture or one day playing on the zipline that John swears he is going to build in the backyard--I can still have my little piece of Matthew in all that his brother does.

Not in North Carolina. It will be all new...well, at least to Luke.

And without Matthew.

Before anybody starts preaching to me about how Luke cannot possibly be responsible for 'keeping his brother living,' please know that I realize that. I, more than anyone, want to make sure that Luke never, never lives in the shadow of his brother--but as an equally, though obviously differently loved little boy of mine. It sort of even gets at me when people note how much Luke looks like Matthew, and how great that must be for me because now I can have Matthew in Luke.

Nope, not really.

I want Matthew in Matthew.

Luke in Luke.

Separate, but both.

My heart just hurts so much right now. I'm sure that my emotions are exaggerated by the stress of getting ready to move with a lot of uncertainties up ahead, but today, and lately, my heart has been so, so heavy.

Heavy for other mothers I know (and some I don't, just know of) who have lost babies.

Heavy for Luke never getting to know his big brother, and probably never having a little brother or sister either.

Heavy for how I just cannot believe that 18 months have passed, and yet they seem to have literally flown.

When days dragged, and they did, cumulatively, they still just flew by. Now they don't drag and they fly even more quickly.

And every day, more of my life goes on, in what would 'seem' to be a pretty normally way (to someone who didn't know better), and it goes on without Matthew.

I couldn't even remember what his room looked like last night, because Luke's is so familiar and used to me. I had to look at pictures for the details I'd forgotten.

Ihad phantom kicks for months after Matthew was born...even in the early stages of Luke's pregnancy, when I *knew* it wasn't Luke.

I haven't had a single phantom kick in 5 months.

That's right...tomorrow, my Luke is 5 months old.

My prayer, every night, is that I am able to love him and raise him until my last breath.

I pray he has to bury John and me.

Because I'll be very honest...my heart aches so much right now missing Matthew, and it's been 18 months. It's like that can't-breathe-because-my-nose-is-so-stuffy-from-crying-so-much aching.

I know if something happened to Luke, I'd survive. Simply breathing every day as I have in the last 18 months is proof of that.

I just don't think I'd want to.

Missing my Matthew. Sometimes, Luke will look at me in a sweet, quiet little way and just smile with the most amazing smile. He looks right into my eyes, softly lifts his little hand to my face and sort of feels around and just smiles like I am the most amazing thing in the entire world. Like he *knows* my whole world revolves around him.

It's precious. John says Luke sure does make it easy to feel good about being his parents because he always (except for nights, lately, but that's another story!) seems to look at us with these looks that just ooze his love and gratitude. There's no doubt he knows we love him, and he loves us.

I just wish I'd had that with Matthew. Even if I didn't get to keep him...just to have that assurance that he knew how much he was loved.

Is loved.

He is so, so loved.

The Heat Is ON!

In more ways than just the sweltering temperatures, the heat is on for sure!!!

Our movers come in two weeks. That's right...in two weeks, I am supposed to have my house belongings into three piles-- stuff that goes to NC for the next few years, stuff that stays here in storage for the next few years, and stuff that goes with us for the next few weeks-3 or more months as we move into housing.

Good times.

For once in my life, I'm adopting John's motto and figure whatever doesn't get done, will eventually. Whatever doesn't? Meh.

Can't be bothered. Luke just grows and changes and takes up every second of every day with something new and fun, and we are trying to visit with as many as we can before we have to leave, so whatever happens, happens.

(Ignore the panic attack that is actually happening and pretend I really mean the above as coolly and calmly as it is written.)

So, I haven't updated Luke in two weeks. It's crazy how he's growing! He's in 3-6 months clothing, but busting at the seams, so we are moving into 6-9 months. He is 14 lbs., 14 oz. and that's the 26th%tile for weight. He is 25.5 inches and that's the 49th%tile for length. His head circumference was 16.5 and that was in the 21st%tile. He's long and lean, though I have to say, we've been calling him "Pudgsicle" and "Pudge Pop" because he's quite the chunkster, even though he is still a little under average for weight.

For us, he's perfect! He's growing, he's healthy, he's happy...he loves us and we love him. What more could we ask of him?

His grasp is rocking these days. He is picking up so many things! Won't be long before it's FOOD he's picking up!

He rolled over for the first time on Saturday the 28th! He hates tummy time so much that he decided he was done with it and rolled to the left. He can do that like nuts now, though it's sort of a game because every time I put him on his tummy, he rolls!

