Lori Does Maryland

A Quick Update...

2012-02-01T21:28:00.001-05:00

So.

Today, the 6-celled embryo from yesterday arrested. What a harsh, clinical word. It stopped growing. Frankly, I expected it. This happens in In Vitro. Heck, it happens so often in natural fertilizations of embryos—they fertilize, but don't make it down the tubes, or implant, or stop growing, or whatever.

Expecting something doesn't mean you like it.

The other EIGHT, though? Amazing. They are all either morulas, early blasts or cavitating blasts. Really, I've never gotten this far with either Matthew's or Luke's cycle, so all of that is a lot of gobbledy-gook for just exactly what the clinic is looking for and a situation they couldn't have planned more perfectly. Even though that's what they were planning. It NEVER happens like this for me. Jackie said the whole office is just laughing (good-naturedly) at all of this...the surprise of SUCH success. The CRAZY different cycle. Just all of it.

Between my endometriosis being pretty much zapped thanks to Matthew and Luke, and two cycles under our belt to know that there needed to be some pretty significant medicine adjustment for better egg maturity, apparently, they weren't lying when they said I had the fertility of a gal in her 20s.

I have had so many wonderful people email and call and text encouragement and advice and prayers and good thoughts and I am grateful.

We've decided that we will transfer two tomorrow morning at 10:15. The embryology lab will obviously pick the best, and the others, provided they have not arrested, will be frozen. Our instructions were to freeze if they were able to, regardless of quality. If they don't arrest, they will be given the chance I believe they were meant to.

When, how...crossing those bridges another day. Heck, there is NO guarantee this transfer will produce pregnancy, and we may very likely end up using those little snowbabies very soon.

Today, we have 8 amazing blastocysts and a really great chance at having another sibling for Matthew and Luke.

Grateful. In my wildest dreams...never expected this.

But grateful.

Luke is staying with his Aunt Pretty tonight since we have to leave so early tomorrow. I haven't even cried. I teared up some earlier, before I even took him over there....but none since. John said he was proud of me taking that big step...doing ok without my boy sleeping in the next room over.

I'm proud of me too. But then again...I've had to sleep with my boy not in the next room over...or the same house...or even on this earth. Luke is living it up at Aunt Pretty's. I can deal with that.

Uncharted Territory...

2012-01-31T11:55:00.002-05:00

I preface this post with the following disclaimer to anyone undergoing fertility treatments, or anyone who has, or anyone who will...because I've been there, I've done that, I know that, I've lived that. All in the past 11 years.

And I never dreamed, especially in light of the fact that we nearly cancelled this cycle a week ago, that I'd be here—wondering what in the world to do with ALL these AMAZING embryos.

So, if you read, and I sound ungrateful, I am not. Anyone who knows me, or knows of us even in the last few years knows that I, of all people, do NOT take life for granted. At all. I realize that some people would give all they had to be faced with the issues we are. I know.

Dr. K called this morning and said all 9 were doing amazing. Four were 8-celled (what we typically transfer on Day 3), one was 10-celled, two were compacting, one was early compacting and one was 6-celled, but with uneven division.

What in the world????? This is so, so different from my previous cycles.

Dr. K said that he felt I had the best natural therapy in the world for my endometriosis, having both Matthew and Luke, and with two cycles under our belt, it was easier to adjust medicine for better egg maturity and quality. Though he said no one could know for sure why this was so, so different...those were some of his theories.

We talked about how many to transfer. John wants to do two. He feels there's a better chance of a fresh cycle with two vs. a frozen cycle with one (or two) should this not work. Dr. K said there was certainly science to back that. John also adores being a dad, and secretly, he thinks twins would be AWESOME. He has been able to bounce back from Matthew's death looking at life as if we've had our horrible, horrible tragedy and now, odds are, roses from here on out. Twins would just be even more of a bounce-back.

Not so much me.

I am worried. I am little. I was 92 pounds at retrieval. I am a quarter-inch shy of 4'11". I am small and scrappy, but I have my limits. I've had two major surgeries to my uterus in two years and to contemplate carrying another has put me on edge, but two? Not to mention, John is going to be gone. A LOT. MONTHS. I'm far from home. I have a very busy little boy that I adore doing fun things with and I've already worried about what another pregnancy would steal from him, much less what a multiple pregnancy would do.

Oh, and did I mention, John will be gone A LOT?

So I'm leaning toward one, but felt that Dr. K would not lead me into anything he was not confident was the best thing for me and our family. He has NEVER steered us wrong. He has ALWAYS been conservative. He told us in the very beginning that his goal was for us to build our family...however that happened. He is NOT in it for the money.

And he said after thinking long and hard, taking our situation into account, looking at our previous history and using the SART guidelines as recommendation, he'd transfer two.

Shady Grove's pregnancy rate with one blast transfer is 61.2%. Awesome! With a 1.7% chance of multiples! Their pregnancy rate with two blasts transferred is 61.1%. (Notice how VERY near identical that is) but with a 42.7% chance of multiples.

That said, my assumption is that many of those women who did two are like me—advanced age. Ugh. Advanced age is really getting my goat.

If I wasn't advanced age, this would not even be an issue, really.

I'd not worry about what I'd do with other embryos that made it to freezing.

I'd not worry about how my body is going to handle all of this at nearly 40.

I'd not wonder if I'll see my kid(s) graduate from high school. Or grandchildren.

Anyway.

You know, people have often used my faith as a talking point for why I should NOT be doing IVF. This very situation is probably just what they are talking about.

My logic has ALWAYS been that regardless of circumstance, God is the keeper of all life. He gives it. He takes it home with Him. If a baby is not meant to be, it simply will NOT be, even if sperm is injected into egg by human hand. I am not trying to play God by doing IVF. I am simply using the technology He gave to help bring the lives HE ordained into our family.

So, the opposite must then be true. If a baby (or two) is meant to be, he or she or they is/are meant to be. Nothing I do or don't do will stop that, because again, God is in charge of it all.

And I guess I just have to stop being afraid.

Like I said, though...this is uncharted territory. The waves are pretty big.

I'm not a very strong swimmer.

Incubator 6, Position 30

2012-01-30T15:59:00.000-05:00

That's where 9 embryos of ours are happily (I assume?) growing and dividing.

When I got the call this morning, I'd outrageously expected to have maybe 6 doing what they are supposed to be doing at this point...to have doubled from yesterday and become 4-celled embryos.

So when the nurse (not Jackie, she's out today) said, "You had nine embryos with normal fertilization and they all look great. They are all 4 cells," I about fell out of my skin.

She went on to say, "You'll be a 5 day transfer. Thursday." and I got a little nervous.

I do 3-day transfers.

I do them well.

I told her 5 days makes me nervous and she said, "But that's the best chance for success."

Or total failure, because what if NONE of them get to 5 days?

Then again...what if ALL of them get to 5 days??????????????????

What in the WORLD are we doing? I was walking Luke today with Lola and it was so gorgeous. Warm and sunny, he was giggly and happy.

I have a pretty easy life. A great life. One might say a perfect life if they didn't know better.

This has all been unfolding so miraculously, for lack of a better word, I have to say that now I'm feeling like the water is very muddy.

IF we make it to 5 day and IF we have two blastocysts to transfer, that is where we will face a HUGE decision.

Transfer one or two.

We transferred two beautiful 8-celled embryos with both Matthew and Luke.

Transferring two embryos is not a guarantee that two will implant.

Heck, transferring one is no guarantee. Or 8. (NOT happening, though!)

There's a much higher chance of success, though, when there is a 5 day transfer, and to transfer two?

I have to say, I'm a bit sick to my stomach thinking about all of this.

So, if you pray, please pray for the right decisions, should we need to make them. Pray for our little embryos in incubator number 6.

And remember, as much as I'd love two more children....a twin pregnancy is risky. And carries a lot of opportunity for heartache. Joy, of course...but more risk of heartache and I don't know that I'd really feel good in my skin knowing that we purposely brought more of that onto ourselves and into our family.

Anyway...hormonal rambling. Thanks for your prayers and the many, many likes and messages on facebook and emails and blog comments. So, so appreciated!

Better With Age?

2012-01-29T11:46:00.002-05:00

...or so Dr. G says.

I just got the call from the nurse about my fertilization. (Of course, I was in the shower and John was walking the boy around the block, so missed it and only got a voicemail. They weren't supposed to call until after 3!!!)

She said 17 follicles were retrieved. (Knew that.) Seventeen were MATURE! (Did NOT expect that!) NINE fertilized! (Shocked by that!)

Wow.

With Matthew, I had 13 retrieved, 12 mature and 6 fertilize.

With Luke, I had 16 retrieve, 8 or 9 mature and 4 fertilize.

In the nurse's message, she said Dr. G wanted to relay a personal message.

"You get better with age."

Well, maybe, but my body sure doesn't, ha ha!

The retrieval yesterday was ok, but I was definitely more sore than I ever remember with Matthew or Luke.

The good news (well, more of it) is that I didn't cry after I came to.

With Matthew, I was crying and crying because they'd only retrieved 13. (And right before my retrieval, a woman had 24 retrieved, so I figured I was waaaayyyy behind the curve!)

With Luke, I was crying and crying because it was really pretty emotional. (Like I need a reason to cry anyway!)

Yesterday, I apparently was telling everyone how much I loved them...how much I loved Shady Grove...bragging about how I wasn't crying, ha ha.

Again, a few nurses came in and told us that they were so touched by our story when they were watching it at their annual retreat, and I started to tear up some then. I think that's understandable!

So now we wait. Tomorrow Jackie will call me and give me more of a breakdown and probable transfer information for Tuesday.

Wonders never cease.

Twenty-Six Months...

2012-01-27T22:32:00.001-05:00

...that's how old he'd be tomorrow. Really, I can't even imagine what he'd be like.

Sadly, he's forever etched in my mind as he was that day.

And images of what he might be are pretty much taken over by what Luke is and will be like. What he's like now. How I can base predictions on how he'll grow and change on the previous year's worth of life we've been blessed to experience with him.

You know what comes next.

Sigh.

The 28th day of the month always triggers one of those little, "There's something about today," things in my head, and tomorrow is no different, other than tomorrow is also the day we go in for our third retrieval in a little less than as many years.

I haven't really been nervous about it up until the last week and the whole estrogen/OHSS issues popping up. I feel ok, though I look about 3 months pregnant already and really have no appetite at all. I triggered last night, so all that HCG is adding to the mix.

But I am a little uneasy about what's going to be retrieved. And whether or not they'll be mature. And even if they are, they fertilize normally. And then if they'll grow ok. I don't have fabulous fertilization rates.

So, we'll see.

We'll see.

It's Never Easy, Is It?

2012-01-26T16:51:00.000-05:00

Nope.

Then again, I have to say that I KNEW this cycle (and the whole process from testing to now, really) was just going too well. Too perfectly. Too easy.

Now...it feels more comfortable to me. More dramatic. More uneasy. More scary.

More "Are you kidding me?"

Dr. K called me earlier today. (Yeah, never good to see the doctor's number on your ID.) This morning's appointment went so-so. The sonographer and Dr. G felt like I had some pretty good looking follicles (though he did comment about what an estrogen over-achiever I am, ha ha!) and he told me that if I triggered today (IF as in IF we decided to go ahead with retrieval) it'd be him doing it on Saturday.

That made me feel tons better. He did the transfer for Matthew and the retrieval for Luke, so he's got a pretty great track record with us.

Just needed to wait and see how my estrogen was.