Now to work on back to tummy! He is often on his side, especially when sleeping, and every now and then practically makes it to his tummy, save his one little arm that he 'chicken wings' underneath him! That's ok...he's growing so quickly, there's NO rush on anything!

He still prefers to stand. All the time. I can't believe how balanced he is, for just five months. Unfortunately, that precludes him from sitting very much, so I am often forcing the sitting. He pushes, pushes, pushes those little legs to stand and I crack up. He also pushes his little legs and scrunches that little tushie when doing tummy time, so I bet he'll be up and scooting soon!

Hence, Scooter is another nickname!

Naps stink. Seriously. This kid will cat-nap a couple of times a morning (15-30 minutes if lucky) and then maybe a couple in the afternoon (more like 3 that are about 15-20 minutes or so, and those are rare!). He's not fussy and he seems to be ok on the sleep he's getting, so...guess I can't complain, but I just feel like he's more tired than he allows himself to sleep.

For the last two nights, he's *ruh-eeeaaaalllly* had a hard time going down and staying down. I think we are in the big-time throes of teething, though I don't feel anything. EVERYTHING goes to his mouth, he is a drooling fool and he gnaws on his paci instead of sucking it as much. Feeling like teeth are coming soon.

Wow. Where has my itty bitty Baby Kitty gone?

He's a few days away from 5 months and is so darned full and rosy and sweet I can't even stand it sometimes without feeling like I just have to gobble him up! Every time I do "Super Baby" with him (which he LOVES, LOVES, LOVES!) I just can't believe how big he is!!!

Each day seems to be so full of so much emotion still...so much fun and excitement with Luke as well as anticipation for being back at the beach and with so many of my sweet NC friends...but every night before I go to sleep, I get so choked up I can barely breathe as I think of this house being empty.

Yes, we'll be back.

I just know how hard it will be to see so much packed up and gone. This house...our church...our friends...the cemetery...they are all so tied together with Matthew. His life, his birth, his death, his memory.

I cry just typing it. Won't those packers think I'm a nutcase when they see me bawling my eyes out?

They probably won't be too far off...

Here are some pics from this week. I HATE uploading pictures to Blogger--it takes forever or I get error messages after I waited for forever, so...there may be lots more on Facebook than here....sorry!! I promise, he does amazingly cute things EVERY day!!!

The movers are coming WHEN?????????

Finally getting some hair on top!!!!

And then mommy goes and covers it....sigh....

Dimples are coming!! Dimples are coming!!!

Mommy says daddy digs me too!!!!

Well, that's the THIRD Bad Request, Error 400 I've gotten, so that's all for this week!!!

It Must Be Said...

It must be said.

Before I say it, I apologize in advance (Gina, borrowed that from you!) because I know I am bound to offend someone.

Someone who really meant well.

Someone who honestly is happy for us.

Someone who had no intention but just to express their gratitude for the joy in our lives.

Someone we may know and love and are grateful to have in our lives.

And I’m sorry if you or anyone you know is that someone.

If I don’t say it, though, I’ll burst. I’ve had it on my heart since Wednesday. Probably longer, but our television stints (seriously, Luke is just as precious and adorable on TV as he is in real life, isn’t he?!) have brought up the exact circumstances about which I must speak. Or write, rather. And I've always tried to be honest...especially now for Luke. I always want him to know his mother's heart.

We do not have a 'happy ending'.

Tons of people (and truly, we are honored, humbled and amazed!) saw our TV coverage and shared the links on their blogs/Facebook pages. Each time, because I was ‘tagged’ or ‘mentioned’, I was able to see the posts and the comments of friends of friends of friends.

And we saw SO MANY things like, “Sad story, but glad it ended well,” or “Heartbreaking, but at least they finally have their baby.”

Ahem. We had two babies.

We only get to raise one. Well, we pray each night that we continue to get to raise one. We know there are no guarantees.

As grateful as we are for Luke…for as much joy and happiness and sheer bliss he brings into our lives…our Matthew is still dead. I still mother a grave. My first-born is not with me and I miss him so much every.single.day.

I don’t think that’s a happy ending. I think there really *isn’t* an *ending* to our ‘story’ (save when I take my last breath, maybe).

So, do we have a lot of happy in our lives? Absolutely!!

A happy ending? Not so sure. To me, that implies that we had a struggle; Matthew was born and died and that was a ‘bump’ in the road, but now we have Luke, so we finally had success!

I know that’s not what people mean, and I feel bad even saying anything about it because I do KNOW that the intentions are not to hurt our feelings.