Which was why Dr. K called. My estrogen was high. 4534. Even with yet another lowered dose (hardly anything, really), mega-estrogen. Jackie feels like it's because of ALL the follicles I've got going round and round in there...which is great...except they are NOT all fabulously mature.

That's the problem. Lots of follicles, way too much estrogen and not enough maturity as they'd like.

But, as Dr. K said, it only takes one. I only had 4 mature enough (of 16 retrieved!) to fertilize with Luke and look how that turned out! In fact, because I 'weathered the storm,' as they said, with a high estrogen at trigger with Luke and then subsequent pregnancy and warded off OHSS, they are feeling like I can do that again.

There is DEFINITELY a much more significant risk of OHSS right now, and that's mainly why he was letting us know he understood if we wanted to cancel this cycle, or to retrieve and maybe freeze if need be instead of transfer. OHSS is even more egged (ugh, what a pun) on by pregnancy (the irony, right?) so while pregnancy is the desired effect, it could also make things even worse and with a little one to run around after and a VERY busy military daddy...well, the fear of OHSS is there.

But since Matthew died, and I realized that I can't control everything, and that if I let fear drive my decisions, I'd never take Luke out of the house...I try not to let fear cloud my judgement.

God did not give us a spirit of fear.

So we are on for retrieval on Saturday. We have to be there at 6:30 that morning (oy!) which will stink since John will be getting in around 1 that morning! We'll go from there.

Nope, never easy.

Then again, who said it would be?

BTW—thanks everyone for the prayers and good thoughts and wishes. I really appreciate it. It totally helps, and I think is one of the reasons I'm not going crazy right now.

Well...and I have an amazing and adorable little boy that definitely keeps me on my toes. Who has time for worry?

(Totally off-topic but funny. In doing a spell check, Blogger doesn't like sonographer. Since every brain cell I've ever been proud of seems to have flown the coop since I got pregnant with Matthew, I always look at suggestions because I'm quite apt to be wrong. Sonographer is not listed but the suggestion? Pornographer. Yep. Totally the same, right? Thanks for the help, Blogger!)

Was This The Shoe?

2012-01-25T23:15:00.000-05:00

So, you know me...always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Well, it may just drop tomorrow.

Again, Jackie told me not to worry yet. "We've come too far to cancel this cycle."

Yeah, well....This morning, when talking to the doctor (who is not my regular doctor, but has been seeing me since I've been monitoring at Fair Oaks) after she mentioned I was quite the estrogen over-achiever, I said, "Yeah...when I triggered with Luke's cycle, my estrogen spiked from like 1800something to 4000."

She responded with, "Yeah, but we didn't do that cycle, did we?"

Um. Yes. You did. Remember? We were just talking about how our news clip was played at your annual retreat and it had LUKE in it?

Anyway. That was enough to tell me that she was not fond of that 4000 estrogen level.

It was 3385 today. Even after my medicine being decreased AGAIN last night.

The doctor this morning also thought I'd very probably trigger tonight but I didn't. My follicles are just not mature enough. When I triggered with Luke, my leads/measurables were 21, 19, 19, 18, 17 mm ish. I had 16 follicles retrieved. FOUR fertilized.

Today, my leads/measurables were 18, 19, 19, 17, 16, 15 mm ish. With THAT high an estrogen level.

Today it was confirmed that I am DEFINITELY stimming like a PCOSer.

Which really doesn't make any difference...that's why we are doing IVF, right? To get that perfect, perfect little embryo to hang out and grow for about 9 months or so in my tummy. Regardless of the diagnosis or symptomology or whatever.

I'm on a high-protein, low carb diet. Milk and potato chips (for the salt!). Gatorade. Taking it easy. Protecting my abdomen. Making sure I take my asthma medicines and use my inhaler so my breathing doesn't get affected.

PRAYING that tomorrow my estrogen isn't so high that they cancel this cycle.

And that my follicles are mature enough. (Medicine was decreased again tonight. Hope it's not decreased so much that it doesn't mature the follicles enough.)

Like I said...was this the other shoe? It was all going so great and now at the last minute could crash?

Because I know what that is like, and frankly...
I'd rather not have more.

OHSS Oh NO!

2012-01-24T23:58:00.004-05:00

So.
No one is really saying anything certain yet.

But another night of medicine decreasing because though I have lots of good follicles that are nicely sized, even with the decreasing medicine dosages the last couple of nights, my estrogen just keeps hopping!

Up to 2533 right now.

Yeah, Jackie (who seriously has never steered me wrong, so I trust her) said not to worry about OHSS right now. (OHSS being Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome)

I'm not, much, but won't lie. Today I started feeling that feeling. The "ugh, I sure do feel like I have a lot of estrogen and follicles in my body" and I was pretty nauseated most of the day. Sore stomach. Dull headache that just won't go away. Not terrible, mind you, but vaguely reminiscent of Luke's cycle toward the end...where the last day my estrogen spiked to over 4700 and I was freaking out that they'd cancel.

Vaguely reminiscent of when I was in the hospital years ago with OHSS.

Just vaguely, though, and even though my estrogen was high with Luke's cycle, they obviously didn't cancel and I obviously got pregnant and THANKFULLY, warded the OHSS off. Somehow.

I know this sounds really petty, but it's not fun. Worse, so much is different with this cycle with respect to how I handle it and what I do with it because of Luke! OHSS by myself is one thing. With a toddling one-year old? Very different. Not to mention I'd hate to hear all this is going great (which they all say) and then ends up being cancelled at the last minute because of that darned estrogen.

And...even though Dr. K told me with this latest blood work to qualify me for the shared risk program that he'd be very hesitant to label me as PCOS anymore just because of my LH:FSH ratio, I have to say that I am really, really, REALLY responding like a PCOSer in this cycle.

Which stinks. Because that basically means lots of follicles that aren't great quality eggs.

And sounds familiar.

Anyway. We'll see. Tomorrow morning and then maybe trigger tomorrow or if not Thursday with a Friday or Saturday retrieval.

I know, I know.

It only takes one.

Preaching to the choir.

Back The Bus Up!

2012-01-23T21:54:00.001-05:00

This morning I had 16 measurable follicles.

Holy moly. As my nurse said this afternoon, "We're all chuckling a bit about you because you keep popping up with follicles! You had 18 antral follicles to start with and now you have 16 measurables and several more that aren't measurable yet....that's pretty unusual."

I told her, "Well, you know me. I like to have people talking."

So, my leads are 16 and 14, with several 12mm and several more that are 8-10. My estrogen was 1382, so still high, though not as big a jump since I decreased last night's dosage. We will probably lose the 16mm, and maybe the 14, but Jackie wasn't worried because I had so many 12ish. She also said, "Didn't I tell you about that explosion?" and I couldn't help but think, "Yep...this is what I need. More reassurances about why NOT worrying pays off!" She has a feeling that I'll go in tomorrow and see several more that are 16mmish, and I guess we'll see. The doctor this morning seemed to feel that I'd probably end up triggering maybe Thursday or Friday for a Saturday or Sunday retrieval, and honestly, either day will be fine because John should be able to come up either day (hooray!) before he goes out for a couple of weeks. They are decreasing my medicine again (so strange, I'm always getting increased!) and I'm psyched because that's medicine I can return and for which I can get money back, ha ha!!

Spoke with Linda, my once-a-month counselor-by-phone and just love her. Really. Since Matthew died, I've spoken to her once a month, and since it's been over 2 years, she really knows me. Knows a lot about my life. Knows me on a good day and knows me on a bad day. I told her that I've been having a lot of flashbacks to Matthew's birth...the point where Dr. Shonekan says, "Mr. Matthew has forced my hand," and things start going nuts. Me being wheeled into the OR and just staring up at the ceiling, twisting my fingers, crying and praying for the hands that were about to touch my body and my baby's body.

Like it just happened.

She said that she figured a lot of that was hormone related—that my hormones (especially this high estrogen!) were making me pretty vulnerable and putting myself into this situation again is probably causing some post-traumatic stress flashbacks. I agree. I think this also happened when I started Luke's cycle, but it was so much newer then, and I guess I didn't expect that I'd have such intense flashbacks so often still.

Sigh.

She also said something that I really loved. We were talking about how I'm not as stressed this cycle (though I am pretty worried that I'm being too confident in all of this and the shoe is going to drop and I'll be miserable. She said that was only natural, since I've LIVED with the shoe dropping and life has taught me that when everything is going great...watch out! She's SO smart!) and she told me that she was really proud of how healthy I sounded. How great my attitude was. How able I was to glean so much from Matthew's life and death that shapes me as a mother and wife and daughter and sister and friend and person.

I told her that I wasn't really thrilled that some of this new me came at such a high price.

She said that was completely understandable...and that too often, people will look at my life now and say, "See...you didn't understand it, but aren't you glad...." or "Told you, everything happens for a reason..." or "When you look at Luke, isn't it easier to understand this is how it was meant to be?"...and they'd be WAY off base.

(She's right.) Just because I am able to recognize the blessings that have happened as a result of Matthew's life, I STILL would not choose for him to be dead just for the life I have now.

The reality is that there are two truths to my life that don't seem like they could possibly co-exist, but they do.

I'd never, never, never, NEVER choose for Matthew to be gone...for any lesson or reason or for any child.

I'd never, never, never, NEVER wish Luke wasn't here if it meant Matthew could be alive.

And that's just the way it is. For the rest of my life. Ambivalence.

So, I navigate the best I can, and frankly, I think I do a pretty decent job. There should be no doubt about how my heart and soul still mourns what could have been with my beautiful little Matthew.

There should be no doubt about the love and fulfillment that Luke has brought into my life, and for which I am so grateful.

As should there be no doubt about the love that any little brother or sister will bring and will be given.

If those are 'lessons' learned as a result of Matthew's life, so be it.

To me, those are just the basics of being a mother.

Day 8 Strikes Again!

2012-01-22T23:38:00.005-05:00

Yeah...so this morning I admit, I was a tad anxious to see what the ultrasound would look like. Wouldn't you know it? Lining was up to 8 (from 4.5 Friday) and had the highly coveted 'triple-stripe' pattern going on. The sono tech was measuring away and I walked out of there feeling much better! When I left, I believed I had 2 or 3 that were 13 mm and maybe another 4-5 that were between 8-12mm, with 10 mm being the point at which they typically consider a follicle 'measurable.'

So when I got the call this afternoon, I was a bit surprised.

I had 11 measurable. From ONE two days ago to ELEVEN now. Several were 12-13 mm. My estrogen was also a great deal higher. A great deal...it spiked from 512 on Friday to 1252 today! The nurse said, "Slow down there, tiger."

She's funny. This IS slower, remember? This is what they thought they'd see at day 6, ha ha!

But true to my form. They decreased my medicine because there truly was that growth explosion my nurse predicted and want it to just slow a hair. I'm going in tomorrow and every day until trigger from this point on now because follicles can grow 2-3 mm overnight! The tentative trigger date before we started stimming was Wednesday, which would mean retrieval Friday. Two days ago, Jackie said I might just be a day or two later.

I don't think that will be the case now.

Very interested to see what tomorrow brings.

I have to again say, though, that I am feeling super optimistic. Maybe it's because this is following the same pattern that happened with Matthew and Luke, so it's somewhat familiar with success.

Maybe because now that we have a few under our belt, I feel less anxious about what is coming and I really and truly trust every.single.thing my doctor and nurse say and they area all sunshine and roses.

Maybe it's just because I know that if I don't get a positive in a few weeks, I'll be sad, but I won't be devastated.

I have Luke.

That desperation for success is not as intense and raw as it was after Matthew died. I know it seems funny to think that I really wasn't desperate before Matthew, but I wasn't.

I was hopeful, but I really did not think IVF was going to work for me the first time, so I kind of took things with a grain of salt. Heck, 10 years of infertility treatments producing nothing will do that to a gal.

After Matthew, though, I knew what pregnancy was like. I knew what a beautiful little boy who was a mix of his daddy and mommy looked like and felt like and I was desperate, desperate, desperate to hold just a tiny piece of that again...and fast.

Not to replace Matthew. Unimaginable. Just to taste again because everything about Matthew was delicious. He was so good to his mama. He was fun to dance with and sing to. He was playful with Daddy. He, like his brother, loved to have books read to him. He made March to November the best time of my entire life and there is such joy in remembering those glorious and happy days.

I was desperate for more of that. Another chance at that.

And Luke has brought it. In such a monumental and enormous way!

Of course I'd like more!

But if it doesn't happen, trust me when I say that he will make that medicine in the form of a phone call go down so, so much easier.

So grateful for that little ham. He is a riot, let me tell you. He has this new game where he sticks his finger in his nose (just holds it there!) and then I pull it away and say, "Get that finger out of your nose!" and he just giggles and giggles and giggles to do it over and over. I have a video, but will have to figure out how to get it on here from my phone.

Have I mentioned how I can't wait for him to grow up and show me how to use stuff???

In Hindsight...

2012-01-21T23:21:00.001-05:00

Those are the words Dr. K used with Luke's cycle on day 8. Boy, was I having a DOWNER day when I wrote this!

In fairness, I didn't know then what I know now.

That it all worked out! It really DOES only take one!

That my sweet, adorable, little ham of a boy is sleeping as soundly as can be...little tooshie in the air and pacis all around him like he'd just had a party.

That though they were a bit concerned, they weren't freaked out and I shouldn't have been either.

I know that now.

So that's why I am not worried about yesterday's appointment.

My estrogen was 512. Great, right?

Well, except there was only one measurable follicle.

Of the 17, there was only one over 10mm. Which is pretty surprising, considering how high my estrogen was.

Thank God for my nurse. Thank God I have two cycles (successful!) already under my belt and am able to say, "Oh..well, this is just my pattern!"

Jackie said, "You are just a day 8 girl!" when I asked her if this was what Dr. K was talking about last year.

Essentially, I should have more maturity in my follicles, but don't.

But that's sort of the way I've been going, with both Matthew's and Luke's cycles and look how they turned out?!

So, I'm not worried yet.

Tomorrow morning I go in and Jackie said she felt like I'd see follicle growth explosion based on that estrogen. She told me not to worry about overstimulation yet and just wait and see how tomorrow goes. She told me not to worry about anything. (Except my iron, which is LOW and I believe it!)

You know what?

I'm not. For real. And I'm not just saying that.

Because you know how the old saying goes, right? Hindsight is 20-20?

Hello perfect vision for this cycle!

I'm feeling ya.

Shady Grove, I Love You!

2012-01-19T00:39:00.001-05:00

Yes, it's true.

I love them.

I have loved them for nearly 3 years now, and every day—whether it's when I watch something amazing Luke does, or look at my pictures of Matthew, or just when someone from there tells me something nice—I just am so thankful we chose them.

We were going to go to Walter Reed. We were all signed up, had plunked down the money for orientation and gone to it...all the testing done and everything. Just when we were about to start, John said, "Let's adopt. That's at least a sure thing."

Ahem.

ANYway...Mom knew friends who'd used Shady Grove (not to mention that if you live within a million miles of Northern Virginia/DC/MD area, you hear their ads on the radio ALL.THE.TIME) and suggested we at least look into them. Frankly, I didn't think we could afford it. (And really, still very thankful for the blessing we have in the opportunities.) And even if we could, I felt like we'd get just the same deal at Walter Reed for FAR less money (about 1/6th the money!) But, when we just pretty much KNEW that Kyrgyzstan was not going to happen for us, I called. I talked to Rhonda. Yep, I remember her (and really love her!) because she talked to me like I was the only patient they had in the office...that she had all the time in the world for me. I figured it must be some small outfit after all, if that could be happening, and when we went and saw how big a practice it was, I realized just how great Rhonda's customer service was!

When we were going through Matthew's cycle, they were amazing. My nurse then was Sarah, and I liked her so much! She was down to earth and smart, and though she recommended I HypnoBirth (ummmmm...I don't relax well AT.ALL!) I thought she was awesome. Dr. Kipersztok treated us like he was a family member and I though I initially thought he might not be high-strung enough for me (ha ha), he obviously was perfect for us.

Hand picked by God.

I remember finding out that Sarah left shortly after we started and Jackie became our new nurse. She too was amazing, and never ever makes me feel neurotic, contrary to the mass quantities of messages I leave her that would lead one to believe otherwise! When Matthew died, it was Rhonda who answered the phone when I called. She cried with us. She put me through to Jackie, who also cried with us, and immediately put us through with Dr. K., who...you guessed it...cried with us.

And gave us hope.

They were amazing with our frozen cycle (sweet little Yellow Fish!) and just PHENOMENAL with Luke's cycle. (We are SO spoiled by amazing caregivers!) When we had Luke, they came to visit us and they looked as if he was one of their very own family members! It was like a family reunion when we met to do the tv interview back in April and May. They kept saying, "Ok...we'll see you soon, right?!" like we'd do another cycle soon. "Umm...yeah, right!" I said.

Again, Ahem.

So now I am staying with Mom and going to the Fair Oaks office. Amazing there too! I was waiting to check out this morning and the nicest gal (her name was also Lori...must be in the name?!) pulled me aside and said, "I just want you to know you are sort of like a celebrity to us! We are so excited for you and so inspired by your story. Just wanted to let you know how happy we were for you!"

I couldn't believe she had any idea of who I was, and when I said, "How do you know who I am?" she answered, "We saw your news story at our corporate annual retreat! There was not a dry eye in the house! You are such an inspiration!"

I gave her thanks, of course...and then I teared up a good bit and bit my lip to try and keep it together! Rhonda had told me that they had played our newsclip at their retreat, but I thought she was just talking about the Annapolis office. Nope, their whole outfit's retreat, apparently! And this woman recognized me, for Pete's sake!!

Unbelievable. They are just too, too kind to us.

I saw Dr. Greenhouse this morning for the initial monitoring since I started the stims. I told him he probably didn't know me, but that he was one of my favorite doctors since he'd done Matthew's transfer and Luke's retrieval. He was very kind and said, "I know you!" (I guess I sort of know why now!) He and the sono tech (who was super nice too, and a graduate of ECU, Lindsay Jones!) said that everything was looking fabulous. I had 18 follicles (EIGHTEEN!!!!) and when Jackie called me today with my estrogen level, it was 182...which was the highest of any cycle I've done so far and anything over 100 is great for this point in the cycle. I'm on track for a retrieval on or about the 27th (EEK!) and that'd be great because John should be able to come up after all (even for the day) and be with me a bit.

It all feels like a brand new sleeping bag that is just gently unrolling exactly like it should be.

Which, I won't lie, makes me a bit nervous.

I know of another situation that was just picture perfect until out of the blue, it wasn't. In a big way.
That one haunts me.

In thinking about that, though, I have to say this. I think the biggest thing that would upset me if this cycle didn't end in pregnancy would be losing the money we have had to pay for the medicine. I know, I know..petty...just money...but still. (For the record, it's a good bit of money since TRICARE covers NONE of it. Thanks, TRICARE!)

As much as I would LOVE (and I mean LOVE!) another baby in our lives...

...Luke is enough.

He is. He is amazing and wonderful and fills my heart in the most precious way.

It feels weird to say that he's enough...like saying that means that I don't really even need Matthew to be happy because I have Luke.

Of course that is SO not what I mean.

I guess it just means I've accepted that Luke may be all I get to raise on this earth.

And that, in and of itself, is such a tremendous gift and honor and privilege and blessing.

It's enough. Until I get to Heaven, it's enough.

Bravery comes in all forms...

2012-01-17T00:00:00.000-05:00

I am brave.

Not because I live every day without Matthew.

I had NO choice in that matter and I certainly would not choose it if I had. When people give me the attribute of "Brave,"for that reason, I am always quick to tell them, "Not really. I just have no choice."

I am brave because we are doing another IVF cycle and I am CHOOSING to do that.

To take on another cycle pretty much by myself since John is back in the fleet. Not really by myself since Mom and Aunt Pretty are always willing to help with whatever, but it is sort of different in that I'd ask John to rub my feet (though he wouldn't. I could still ask) if I just needed a breather in all of this, and would not ask Mom or Amy. (I'm sure they are both grateful for that!)

More, if this works (please, please, please let it work!), John will probably be around for most of the pregnancy and delivery (which is new...we thought he may be deployed), he will be gone shortly after the baby is born...leaving me with a newborn and a little boy under two, two golden retrievers and a house that is not mine and a good bit smaller than all my stuff would like. And he'll be gone for a long time. Like 7-8 months, I'm guessing.

So I won't lie and say that I'm a teeny bit worried about that.

I know people (especially we military families) do it all the time. ALL.THE.TIME.

My guess is that most of the time, though, they don't necessarily choose to have children so close together, knowing that mom will be pretty much responsible for care-taking while daddy is gone, and therefore at least attempting to get timing a little better.

It is what it is. It took nearly 11 years just to get pregnant. And then we lost Matthew. And then we went through it all over again and are so grateful to have Luke.

But according to medicine, I'm old.

Rather, my eggs are. So if we are going to have any more children, we have to try NOW. Timing or not.

I know, I know...we can't control everything and all that jazz about "the perfect time doesn't exist,"...maybe it doesn't, but I won't lie and say I'm not a bit bitter about having to wait so long to finally be a mother and being pushed into doing things I may not do if I had a bit more time.

(Like IVF right now instead of just enjoying Luke all by himself a bit more...continue to nurse him...etc.)

That's not to say, though, that I am not super excited about this cycle. I am. I am really feeling very confident. John put an app on my phone today that's supposed to chronicle the cycle.

I can't wait until Luke grows up some more and can show me how to use apps and such on the phone.

Anyway, giving myself my shot tonight, I was telling mom that it wasn't that big a deal since I used to give myself allergy shots.

Then I thought, "But you know...it sort of is. So many people take fertility for granted. Like it's the most natural thing in the world."

Oh, wait...it's supposed to be.

And then I remember that this is not a world of 'shoulds' or 'supposed to bes' and just give thanks I have the opportunity.

So I'm excited.

And feeling brave.

I have about seven hundred and three posts of Luke that I need to make. Thanksgiving, Christmas, his birthday...12 month check-up and more. Poor boy...my only excuse is that my time is really taken up with him.

And I love it.

I love rocking him to sleep every night. He doesn't depend on it; he'd go to sleep on his own if I just gave him his bottle and put him down, but I love rocking him as he drinks his milk and singing or humming to him. I've started to tell him a Bible verse every night, hoping he'll have those words written on his heart forever. Plus, it helps me remember Scripture too, which I'd like to do more. I just think that time with him is precious.

What a blessing similar time with a little brother or sister would be. As a friend reminded me tonight...worth it all. Worth all the shots. Worth all the stinging. Worth all the worry and just worth it all...

Have to say...it's easy to be brave when he's what I get to hum to sleep and wake up to every day.

Neonatal Death At Delivery...

2012-01-15T22:58:00.000-05:00

We got into NoVA last night so I could head out to Rockville this morning for my Lupron Evaluation. All this was to check was my estrogen level, my progesterone level and make sure I have quiet ovaries, thin lining and no cysts.