The thing is that it sort of does. It takes me right to the heart of where my emotions have been lately--in that it sometimes seems that Matthew is forgotten because Luke is here. All the hopes and dreams for Matthew just got transferred right on over to the son who is living and can fulfill them. When people ask me (and of course, again, I KNOW it is well-intentioned and NOT ever meant to hurt us!), "Wasn't it all worth it?" (With all, I assume, being the infertility, the treatments, the attempts to adopt, trying another cycle after Matthew, etc.)...I can't answer, "Yep, sure was, because Luke is AMAZING!"

Yes, Luke IS amazing. I love him more than I can even put to words. I did not have ANY idea that I would be so utterly in love with him. I can't imagine my life without him.

But is he 'worth' Matthew dying?

How could any mother be expected to answer that? One child dying to pave the path for another? No, I don't think it's worth it. And I think I'd be a horrible mother if I was ok with Matthew not being here if that's how Luke had to come to be.

Though Matthew died, he WAS SUCCESS! He was our first miracle! He was precious! He was perfect! He was sweet, sweet, sweet and I loved every thing about him.

He made me a mother.

His death doesn’t allow us to have that ‘happy ending’ to a loooooooooong road of infertility, but neither does Luke’s birth—because I’ll never observe a Mother’s Day with Luke without remembering that I, as Linda so eloquently said in her interview, carry one child in my arms and one in my heart.

Our story hasn’t ended…it’s sad and joyous and heartbreaking and redemptive, but it isn’t over.

We live it and are grateful for it every day.

Here are the links to the segments.


http://www.abc2news.com/dpp/news/after-10-years%2C-couple-gets-pregnant-through-ivf%2C-ends-tragically%2C-they-try-again

Road Tripping!

Luke's 19th week has been busy, busy, busy! We are (in theory) getting ready for the move. I say in theory because I plan a million things each night as I go to sleep and the next day, they all seem to just end up on the list for the following day's agenda.

I guess I'll be ready, whether or not I'm ready, right? John's favorite motto is "If you wait until the last minute, it only takes a minute to do," and that seems to be how I am approaching this move.

That said, I also just seem to not have enough time. And time with Luke wins every tug.

He had his 4 month checkup Friday. Dr. Sheth walked in as I was letting Luke 'stand' on the table. That's one of his favorite things--us holding his hands and him standing. He is so strong. The doctor laughed and said, "Oh, no, no, no...you do not want to teach him that!" At first, I thought he was serious--that there was some medical reasoning. He then went on to say that the brain imprints every single thing--every head wobble, foot placement, etc., that Luke is making, his brain is coding for acclimation into 'normal' day-to-day. Even though it sounds silly that a 4 month old is 'learning' to stand/walk, that's essentially what it is. I asked what the problem with that was and he said, "Oh nothing...but boy are you in trouble when he walks!" He continued by telling me that he could see just from how strong Luke was standing and how his head/neck control was that he wouldn't be surprised if Luke was walking at 8 or 9 months! YIKES. I was walking at 8 1/2 months...my mom said I didn't crawl very much, maybe a few weeks, then crawled under a table and walked out.

I just can't believe that. Seriously. Walking in a few months? No way.

We're not even rolling! Sure are trying, though. For a few days, he was entirely on his stomach, save his arm--if he'd just pull that out from under him, he'd be there. I have a feeling it is only a matter of a few more days before he's going back and forth pretty easily. He is all over his playmat and crib, but we've been traveling and he hasn't had as much practice lately. The doctor and I also talked about tummy time. He did a few things and then told me not to worry about it so much...Luke was obviously strong, would use his arms for what he wanted to use, and that I could just try and give him a couple minutes here and there if it made me feel better, but that he wasn't worried about it at all. I'm going to really, really miss his doctor! (Not the wait time, though!!! THREE hours...for an appointment I made two months ago.)

He was 13 lbs., 12 oz., though the scale kept wobbling between that and 14 lbs. I think he leaned heavier, based on our weigh-ins at home, but it doesn't matter. He is healthy and happy, so I'm fine. With a length of 24.75 inches and head circumference of 16 inches (longer, leaner and smaller head--very much like his daddy!), the doctor said he was just perfect. He did fine with his shot (Pentacil) because he was asleep. He woke up because of it, but then got an oral vaccine that must have tasted sweet because he didn't even cry over the shot--went straight to sucking that syrup as fast as he could! This boy loves the sweet stuff, for sure!