Estrogen: 32.4
Progesterone: less than .02

No cysts; nice thin lining. All systems go, and the sono tech said it must be nice to have such a lovely start to this cycle.

It is.

But as I was leaving, I snuck a look at the computer (Which is cleverly disguised in the name of HIPPA to protect patient information with a piece of paper taped over the screen. The piece of paper says, "Staff only. HIPPA protection.") I lifted the sheet of paper because I wanted to see what stuff she wrote in about me and maybe see what stuff has been written so far.

(And it IS my info, so I didn't feel like I was invading any privacy or anything.)

Lots of info. Cycle try number. Current doctor. Current nurse. Patient preferences for transfer doctors. Info from my saline sono last month.

And the info that never ceases to take my breath away each time I read it.

"11/09 Neonatal Death at Delivery."

I know. I lived it. I still live it. I will live with it every day.

But there's something about seeing it in writing like that...in something so official and so clinical...that just makes me instantly begin to sob.

Which I did, right there in the office.

Could be the drugs. Pretty powerful hormone stuff going on these days, obviously.

But doubtful.

More just how deeply seeing his entire little life summed up in a four-word fragment still sears my heart.

I just don't know how I'll ever be able to see such a succint representation of his life without breaking into tears.

Guess that's what I get for sneaking a peak.

In other news...started the Bravelle and Menopur tonight and took the last dose of Lupron this morning. Starting me off a little higher from the bat so that I can get bigger/more mature follicles this time. So, I take 225 of Bravelle and 150 of Menopur. I don't remember it stinging as much as it did tonight.

There's a lot I don't remember about the last two cycles.

But there's more that I'll never forget.

Cycling!

2012-01-10T14:36:00.001-05:00

I know I posted that we were in the middle of a cycle and it was very surreal because I wasn't really even obsessing a teensy bit.

That may have been an understatement.

I'm sort of on autopilot.

On one hand, I think, "This is a breeze. Been there, done this...a couple of times. This cycle has even BETTER blood work, BETTER optimism, etc... No need to worry."

I am walking around acting as if I'l be getting a phone call in about a month telling me a due date.

Which worries me because I fear that my lack of attention may be leading me to go about all of this a little less strictly than I should!

I started the lupron yesterday and as I got all of the stuff ready last night, I looked at the protocol to see how much I was to take.

20 units.

Ummm...crud. My needles are all messed up. Which ones go with which? Is it 20 notches? 20 on this needle? 2 on that needle?

So, figured that out and then realized I was supposed to take it in the MORNING!

What? I never took it in the morning with Matthew!

Nope, I didn't, as my nurse told me. But this time, since I was over suppressed with the Lupron with Matthew's cycle, they want me to do it in the morning for monitoring purposes.

Shoot!

So, I had to take it in the afternoon today and then back on track tomorrow am.

Doggone it! I know everyone (including me!) is glad that I'm too busy with life, and particularly with Luke, to be stressing over this cycle, but I have to be a little more obsessive, I think!!!

John and I talked about how after Matthew died, he and I switched extremes. Like, I worry about hardly anything and he worries about pretty much everything. I have to say, I get why people who don't worry about things much don't—there's a LOT more freedom to enjoy stuff! Worrying about it, especially if it happens, just makes one twice as miserable.

But...when I do little dumb things like this because I am not even bothered by what has previously been so stressful...well...guess I have to work on being a little more diligent, huh?

My nurse said it was not a big deal at all, and I didn't think it would be, so again, one more instance where worrying about it (like John was last night!) wouldn't have helped one bit...hard to be more diligent in worrying (of all things, ha ha!) when even messing up wasn't a big deal!

Sigh...

2012-01-09T00:09:00.000-05:00

I know. It happens.

It should happen.

I'm grateful...so, so grateful that it happens and I am honored and blessed beyond measure to WATCH it happen...to be a participant in it happening.

But it's too fast!

Too, too fast.

He's just turning into such a little BOY and less and less my sweet baby.

He's spunky.

He's funny.

He's clever.

He's fascinated with "catch me!" as he climbs stairs and we "chase" up after him. He squeals like it's the best game EVER.

He's precious.

He's analytical.

He's determined.

He's purposeful.

He's persistent.

He's snuggly.

He's giggly.

He's amazing.

And he's growing so quickly I can hardly catch my breath.

Thank you, Lord, for his precious life.

Could you just help me figure a way out to freeze it for just a little longer?

Oh, Yeah...BTW....

2012-01-05T16:12:00.002-05:00

So...we've been so busy with the holidays and Luke's birthday that I have not even had three seconds to really think about the other BIG deal going on in our life right now.

I am in the middle of another IVF cycle.

In about a week or so, I go back up to MD for the two weeks of stims/monitoring/retrieval and transfer process. Two weeks later, I'll take a beta and see if it worked. And then, God willing, about 9 months later, another little Ennis will come into our family.

Yep. CRAZY, right?

I have not really focused on this AT ALL. With Matthew's and Luke's cycles—obsession. Obsession, obsession and more obsession.

With this one?

More like, "What? What cycle?!"

Which is actually kind of freeing and nice, in a way. Not stressing (we've already all agreed that another little one in our lives is truly icing on our already amazing family cake) and not believing how quickly it is all happening...which means that it will be over before I know it!

Sooo...if you read this and you pray...please pray for us. Pray for a smooth cycle. Much of it will be done without John. (As in, "Sooo...do you want to hear the story of how mommy got pregnant when daddy was on the boat?) I'm feeling SOOOO my age these days—achy back (that chunker of mine is heavy!), bunion feet (Don't laugh..okay, do...it's funny. And hereditary. Thanks, Mom.) and general fear of my pretty easy and smooth life about to turn into some major big changes.

But I keep reminding myself...God does not give us a spirit of fear.

So, please pray for us that I keep remembering that!

Also, my dear, dear friend Terri's mother died this morning. Terri is a former parent, and has been such a support since we got pregnant with and lost Matthew, and she religiously tends to Matthew's grave (as do so many other dear friends!) and sends me pictures. I know losing one's mother is devastating, so if you could keep her in your prayers, I know she'd appreciate it. She's always such a prayer warrior for me!

One Year With A Little Piece of Heaven!

2012-01-04T04:02:00.003-05:00

I really find it hard to believe I am writing about the last YEAR with my sweet Samuel Luke.

Especially because it is 4:02 in the morning and I am STILL trying to get a video of the past year I made put together.

Rather, it's put together but I need to clean space off my computer because my eight million and 4 pictures have stolen all my space.

Time consuming. But I'm still on Maui time, so it's ok.

Luke is back to regular time, though...so it could be rough in a few hours!

How is it possible that my sweet little boy is already a year old? How?

I just brought him home.

He just opened his eyes and saw his Mama.

He just mewed that sweet little Baby Kitty mew.

I just don't get it.

And because it is late, and I am tired, I don't have the energy to tell that precious boy of mine everything I want to tell him, but that's ok because I'll tell him the gist every day for the rest of my life:

He is precious.

He is healing.

He is magical.

He is bliss.

He is SUCH a good traveler.

He is not walking yet, but cruising all around and starting to stand on his own for a few seconds.

He has 6 teeth and working on two more...his bottom two and his top two and the two on either side of those are in, and the two on the side of THOSE are trying!

He is a great eater, when he wants to, and he'll at least TRY just about anything.

He'll immediately push right back out whatever he doesn't want.

His words are: Mama, Dada, Hi! Bye, Doggie, Bath and Baby.

Yep, pretty much the essentials, though I think he uses Doggie as much as mama and he also learned Zach (his cousin) this week.

He loved Maui. Not so much the sand, but eventually the pool and the little pebbles. They were delicious. BIG fan of the hot tub. The boy likes warm water! And loves, loves, loves fruity drinks with straws!

He is a great sleeper. He goes to sleep around 7ish and wakes around 7ish the next day. Sometimes wakes up in the night, but usually settles himself. We'll see how that goes when the paci goes bye-bye.

Naps are not on any schedule, but more certain periods of time since last wake-up. He really only fusses when he's ready for a nap, and then, it's not fussing as much as whining and clinging to mama.

Which I love. (Well, the clinging to mama part!)

His 12 month appointment is next week. He is 21 lbs, 7 oz. by our scale. Still low on the percentiles, but you'd NEVER know it by looking at him or picking him up. Someone in Maui called him a Sumo Baby.

Hmpf.

He is just joy, joy, joy and more joy to my soul. He has helped my faith be restored.

Yes, I felt betrayed and disappointed by God. I think that would have been expected.

But if I hold God responsible for my feelings after Matthew died, then I must do the same for the last year with Luke.

And truly, my heart has been filled with a love so amazing and so deep that I simply cannot thank God enough.

I'll never know or understand why we've lived the years we've lived.

Or why they've been how they've been.

But I don't need to know.

Holding that precious little boy in my arms for the last year has been enough to tell me that God LOVES me so much.

How else could I have been so blessed with this amazing and wonderful little boy we call Luke?

Happy Birthday, sweet, sweet boy. You will never know what you mean to Mama, but I hope you believe that you are precious to me in a way that words simply can't do justice.

I love, love, love you.

I love you in the morning,

I love you in the night.

I love you when you're happy,

I love you when you fight.

I love you in the daytime,

And all the nighttime too.....

I love you, love you, love you...

I love you, YES I DO!

It's Ok, He's With Me...

2011-12-24T10:23:00.004-05:00

We are headed to Maui tomorrow. For the last several years, this has been a rough time of year. Dad passed on November 27, 2006. We sat at an empty Christmas tree in 2007, missing Dad and still no children. At Christmas 2008, we pretty much realized the adoption we'd been working on for nearly a year and a half was not going to happen, and anticipated what IVF was about to bring. Matthew was born and passed on November 28 and 29, 2009. Last year, we were hopeful, but cautious, sadly missing some of the joy of Christmas simply because we were uncertain about Luke's impending arrival.

And this year...

This year, I am taking my precious little almost one-year old on a plane bound to celebrate Christmas with family in Maui. He's standing on his own (just a few seconds at a time, and often falling with a thump), cutting four teeth at once, and talking up a storm. He insists on trying to feed himself (heck, he's insisting on trying to do everything himself) and he is such a joy there just aren't words to express it.

When people ask me how I've been able to survive, and more, survive with my faith in God in tact, it's moments like this one I am having right now...typing as that sweet boy plays with a rubber watch he finds fascinating as he wears a snowman shirt and reindeer socks. After Matthew died, my heart was so broken and so crushed, I knew that I'd never, ever, ever be able to have the same level of happiness I'd once had before.

And I was right.

But I have a deeper and different level of happiness, and that can only be from God. A few weeks ago, while having communion, and quietly praying before taking the wafer, I prayed, "Jesus, forgive me. Forgive me for wanting Heaven so badly because I want Matthew and not You. Not that I don't want You, but Lord, I want Matthew so badly. Please just forgive me for not having You at the top of my list...but know it's because my heart misses him so much."

I am not someone who 'hears' God very much.

But I did that morning. I heard, as clear as anything I've ever heard in my head, "It's ok. I know. He's with me. And I've used his little life to bring you closer to me. It's ok."

Friends, for the first time in two years, I finally, finally, finally believed that it IS ok. I felt like instead of losing Matthew, I had been given more. Not only have I been able to have a deeper relationship with God (amazing what sole dependence will do), but I've been given the most amazing gift of Luke, AND I have Matthew in Heaven too.