We went on a road trip this weekend! With our good friends Craig and Shelby, and some of their family, we celebrated their twin boys' 2nd birthday at Sesame Place! Of course Luke won't remember it, but we had a good time and he'll have lots of 'memories' in pictures! He had lots of firsts--first time in a swimming pool (loved it!), first shower with daddy (loved it!), first beer.

First beer? Yes. We all went to dinner and the wait time was crazy. Luke was in his carrier and we were all sort of trying to stand out of the way (not a lot of room in the front of the restaurant for waiting). We were all halfway in the entrance/bar area and all of a sudden, one of the boys (who was being held in his daddy's arms) accidentally knocked a glass of beer off of the bar--right onto Luke! The glass broke, beer and glass splattered, and poor little Luke was a little surprised, to say the least. Thankfully, he was fine--his toe got cut a teeny bit and he smelled like he'd been out carousing the brothels, but it could have been a lot, lot worse. Lesson learned? Might be best just to hold him if we are ever in a situation like that again.

Speaking of holding...he has decided that my arms are the best place for naps, for real. He'll 'nap' in his crib for maybe 30-40 minutes at a time, if I am lucky. In my arms? 2 hours or more. Morning naps are really iffy these days, and so to compensate, I pretty much plop myself

on the sofa with the phone, a drink and the remote control and we 'rest' for a good bit in the afternoon. I want to be sure he gets enough sleep in the daytime.

Nothing gets done and I don't care. If he'd let me, I'd sit on the sofa holding him for several hours every day until he was 34.

One of the BEST parts of our trip was meeting our friend Katy and her sweet Bobby and Ellie. Katy and I have decided that at just two weeks apart, Ellie and Luke are destined for each other! I loved, loved, loved actually 'meeting' Katy and wish we'd had more time! There will be lots of sweet pictures of the babies together, as well as our Sesame Place adventure, but will have to wait until tomorrow. Luke woke up at 5 for a feeding, and I figured if I didn't get this written after he was done and back asleep, there's no telling when I would...but as it is now 6:15, John is getting ready for work and I am going to try to get another hour or so before the Lukester is back up. My insomnia is awful these days--as tired as I am, my mind just WILL NOT TURN OFF and so I'm glad Luke will go right back to sleep, but I sure don't. Probably because I'm thinking of the one million and eight things I need to do.

Too bad my brain won't subscribe to the 'Wait until the last minute' theory!

Here are a few pictures of Luke from this week...

Throwing the ball for the dogs...he likes hanging with Daddy!

Daddy and his Mini-Me

Assuming nap position....

Dixie is glad to watch Luke...and keep his feet clean!

Four Months...Sigh...

In church on Sunday, our pastor told a story in which he said he used the song "Don't Blink" by Kenney Chesney to illustrate just how fast time flies.

'Aint that the truth?

Luke turned 4 months last Wednesday! I still, in my head, count weeks (18!) but realize that he's getting to be such a big boy and when people ask how old he is, I guess I have to tell them, "Four months."

Sigh.

Of course I love him growing up and getting bigger, but MAN...it's too fast!

He is grabbing things so much these days--and they IMMEDIATELY go into his mouth. He puts everything...everything he can get his little hands on...in his mouth! He has always been pretty strong and pretty quickly was able to put his body weight on his legs, but now he really likes to just hold onto your fingers and stand/squat. It's a fun game with him and daddy!

Still uses his thumb, but not really to suck--more to gnaw. I check every day to see if anything is budding because with his gnawing and bubbles and drooling, I'd SWEAR he was teething, but so far, not yet. He certainly is Drooly-Drools-A lot, though!

We've started to put him in his high chair with us now at dinner. Just to start getting him used to it and allowing him to show interest in food, should that be the case. At first, he was a little unsure--but he seems to like it a good bit now, and enjoys all the toys on his tray.

When he can stay awake, that is...

He still isn't sleeping any certain times consistently. 99% of the time, he is out for the count by 9:00 pm and I can mostly count on at least a 4 hour stretch from feed to feed. In the last week, he actually had two nights where he went 8-9 hours. Then there were three nights where he was up about 4-5 times in one night! So...no consistency, but that's ok. Now that I am able to get a few stretches of 3-4 hours of sleep, sort of, I don't feel as sleep deprived. When he wakes up and won't settle back, even if I don't think he is hungry, I know I will never regret trying to see if he'll eat.

Too soon, those 3 am feedings...quiet time with a sweet baby boy...they'll be gone.

I'm glad I am sleeping a bit more because I can enjoy every second of that time...and I do.