Instead of hurting over what I've lost, I was able to see what I've been given. I feel like I've been appreciative of every second with Luke, but for the first time, instead of feeling like I'd been totally robbed of Matthew, I was reminded that I HAD him...and one day would have him forever, and in the meantime, was blessed with so much.

That Sunday morning just a few weeks ago touched me in a way that I've been begging God for for over two years now.

And I am reminded that the best gift I've ever been given is Him.

Truly.

I hope anyone who still even reads this has the most blessed of Christmases. I know many are hurting, and I remember so well that raw, intense pain.

But I know the joy I have in my life right now, and know that truly, the only way that could be is God. It's just not anything but the supernatural power of God.

All our love,

I get it...

2011-12-20T12:03:00.004-05:00

My husband loves his mother.

Really. I've always thought that to be a good quality, as you can really tell a lot about the way a man will treat and love his wife by how he loves and treats his mother.

My husband has always loved his mother and I think treats her well, and he does the same with me.

And frankly, I really love her too. Not in that in-law kind of way that you have to, but in the really-glad-and-grateful-to-have-another-mother-in-my-life kind of way.

Especially since my mom is gone.

But raising Luke, and praying for his future wife someday has really taught me a lot about how some mothers-in-law can get 'those' reputations.

You know, the ones that won't let go of their little boys? That insist that their boys put them first, even before their wives? Those mothers-in-law.

I get it. I don't agree with it, and I certainly hope that I am not one of those one day (and please know that my sweet mother-in-law is NOT that way either...she's wonderful!), but I get it.

Because I don't want to ever let him go. And I do love that he loves me so much. Cries for me. Wants me to get him when he is unhappy or sad or whatever. Lights up when he sees "Mama!" I love, love, love that I am his best girl. I want that forever, ha ha!

Yes, I know how 'those' mothers-in-law can be created, and I get it. I get it.

Be Specific In What You Ask...

2011-12-14T21:49:00.004-05:00

I know I'm behind, behind, behind in keeping up with pictures and updates for Lukealicious.

Seriously, though...it's because I am just enjoying every second with him and in those few minutes here and there during the day that he's napping or gobbling up some goodies in his high chair, I am trying to at least keep up with the unholy amount of dog hair that piles up on the floor each day. I will sweep, Swiffer, vacuum (with my NEW Dyson 35 Slim Digital—not impressed) and swiffer again, and yet, that boy crawls around for 5 minutes and he's wearing enough fur to build a new dog.

I digress.

ANYWAY...we also have been pretty busy doing some things...like testing to see whether or not we were eligible for Shady Grove's Shared Risk program again. It's been a few months worth of preparation—from weaning Luke (which really and truly was so easy in the big scheme of things) to hoping my body falls into semi-regular cycles (TOTALLY. TOTALLY did. On its own. Crazy.) to just managing when/where/how to have the testing done...it's been a process.

A super duper easy process, though.

Yep, easy. Very easy. Like I said, Luke practically weaned himself. My body became so normal so quickly and surprisingly. The day I needed to have testing done just.so.happened to be the day after Thanksgiving and we were ever so conveniently about 30 minutes away from Shady Grove. We walked into the office, had bloodwork done and then an ultrasound. My ultrasound was to determine how many antral follicles I had and they found 22. Not too shabby for a gal my age, and the tech said not too shabby for a gal in her 20s!

A few days later, on Matthew's birthday, my nurse called and told me the preliminary blood work was fabulous. FSH was 7.5, estrogen was 45, LH was 10...just all in all, super bloodwork, again for someone my age. She (knowing it was Matthew's birthday) said, "Maybe he decided to let you know on his birthday he has a brother or sister up there waiting to come down to you."

Gulp.

The only thing we've been waiting on is the Ovarian Assessment Score. It's new for me in the IVF cycling, and was the determining factor as to whether or not we'd be accepted into Shared Risk. We've decided to go with Shared Risk again because we felt like as much as Shady Grove loves us (and we love them!), they ARE a business. If they don't feel like I'm going to be somewhat profitable for both their numbers and pocketbooks, they are not going to accept me. In my eyes, I'd rather have them say, "Sorry, Lori...not saying you can't get pregnant again, just saying we aren't that confident in it...and it may take 3 or 4 tries at that." because John and I decided that if that was the case, we'd look into other options that we were more than ok with.

Sooo....driving down 95 yesterday and flipping through the channels, I came across Focal Point and the pastor was talking about prayer. He was basically saying that God wants us to be specific...not just, "Thanks for a good day, God," or "God, please fix this," but really specific..."Thanks for that awesome conversation I got to have at lunch today," or "God, please open the job that I really feel I'd fit well in up for me."

I am a bit embarrassed to say this, but hearing that, I rather flippantly said, out loud, "Ok, God...how's this? I'd like a baby brother or sister. I'd LOVE a healthy and happy baby brother or sister for Matthew and Luke."

Would you believe that in fewer than 10 minutes, my nurse called me and told me my score had come back (not expecting to hear from her that day) and it was GOOD?! It was a 13, which was the highest score she's seen!!! The score ranges are Excellent, Good, Fair and Poor and she said the only thing that dragged me down was my age (gosh darnit!). I was expecting Fair, but really dreaming of Good...and there it was!

(Ummm...did I also mention the little prism of rainbow Mom and I saw in the sky the day before as we were just driving and there really was no reason for a rainbow to be out but perhaps a lovely little sign of things to come?)

Lesson learned in specificity.

And get this...we are moving FAST! In about a week and a half or so, I'll start birth control. Two weeks later, the lupron. About two weeks later, the hormones....we are looking at a retrieval and transfer sometime in January/February.

Crazy.

John, of course, will probably be gone, but that's ok. We can work around that, ha ha.

That's some of the goings on of late in a nutshell.

We are going to try and add a new little brother or sister to our family.

And seriously...look at this boy....this amazing, fun, fabulous, precious little boy....

Picture his brother...God gives us some pretty incredible babies.

How could we not at least ask him for one more? I know when pregnant with Luke, I prayed so many grateful prayers but ones that always included, "If you just let me bring him home and have him healthy, I'll never ask for another thing again," and here I am, asking for one more thing.

But I'm being specific. We would so, so, so cherish another baby.

And that's where the specificity ends. Gender doesn't matter!

If you pray, and pray for us, please pray for these next several weeks. They hold the potential for so much.

Pray for us to accept whatever they bring with open and grateful hearts and to remember that God works all things for our good.

Who He'd Be Today...

2011-11-28T22:45:00.005-05:00

Luke,

Mama wants you to know this--November 28 is a special day.

It's your brother's birthday, and even if he isn't here with us, I want you to know what an amazing gift our family was given on this day two years ago.

Oh, Luke...he, like you, truly is such a sweet, sweet part of my life.

In such a different, different way.

When Matthew died, I ached. I hurt. I longed to hold my baby and I wept because my arms and heart and everything in me was just empty. It felt like it would never be full again, and really, I guess until we get to Heaven, it won't.

When we found out we were pregnant again with you, hope came back into our lives. My arms still ached and every time I saw a mama give her baby boy a hug or a kiss, I really just felt this pit in my stomach wishing it was ME giving MY baby boy hugs and kisses.

But you gave me hope that one day I WOULD give a baby boy or girl of mine all the love I've wanted to for years.

And when you were born, my arms didn't ache to be filled as much because YOU filled them. You busied my every second and you still fill my days with such joy. I know you think I hug and kiss you too much, but too bad because I have wanted to do that for so, so many years.

I still ache, though. I physically wish I could still hug and kiss Matthew, but what I miss more is who he would be.

I never really missed that initially, I think. I missed the tangible parts of parenting--the sweet baby smells and the soft sighs of contentment. Dressing him up in all the things we'd bought for him and quiet nursing sessions in the middle of the night. Things that I have been so, so grateful to have with you.

Now, as I watch you grow and change into this amazing and funny and charming little boy...

...I wonder who Matthew would be.

What he'd be like.

Before you were born, I said that I felt like you were so much of your daddy...lives for food and likes to just live the good life.

I was SO right!

I had my predictions about what Matthew would be like too.

I miss that I will never get to verify them. I miss knowing what his first word would be...how he'd react when Dixie licked him or what he'd think of Santa Claus and pumpkin pie.

You are growing up so quickly, and with every day, something new happens and you become more and more YOU.

This year, on Matthew's second birthday, I feel pretty sad that I still just don't know HIM. His little life was so brief...but leaves me with what seems like eternity wondering what would have been.

We were able to go back to Maryland this weekend for his birthday. We went to our church, saw our sweet friends, and were able to visit Matthew's resting place. I am so touched by the care that is given to it in our absence, and was so happy to be back 'home' for even just the weekend. I stood in the same pew we always stand in and looked at the altar and thought about how it had looked 105 weekends ago when Matthew's coffin was there. I thought about how much my world stood still at that time and how heartbroken I was.

And how much of my world moves at a crazy speed today and how I am not necessarily heartbroken as I am heart-healing.

You are so much a part of that heart-healing. In fact, the heartbroken really only pours out mostly when I am just consumed with the joy of you. I know that seems weird, but it's true.

I get overwhelmed with emotion because it makes me realize what I am missing with Matthew even more.

I know that to many, the expectation is that two years have passed...you are here now and Matthew's gone and life goes on.

That's all true.

And I think it's pretty obvious by the beaming I am usually displaying whenever you and I are together that I am truly happy and content...even at Matthew's grave, my heart is so joyful because of you.

So knowing how much I adore and cherish you, I think it stands to reason that your brother, even though not with us, is just as adored and cherished.

Because he is. And always will be. As will you.

Luke, don't ever think for one second that you do not have every piece of my heart. You do, without question.

But on November 28, 2009...my heart took on a completely different look and feel...and so it's that heart--the one that misses your big brother so much, yet is so grateful just for what little time I had with him--that's the heart you have.

The heart that will always wonder who he'd be.

From my sweet Pensacola girls. They love you boys so much!

Luke, When mama is gone, will you do me a favor? Please keep eating chocolate birthday cake for Matthew on his birthday. It would make me really happy.

...Even though you had to think about it some tonight!

In His Memory...

2011-11-18T10:57:00.006-05:00

My heart just can't believe that this beautiful little boy would have been two years old in 10 days. I can hardly breathe just typing those words. It doesn't seem real, and yet the reality of it all still is so seared in every fiber of my being that I am sometimes just completely and totally overwhelmed with emotion.

That precious little face is and will always be such a blessing to me.

My sweet and unbelievably talented friend has generously donated this gorgeous quilt to be auctioned in order to raise money for the Kyrgyzstan Orphanage Challenge in Matthew's memory.

Amazing quilt front!

This is the entire back!

Every year, the Wright Stuff does amazing things through the generosity of others to help those poor precious children have something special, if just for one day of the year. I am again honored to be able to raise money to help, and can't think of a better way to honor Matthew's memory...and celebrate his birth...than to share wonderful Christmases with so many in need.

I've never done a chip-in, so hope it's not too difficult! The quilt is completely handmade, a 52 x 52 eight-point star pattern (I know nothing of quilts other than it is GORGEOUS!) and truly, the pictures do not do it justice. This is a really, really intricate and delicate quilt and I think that $5 a chip for a chance to win it is a GREAT deal as I know quilts are so pricey! (Again, thank you, Karie!)

If you do not want to enter in the chip-in for the quilt but would like to donate, please go here and donate through the info on John's sidebar. If you are doing so in Matthew's memory, you can enter that in the paypal instructions (so they'll credit my pie challenge). The payoff if I raise $500 is a pie in my face (payoff for whom, I ask? ha ha) but really, the bigger payoff is the joy in the lives of these children. You can read more about that here and here.

Thank you, thank you for your support and generosity and just overwhelming love for me and our family. We are blessed beyond measure.

xoxoxo

Keeping Up With Luke....

2011-11-12T21:20:00.005-05:00

...it's near impossible these days.

For starters, he is growing way, way, way too quickly for his mama's comfort. Wasn't I just at the hospital? Weren't you all just texting me your numbers so I could text you pictures when he was born?

How did he turn into this unbelievably inquisitive little boy? He's always sort of just sat back and taken everything in...but he really is putting that to use now that he is mobile. He investigates EVERY.THING. Gotta find out how it works...what makes it tick....he's just so interested in the mechanics of everything.

Definitely his daddy's boy because mama couldn't care less...as long as stuff works, right?!

He is very mobile. Still doesn't crawl much but cruises around and tries to stand everywhere. He's standing on his own for a couple seconds lots more and I really think he'll just sort of bypass crawling more to go to walking. At church nursery, they tell me it's just a matter of time. I think that it is funny that he STILL won't sit up fully from a laying down position. He sits up about 2/3rds of the way, reaches out like he's saying, "Alms for the poor...." and then rolls onto his knees and then to standing. Hilarious.

I'M NOT READY, though!!!! I love every single day that he grows and learns something new...but I just can't believe my baby is such a big boy now!

He's still got an amazing disposition on everything. He's had this cough and icky nose for about a week and a couple of days now and with the recovery from the flu, and two babies with RSV at church, we've been watching to be sure he's ok. I took him in on the doctor's advice, and guess what? That boy had a double ear infection and sinus infection. The doctor asked, "Hasn't he been fussy?"

Nope.

"Has he been eating ok? That throat is raging red."

Yep. In fact, he tries just about EVERY.THING. He had chili the night before the doctor visit.

She said, "I tell you, that disposition is great, isn't it?"

It is...but it makes me worry because I don't want to undertreat him. Here he's had a double ear infection and sinus infection and the worst we've dealt with is a bit of sleep disruption. And by bit...I mean teeny bit. Barely anything.

He's just such a good baby. Confirmed by all his pediatricians, ha ha!

He is babbling up a storm. His official words are Mama, Daddy, Bye-bye and now "Hiiiiii!" with my inflection, which is so darned cute. He says it with this sweet little lift like I always do when I say "Hi!" to him and I just love how he picks up his words like we say them. He is still a talking fool, and I love it.

He loves his food. Seriously. The weaning has gone really well...in fact, so well that he makes me sad that he doesn't even seem to miss nursing because he goes goo-goo, gaa-gaa for the bottle. We'll be starting formula soon, though, so we'll see what he thinks about that. He is so good about trying foods...he'll try anything now. Of course, he's super smart about taking it right back out of his mouth if he doesn't like it, but so far, some of his faves are white chicken chili, biscuits, egg rolls and dumplings! I love that I have such a good eater.

Again, got that from daddy, ha ha!

We are pretty settled in the house now and he likes his room. It's not his room at home, but he is really enjoying all his books. When he gets on the floor to play, he goes straight to the book basket, every time. His favorites are still the Mama Llama books, as well as Harry The Dirty Dog, Clifford and super-favorite, The Busy Little Squirrel. He laughs and laughs at his books, and I love that he's so into them.

THAT he gets from his Mama!

Hard to believe that we are so close to Thanksgiving...and to Matthew's second birthday. I just don't know where time has gone. I am really excited to go home for Thanksgiving. We'll be going back to church, and then after, to the cemetery as Matthew's birthday will be the Monday after Thanksgiving.

I feel like I should be planning more...or feeling more wistful. I think I pretty much feel wistful for something about Matthew every day, so maybe that's why I don't feel such a build-up right now. I have to say, we have hung Matthew's big collage in our hallway and EVERY.SINGLE.TIME we walk by it, Luke lights up with the biggest smile. I know, I know...he probably thinks he's looking at himself, as that's what he always does when he sees HIMSELF in the mirror. They still look so much alike sometimes, I have no doubt that Luke thinks it's just another mirror with an incredibly handsome baby.

But I'm just going to believe that he is as delighted as I am when he sees his big brother. And the glee in his face says, "Hey! I know you!"

What a blessing I have in both of those baby boys.

He sure does love his daddy. It's very, very reciprocated!

Of course...Mama still makes him light up too!

"Mommy....what have I said about bath pictures????"

Getting 10 month pictures was HARD! He is all over the place!

He is so happy and jolly all the time, but he also has this really serious face that he gets sometimes and I love catching! He was wondering what that hay he was sitting in was all about!

This was SUCH a joyful picture! We got to meet up with our dear friend, and mommy of a precious Baby Named Nathan. It was quite an event to get to each other, but when we did, it was wonderful! Loved meeting up and can't wait to get together again soon!

The End Of An Era...

2011-11-05T23:21:00.004-04:00

Definition of an era: A period of time characterized by particular circumstances, events, or personages.

The era of nursing Luke is over. Actually, it ended yesterday, just as I had planned for it to...on his ten-month birthday.

I have enough milk stored for a couple more weeks and then we'll switch over to formula.

Sounds so cut and dry, doesn't it? Sounds just like the old me...Planned it. Prepared for it. Executed it. Finished it.

It's NOT that cut and dry!

Yes, I've been planning it and have been talking with doctors, nurses lactation consultants and most helpful, other mommies.

Yes, Luke has (true to his easy manner!) made it so easy for me. (Maybe too easy, if I am honest!) He has switched over to bottles fairly well now (only The First Years BreastFlow, though I have tried all sorts of others!) and cracks me up at how he can totally hold it, yet won't. Mommy may have stopped supplying directly, but he still holds me accountable for making sure it gets to him easily and without much work on his part, ha ha!

Yes, it's for a bigger goal. A chance at a sibling with whom he can grow up.

Yes, even if we the testing comes back saying it's a no-go on another IVF, I'll still at least know we tried.

But it hurts. I sort of feel like my body is in mourning...kind of like the poor puppy who brings a ball to his master's feet, willing to run and play and jump like they always have, only to learn the master has a baby now and just doesn't have the same time for the puppy that it once did...and the puppy just sort of takes the ball, longingly, and waits for things to go back like they were before. (Not that this has happened in our house, right?) That's how my body is right now...wondering why we are not feeding that baby like we always have and whether or not it is even appreciated anymore. I'm not in physical pain (seriously, Luke has been somewhat weaning himself anyway, according to the lactation consultants, and that's helped tremendously,) but more emotional.

I have plenty of milk. I always have. He's a good nurser (after some major effort, of course). I honestly would go until he completely stopped or I dried up.

But if we are going to get this testing done, and further, should the testing prove positive and we attempt a cycle or two...we have to get going. And I have to stop making milk and the accompanying hormones so test results are not skewed.

I told my sister-in-law (Who, by the way, really is a good conversationalist. She listens, even when one rambles, and has good insight and good, honest support. I never remember to tell her this, but am doing so right now!) that I feel like I am always robbing Peter to pay Paul when it comes to sacrificing one child's needs for another's...sacrifice feelings I have for Matthew to be the mommy Luke needs. Sacrifice mood and energy level for Luke because I'm drained in giving to Matthew when I just have those horrible, terrible achy days.

Now I am sacrificing something so precious and intimate and sacred with Luke, for the mere possibility of another sibling.

It just isn't fair.

But I already know that, and she reminded me that's just how it goes when you have multiple children.

And it is. I guess it's the fact that this next sibling is truly just a dream right now and having to stop nursing Luke to get there is a very tangible thing I am giving up.

The knowledge, either way, will be worth it. I will not regret weaning Luke and having another child. I may wish wistfully that I'd not had to stop nursing Luke only to find out we weren't having another one, but I would always regret not knowing whether we could or not.

So, as stated. The end of an era. A wonderful and magical one, though very bumpy and not without it's share of frustrations. Sweet little Luke, I want you to know it has been my honor and my privilege to nurse you these 10 months, and I am so grateful for the amazing experience and memories. Thank you, thank you.

Today we took some pictures out at the beach. They mostly stink because it was so bright out they are all overexposed and frankly, I don't know how to compensate for that. I was in manual, and I was using all my tricks on my camera to balance exposure, but still...blech. I want to learn how to adjust white balance in Kelvin and I also need to learn more about metering with my camera. But I digress...the purpose of this paragraph was to preface the pictures. My niece is visiting and after I took a few of Luke, I set the camera and gave it to her. She captured some really sweet ones...because the most important part of the pictures are the expressions...they show how much I adore this little boy and how happy he is.

I am so blessed with him.

It's Complicated...

2011-11-01T00:01:00.009-04:00

Not necessarily the most uplifting way to start a post, I guess...but basically how I've been feeling lately, so might as well be honest.

It's that time of year again. Two minutes ago, two years ago, I posted the following facebook status: "This is my sweet boy's birth month. What a blessing his life already is. Can't wait to meet him!"

You know, I have to say that at this moment, typing, my heart hurts because I really feel like I didn't get to 'meet' him. So many did...and I am glad for that. I'm most glad that John did and got to spend so much of his life with him.

But all I got was a shoulder caress and a sweet fingertip kiss to his cheek.

Poor thing probably had no idea I was even there.

It's ok. Don't feel the need to tell me that surely he did. Whether he did or didn't, no difference. I was jilted out of my long-anticipated meeting and it just hurts.

He was such a beautiful baby.

And his little brother! His little brother STILL looks so much like him sometimes. I know people who have twins that don't look as much alike as Matthew and Luke do. What a blessing both of those baby boys are to me.

I guess I am just in one of those moods. Two years ago...on top of the world with joy and excitement and just overwhelming gratitude (not to mention an extra 50 pounds!). A year ago...heartache, confusion, anxiety and still amazing gratitude (and an extra 20 pounds!). Today...I'll be honest. All of that and more...add in bitterness and frustration and uncertainty and take away all of that gained weight and even an addtional 10 pounds, though I am not happy with how much weight I have lost. Like...probably going to the doctor because of how much weight I've lost, though John just thinks it's because I am carrying Chunky Monkey all over the place and running around day in and day out. (Glad he notices!)

I am bitter and frustrated and uncertain about our upcoming plans to look into another IVF cycle. Bitter and frustrated because this is the last week I am nursing, and very possibly, forEVER. I have been an emotional wreck over this. I remember writing how much of a fan I was of breastmilk, but not so much of nursing because let's be real--it's HARD!

Now...I TOTALLY get why people would nurse their kids until they were 104.

(Well, that may be pushing it...but I'd definitely nurse Luke until he wanted to be done if I felt like I could without jeopardizing the opportunity for a sibling for him.)

Which is the kicker...here I am crying, crying, crying on a regular basis because I don't want to give nursing up and that little stinker (and obvious blessing in disguise!) is weaning himself!!!! He is such a good, easy baby...and weaning is no exception. He's not a huge fan of bottles, but he does ok with them. He's definitely pulled back on the nursing on his own though, and all the lactation ladies remind me, this is what I want--HIM to tell ME that he's good.

But it makes me sad because I'll miss it. I'm grateful it's so easy for us. Him, rather.

But I'm sad.

And I am angry that I have to give it up just to *see* if we will qualify for another IVF cycle.

My guess is that we won't, and I've given nursing up for nothing.

Then I remind myself that it's not nothing. It's the knowledge I'll gain. The regret of not knowing that I won't have to live with.

That's worth it, right?

Anyway...as said...feelings these days are complicated. For all my aching, and searching for acceptance of things being as they are...I am just so, so, so madly in love with Luke.