He weighs about an ounce or two shy of 14 lbs. A lactation consultant told me that they look for babies to double birth weight by five months. Lukester doubled his at about 3 1/2! That said, he's still in the low end of the charts--about 26th%tile for weight. He's 25 inches, though, so he's in the 45th%tile for height, so he is sort of fulfilling that 'long and lean' prophecy.

He still hates tummy time, but it's good that he gets mad because that totally makes him rock back and forth. I really feel like it's only a matter of time and he's going to be rolling over. He's already learning how to roll to his side so he can watch tv when he's on his playmat! That little stinker will seek the tv out any way he can!!!!

Fine, mom...here's your stinking tummy time!

Whew...what a workout!

Naps pretty much stink these days. He just wakes himself up and can't settle himself back, so they often end up with him in my arms or the sling. He's all about the sling these days, which is good in that I can vacuum and do other things, but a toll on my back. Still looking for the perfect carrier--the Mei Tie and facsimiles thereof don't seem to thrill Luke. Carriers like the Snugli or Ergo work better for John; he doesn't seem to like them on me either. The ring sling is not too bad, but it stinks being short! For now, the slingling works and he likes being a Baby Joey!

I just adore him. Simply and truly, I adore him.

Here are some more pics from this week:

He likes being in this carrier with John...me, not so much!

Kick, kick, kick! I rock at this!

Don't let the spit-up fool you! Pastor Mark gave a GREAT message on Baby Dedication day!

On Motherhood and Mother's Day...

Today is Mother's Day.

A very different one than last year, or any other year I've ever been alive.

This year, I cradled a precious, sleeping baby boy in my arms during church, and gave thanks to God for the gift of Motherhood.

It's a bittersweet gift, though. Today was also Luke's dedication at church. While we stood in front of so many people who have loved and supported us for several years, and Luke maintained his adorableness by trying to shove his tie in his mouth, I couldn't help but think about how we should have had Matthew's dedication.

That had we, we may never have had Luke's.

How complicated so many feelings are. How my heart could be so full of gratitude and longing at the same time.

Admittedly, a tear or two fell.

I think back to last year...a few days from finding out we were actually pregnant again, and feeling so, so broken. A mother without her child...in a world where if you have no child to show for the labor, your title of mother is a muddy one at best.

Obviously, little Luke WAS with me for Mother's Day last year, so technically, it's not even 'our' first Mother's Day together...but of course I didn't know that then, and I didn't know whether or not I'd ever hold a child of mine in my arms. The desperation of that life, as well as the utter aching for my son clouded every second of the day.

And while it doesn't cloud today, as I recently read somewhere, the sadness and heartache is still here...it's just more enveloped in happiness, rather than happiness being dominated by sadness. For that, I'm grateful--that we have more days where the happy is greater than the sad, vice days where the sad just steals all the happy.

I'm thankful for Luke's role in our lives making that so.

We visited Matthew's grave after church. It breaks my heart that a little boy who brought SO MUCH happiness and joy into my life always seems to end up getting my tears now...tears because I miss him. Tears because I don't always feel like I do him justice. Tears because I am overwhelmed with emotion as I stand at his grave while holding Luke. Tears because I just can't stop them.

For 10 years, I cried at every Mother's Day service. Not much, but always a little as I silently begged God to make me a mother. When my mother died, I cried as I added into my begging some peace as I missed her so. Now, as I dedicate a sweet boy to the Lord, I cry because I miss his brother.

I am comforted by a few things though...mainly that before Matthew or Luke were ever born, I already promised them to God. Foolishly, before Matthew was born, I promised I'd give him to God, no matter what the calling. As if I had any control...

As I was pregnant with Luke, I did the same, though this time completely understanding in a way I never could before that my boys were God's before they were ever mine. I instead thanked God for another blessing and promised to raise Luke to know God to the best of my ability. This morning, we officially made that promise, and though I didn't get to 'officially' make that promise or follow through with that for Matthew, I know that my promise of Matthew's life to God was recognized. The certificate of dedication given to Luke had the verse that is inscribed on Matthew's stone..."For this child, I prayed," I Samuel 1:27. I know it is a common verse, and common for dedications, but it brought me a peace to see it both on Matthew's stone and Luke's certificate. Somewhere in my heart, I hope that God was letting me know He was cognizant of and honored by the promise I'd made with Matthew as I also made the promise with Luke.

I DID pray for both of those boys..."So now, I return them to the Lord. For their whole lives, the will be given to the Lord." I Samuel 1:28

Luke and Daddy had matching ties for the service!