Seriously. He is just truly the most amazing gift and I am so grateful (and excited!) that I have him to share these upcoming dates and holidays with. I had to buy him a coat because it's actually coat-worthy here in NC and as I hung it in our coat closet tonight, I started crying over how beautiful it was having that little bitty coat in there with ours.

What a gift he is indeed.

He said "Bye-Bye" the other day, to grandma, on the phone. Cracked me up. I had her on speaker, said, "Bye," and she said, "Bye," and as I hung up, out of the back seat came, "Bye-bye!" I looked back at him and asked if he said, "Bye-bye," and he just smiled, like, "Umm...didn't you hear me?!" He's done it a few times since. I love it! I also think those teeth are rearing their heads again, and I just wish they'd pop through for him. Still just those cute ones on the bottom. He is adjusting just beautifully to the move (HOORAY FOR FINALLY BEING IN A HOUSE!!!!) and getting so, so big. He's in mostly 12 month clothes now and yet, his feet, which USED to be big and long like his brother's, seem to have just stopped growing. I'm having a heck of a time finding pre-walkers for his size 2 feet. If that. Still mostly crawling or standing with some cruising, but that's ok by me.

Let him stay little. Lord, please...just let him stay little a little while longer. I can't soak in enough with just 24 hours in a day.

Here are some pics from the last two weeks. I think my favorite thing is how happy he is. Like he knows how much he's loved. I love that!

A few weeks ago we went to Mike's Farm. Super fun!!! He was all happy and smiley...

...until some punk kid (seriously) comes along, pushes the pumpkin RIGHT INTO LUKE, and he wasn't happy....

Mama made it better....

...well, sorta...he's still wondering about how he got hit with a big old pumpkin!

"Okay...I'll somewhat pose!"

Happier!!!!

MUCH happier!!!

That boy loves, loves, loves him some Daddy!

So...last summer...after we found out he was LUKE and not Molly, we went and bought some things for LUKE. This costume was on clearance for .... get this.... $.48! Could not help but get it! He is looking at me like he's wondering how long it's gonna take CPS to come and lock me up?!

"Oh brother..."

I'm in trouble this hat season. Boy knows how to take them off!!!

We got a SWEET visit from our friends and Luke thought Miss Tamla was mighty comfy! They stopped by after he was in bed, but I knew he'd be just fine with being woken up to see them, and he was....snuggled right into her! It's been about 4 months since Bert and Tamla had seen him, and she can attest...the boy is SOLID! (For the record, he was back asleep within 5 minutes after they left. He is SUCH a good boy!)

That boy and his faces....

I know kids under two should not watch tv. I know this. I also know that reality is harder to live by. I allow 1.5 hours a WEEK. This usually lets me get dinner done when he's having one of those moods where he'd rather not play by himself (which he does a fabulous job of, most of the time!) for a bit...This was the 28th and he was enthralled with his cookie and the Wonderpets.

Took him to the Atlantic Beach Kite Festival and it was chilly! First cool weather clothing...he wasn't too sure of it!

...but he had fun at the beach!

Yeah...definitely a daddy's boy!

He LOVES to swing (though daddy scares me with how high he pushes!)...

I learned, sort of, how to use Instagram. Still working on it!

Our sweet friend Amanda got us this AWESOME Red Fish, Blue Fish toy. Pulled it out the other day. Wouldn't you know he went STRAIGHT for the Red Fish??????? There was a blue one, two green ones and a yellow. He immediately went for the red one. Choked me up a bit.

Of course...then he had to eat it.

Before his first Family Day as a VMM-266 Griffin kid!!!!

At the marina...great day!

Clarity (Not Really...this post RAMBLES!)

2011-10-15T07:35:00.021-04:00

Seriously. He is such a joy.

You know how some days, every.single.thing is just muddy? Wishy Washy? Unsure? Unsettling? Just not clear...

Yep, I've had a lot of those in the last 22 months and 17 days. If I believed that life was fair, I'd say more than my fair share.

But...I don't believe that. Life has certainly proven itself to not be fair, and even more, we are told...life is hard. There will be trouble. (Sometimes 'trouble' sort of seems like an understatement, doesn't it?) The Promise is we aren't alone.

So that's what I've been clinging to...and has been faithful to me. The Promise. I have lately had so, so many days where things are just so crystal clear. Like roadblocks just sort of push themselves out of the way and say, "Here, Lori...this way, please..."

A lot has been due to the study I've been doing. (Again, it is Angela Thomas's Brave and it is UH-MAZING!) A lot has been due to the ladies with whom I've been sharing it. A lot has been due to my purposeful effort to focus even more on the things that so clearly require my focus (and to push those that don't...like Facebook, ha ha!) I cannot believe how much more I get accomplished when I just spend a preset amount of time on the computer and dedicate the rest of my day to other things.

Now...before anyone gives the, "Well, DUH. Of course you do..." speech, I think it should go without saying that I don't know how I would have made it through the last nearly two years without the support I have received via my computer. Whether it's articles to read, emails sent at just the right time, friends who are now like family via their blogs or just me being able to get stuff of my chest on this blog...there is NO.DOUBT in my mind that God ministered (and still does) to me through thousands of different ways using technology. And I am grateful.

I'm just at a different place where my time is needed differently...and though I miss a lot of the security that I have had in others 'who get it'...I'm feeling more BRAVE these days and am able to wean myself.

So...speaking of weaning. (This is what happens when I go almost a month without updating. SO much to write about. SO little time or space!)

Yesterday I had a really encouraging doctor's visit. I haven't really been throwing a lot of details out because there's still a lot of stuff that is ahead of us, but the gist is that we are looking into perhaps having another child. I didn't really intend to share this quite so soon, but I posted a status on Facebook yesterday that said I was praying with expectancy, and sort of opened an accidental can of worms. I MEANT that I was praying with the expectancy that God will continue to show His amazing glory and hope that meant an even larger family for us.

Not that I am expecting, ha ha!

(Yet. Soon? Hopefully? Maybe? Who knows?)

So let me set the record straight--and I'm glad to do so with some clarity right now.

We are going to explore different options.

It will be difficult no matter what happens because John will be very busy and gone for the better part of all of next year.

If it doesn't happen, I will not feel one bit incomplete as a mother. I was given the gift of two amazingly beautiful and precious baby boys. That's more than I ever dared to dream. Those baby boys have already exceeded every expectation of what it means to be a mother and another child in our family truly will be icing on the cake. (Yummy, delicious and super loved icing!)

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. Yes, an official day. Not many people know that because October is all about the pink for breast cancer. I've said it before. Both issues are close to my heart, obviously. I have enough room to honor and remember for each situation.

I miss Matthew. With each new thing Luke does, and each day looking less and less like my pictures of Matthew...it seems like Matthew just falls a little farther behind us...and by us, I mean where we are as a family. I hate that feeling, but I realize that time doesn't stop because a family member's life does. Balancing that feeling and realization is hard. I'm glad there are days that help everyone remember how life changing losing a child is.

Because trust me. Those of us who have never forget. And it's nice when others remember.

*********************************************

Luke is fabulous. So, he and I both had the flu. Reported to the CDC and everything type of flu. (Also known as the one with the letters and numbers but don't want some weird spam comments!) We've basically been sort of quarantined for a bit and it was MISERABLE for me. Thankfully, according to his doctor, he is the poster boy of the flu. Then she said he was actually poster boy for breast feeding since she believes that's why he had no symptoms other than really messy diapers all day long and he tested positive when I tested. He still has some residual chest and nasal congestion, as do I, but seriously...this little boy is just amazing. One would never know how sick our family has been!

That said, we've been trying to take advantage of some of the fun fall activities this season brings. I love all these memories we are making with Luke. He may not remember them...but this mommy always, always, always will. I am so grateful.

Fun at Cox Farm!

It was all fun and games until Bessie the plastic cow stepped in...

Which set the tone for the rest of the afternoon!!!!

Although, hotdogs sure made it better. (Yes, I know. Hotdogs. It was just a teeny bit and they were all beef.)

Where's that cow??????

The next day at the Apple Festival at Grave's Mountain was much better!!!! (And yes, two completely different outfits that look the same!)

FOOD!

One's tired...and one's tired of pictures!

The next day was super fun at Busch Gardens with our dear friends!

First carousel ride!

He is Lukealicious!!! I gobble him up!

This is SO much fun!

Loved giggling with Matthew and Brad!

HUGE fan of Big Bird!

But surely worn out!

At his 9 month appointment last week, he weighed in at 18 lbs., 4 oz. That is 20th percentile. The nurse double-checked and said, "That can't be right!"

I told her that's about what he normally is and she looked at me very suspiciously and said, "That boy doesn't look like he misses a meal!"

No, he doesn't. Crazy, huh? Everyone always comments on how solid and bulky he is...but still...20th%! He was 28.3 inches, though, and that was 57th percentile, so...again, as usual, long and lean. (I giggle at lean every time I kiss those sausage hands!) Head circumference was 22nd percentile. Daddy's little head. All in all, a great visit. I loved the doctor he saw. I loved what he told me. "Nobody ever gets carried to college. Hold him and carry him all you want. He is healthy and developmentally right on track...he'll do what he wants when he wants."

Done.

And he is doing just what he wants! Little turkey still can't sit himself up from a laying down position (though he is just about there), and he is still 'crawling' by dragging his whole body with his arms, but last night he stood. On his own. Not holding onto anything and even balanced for a few seconds. Then he took a step toward his play table! He doesn't even really seem to care about crawling anymore, but standing. Not even walking so much. Just standing. The doctor noted that, "Hmmm...he doesn't want to sit down, does he???" Nope. He never has. Always liked to be on those feet, and now is no exception!

I mentioned weaning him. I don't want to. It's killing me. BUT...I have to in order to do the testing I need to do for Shady Grove. So...we'll see how that goes. He's already basically trying to wean himself (he LIVES for solids. I again talked with the doctor about it and she said it wasn't preferrable to wean this early, but it was common and some babies just naturally transitioned with no difficulty because they were ready and wanted to do so. Would figure that would be my Luke.) So...he'll have breastmilk until 10 months and then another half a month or more of pumped breastmilk and then formula for another month and a half or so. And we are working on more vegetables! He loves, loves, loves to try just about anything on our spoons. He likes lasagna, but spaghetti noodles feel weird to him. We've talked extensively about food allergies and we pretty much all agree that he has them..or at least sensitivity. The thing is that unless his reactions (which are now pretty much slight rashes) are serious, the APP doesn't recommend withholding the food. New studies on allergies in infants are coming out right and left saying that they'll have allergies or not...so it's a matter of managing what is given based on reaction. Our problem is that he has such sensitive skin, it's hard to tell if he is reacting to something or someone breathed on him the wrong way, so for now, his pediatricians, dermatologist and allergists all are ok with him trying whatever he is interested in and watching for reaction. Food allergies were HORRID for me...so I pray he's spared!

Ok. Too much rambling and the boy is up. I got up at 6:30 on a Saturday just to do this and now he's up and we're starting another fun day. Can't wait!

Here are some more pictures of the last few weeks!

He loves his Dixie Belle!

Humoring mom with some crawling!

I'm in trouble this hat season because the boy knows how to take them off. And does so. Quickly!

Hard at work!

Loves his bath bubble machine!

No sippy cups for him. Straws, please. Only. Even sippy cups with straws aggravate him because of the valve. He loves his juice boxes!

Mom might have gotten a bit out of hand with the big circle for 9 months!

Brave

2011-09-21T15:59:00.006-04:00

So...I'm doing a new Bible study at our church. It's weird to say our church, because it WAS our church for years before we moved to Maryland and joined 'our' church. Since we've moved, we've left 'our' church, and have been re-attending 'our' church and will rejoin 'our' church in the next few weeks. Moral of that paragraph? We are blessed to have been and be part of amazing church families...in Maryland and in North Carolina. 'Our' church exists in a few states, and we are so grateful.

This study, Brave, by Angela Thomas, is AMAZING. Seriously. In the last two weeks I've been doing it, I really feel like God has been talking to me in some heavy-duty ways. I realized last week that I've been worn out...just exhausted...and it's been grief.

This week...discussing suffering thorns...yep, spoke volumes to me too. Mostly, the last part of the last day screamed at me: "What if our thorns are a part of God's perfect plan for me?" "Can we trust in God's perfect ways even though we bear thorns?"

The surface answer, for me, if I am honest, is, "Ummm...no. Had all that trust in you before, God, and look what happened." If I am honest, up until this last few weeks, my trust has been that no matter what the consequences of life are, I'll survive...and that God gives me the grace and mercy and ability to do so.

But trust God? Like, trust what He actually plans and does? Not so much.

Because sometimes, those things HURT. Unbearably. Who wants that? Who wants to trust in that happening? Easier to just trust that you survive life's events with His help.

But not per His plan. Because that would mean that His plan meant Matthew was going to die. Matthew was destined to die. He allowed me to suffer 11 years of infertility and then gave me a perfect and wonderful little boy who was DESTINED TO DIE.

I've struggled with that for one year, nine months and twenty-three days.

Still struggle.

But am giving it to God and telling Him, "Yes. I can trust you."

Which is something I've not been able to say in a long, long time.

There's a lot going on in our lives. Too much to write about and yet, I probably should because I'll want to remember. Or not.

Instead, here are some pictures of my sweet, sweet boy. He got bitten by a mosquito last week that literally had me in tears calling the doctor because after three days, he still looked horrible...it was his first black eye, because of a mosquito! We'll be addressing that with the doctor.

Within a minute of being bitten, he started to swell...about the size of a quarter! Then, over the next day, it turned into a shiner...this is him on the downside...

He also went on a small, but devastating to mama, nursing strike. We're working our way back to normal.

And that boy's eyes are BROWN. I love it. Both my boys have their mama's eyes.

He's always thinking!!!

Cookies are GOOD! (An organic vanilla teething biscuit...he LOVED IT!)

Cried when I took it!

Dixie came and made him feel better!

From our first playdate!! He wasn't sure of the swing!

Won our game Saturday, woohoo! (No, not WAHOO!)

Digs prunes too...thought he'd just suck it but he shoved the whole thing! I took it and broke it up, of course!

Getting some hair, finally! (LOVE that sweet swirl!!!)

Catching Our Breath!

2011-09-15T22:02:00.007-04:00

This is the best view...sweet boy looking up at me from his walks!

Where to start? I am so far behind in the Luke updates! I have to admit that Facebook makes it super easy for me to upload pictures for updates for most, so the blog updates fall behind. A dear, dear, dear woman in our lives told me tonight that she was glad to be able to keep up with him through the blog, so after reading her email, I am sitting down and making the time to update, just for MA!

Luke is UH-MAZING! He gets more and more giggly and fun every day. He is 8 and a half months, and at last weigh and measure, he was 18 lbs., 5 oz. and a little over 27 inches. Those are not official stats, as we are using a different scale and way to measure his length, so we’ll get the officials at his 9-month appointment on October 6. His two little bottom teeth are growing nicely and so.darned.cute! The top two look like they are about to pop through any day, but they’ve looked like that for months, so….I have to say---teething has been SO not a big process for us and I am so grateful. Once or twice in the last few weeks, he’s had a couple of rough night patches, but for the most part…he’s a solid 12-hour or more a night sleeper and I am so lucky! Even when he wakes up some, he’ll talk himself back to sleep.

That boy is a talker. I do not know where he gets it.

Oh, yeah. I do.

Anyway…he’s definitely crawling more, but still not the full-on crawl. He’s more mobile (and REALLY mobile!) with his back-arch crawl, but after spending the morning in the base childcare center while I took a class the other day, and watching a 6 month old crawl, he has decided he’s at least interested in trying to do it the normal way. It won’t be long before we start putting the fences up because he is definitely a mover. He (like his daddy) does not necessarily love being still!

Yeah, diaper changes are SUPER fun! This is how he crawls around everywhere...including during diaper/clothes changes!

He’s getting a really funny sense of humor! When daddy reads his favorite book (Mama Llama books!), he’ll laugh. For instance, John will read a page and then stop…and when he stops, Luke will look at the pictures and sort of giggle at them as if he completely understands the funny of it all.

What in the WORLD is daddy reading?????

He loves to laugh. I love that. I love, love, love that my boy loves to laugh, because let’s face it, so does his mama.

Grateful for the many, many opportunities to do so that I am given.

We’ve started brushing his teeth with him at night as part of his bedtime routine and he LOVES it. Loves holding the toothbrush and sucking on it…loves the taste of the toothpaste (Weleda) and boy, does he have a GRIP! Again, like Mama, I think he’s going to be an overachiever with brushing and I’m thrilled!

Don't try to take the boy's toothbrush. It's not happening!

He’s eating more solids, but still not a fan of the veggies. He likes oatmeal more than rice; sweet potato more than yam; peaches more than plums and, to quote the day care worker the other day, “Puts a HURTIN’ on some PUFFS!”

His puff-to-mouth ratio is still in need of some work, ha ha!

Yes, he LOVES those Puffs! I’ll put a couple on his tray as I’m preparing his food and it’s hilarious to watch those chubby little wrists go FLYING for the Puffs! They are my go-to fixers of just about anything that is making him unhappy.

Would you STOP giving me VEGETABLES????

What the heck do you expect me to do with THIS? (We thought letting him try broccoli on his own terms might be fun. Ummm, no.)

Which, still, is not much. He is just such, such, such a good-natured baby. I will say, however, that some of his little temper DOES come out when he’s eating. If he doesn’t want it—he DOES.NOT.WANT.IT. He will grunt, groan, and GROWL! It’s so funny, I have to admit. I decided to try a whole pea the other day with him when we visited ECU and met up with Lindsay and Collen. We shared a pea with Luke and I thought we might have hit on something when Luke took the pea, put it in his mouth, and then didn’t growl or grimace. I was so excited!

Then I tried to give him a bite of applesauce…and the pea was still there. SEVEN TIMES I thought he’d swallowed the pea and I gave him another bite of applesauce. SEVEN times he managed to swallow all the applesauce but keep the pea in his mouth.

And (TMI warning) here’s the kicker…a day and a half later, that pea…came back out in his diaper. IN TACT. Seriously. I’m not lying. The pea was IN TACT.

That boy is something else. I just adore, adore, adore him.

Here are a couple of pictures from the last few weeks…I’m going to try to be better about them because I am feeling like I am getting behind and don’t want to….but I have to say, he’s so darned cute—there are tons and tons of pictures I COULD post!!! Good thing he’s so ok with me having the camera!

Getting to meet sweet little Collen! Let me tell you, that boy has (like is Mommy and his Papa!) some heartbreaking baby-blues! He was trying to get Luke to interact with him the whole time! Love it!

Umm...dad? It's flipping HOT! THIS is college football? (Yes, son, sometimes it is!)

It was hot as heck initially and that sweet boy was so tired, so he just napped in my arms for the first 40 minutes of the game (which, by the way, we won!)

He had a BLAST! All the people around us told us he was so well-behaved and that he looked like he was having so much fun. He WAS!

On our way home (we ate at the yummy deli in the background before the game!)...Daddy and Luke look like they had a tough time sweating that game out!

Yeah, 8 months sure.is.fun!

"Does anyone else wonder why I often find myself sitting next to this froggy???"

He loves his Dixie Belle (and she loves to lick him!!!). He thinks she is the best thing in the world!

Light-Bulb Moments...

2011-09-08T14:22:00.004-04:00

Sometimes, they just hit.

Sometimes, someone hits you with them.

Today, I was hit with a few.

I have to stop using the "My child died, so don't expect _______" card. In fairness, I don't think I use it that often, but even when I do, I am totally cognizant of the fact that I do, and that in and of itself makes me unhappy. I get mad when other people use Matthew's death to somehow be all about them, so why do I hold myself to a different standard just because I am his mom?

Life stinks...for a lot of people. Look at the famine in Africa right now. Watch the news and try not to cry over those poor mothers who can't feed their children. I cannot imagine Luke crying to me because he was hungry and I was helpless. I cry thinking about it. I do not want to use Matthew's death, and my residual 'hermit-yness', for lack of a better word, as excuses for not being the person God calls me to be...to serve where He calls me to serve, and to do what He asks me to do. I often joke that we all have our crosses to bear, but I am jealous of those who carry 'tissue-paper' crosses when mine is more like cement.

Maybe it is, but that's no excuse for me to just claim "But you don't know my story..." and I do that. Again, not often, but I do. I want to stop.

Also, it may be pretty apparent (by my lack of writing, which a good friend says always worries her!) and in the conflicted things I write that I've been having a hard time of things lately. Hard time with being unsettled. Hard time with John being so busy. Hard time with missing my little cocoon of protection and support in Maryland. Hard time missing my boy....hard time feeling guilty about having a hard time.

Yes, just hard time.

So the other lightbulb moment thrown at me, when talking about the guilt that comes from being happy with Luke and not sad about Matthew (though I am, of course...) was this, "Luke not only wants you to be happy, he needs you to be happy. Matthew really doesn't care either way, does he?"

Nope. The reality is that it makes no difference to Matthew whether I am happy, sad, guilty, depressed, manic, content, whatever...but it makes all the difference in the world to Luke.

Don't get me wrong--Luke is a happy, happy boy and I know he knows that he is my whole world. It's very obvious to just about anyone that meets him that he is a very loved and happy baby, and very secure in his parents just being thrilled to be his parents.

But until a few minutes ago, that carried such tremendous guilt. It's just NOT NATURAL to be so darned happy and content when you have a child in a grave. Any way the coin is tossed, it's NOT. People don't understand how elation and devastation can coexist and again, it's mostly because those two feelings usually are not naturally felt together. Being so happy to be Luke's mom and to love him and mother him, I feel guilty because I AM happy...even though Matthew is dead.

That guilt is so powerful, but I'm not going to give it any more power. My guilt does NO one any good. It doesn't honor or respect Matthew...he doesn't even know or care.

But Luke does. It matters to Luke. Or could matter if I allowed it to. My counselor told me about a patient who lost a sibling at an early age, and remembers his mommy and daddy always being sad after that happened.

I have to give both John and myself credit in that I don't think we let the grief of losing Matthew color our relationship with Luke--Luke is just so darned easy to love and cuddle and be so happy for and with. He really doesn't ever see either of us with anything but pure glee on our faces with every single thing he does!

I intend for it to stay that way. I want him to know that his brother passing was the worst thing in our entire lives, but that it didn't break us. It almost did...but didn't. And that Luke is so easily capable of making our hearts full. I don't want him to ever think that he wasn't enough...or that he never had the fullness of our love because our grief stole that from him.

The grief is there...and will always be.

But I won't feel guilty about not letting it steal what is rightfully Luke's...the knowledge that he is supremely loved for who HE is. Matthew being gone will never change, but Luke's security in what he means to this family depends on us. As I said, he's so darned lovable, it's been easy to be completely in love with him--to the point that sometimes, I feel guilty that I love him so much and can't easily show the same love for Matthew.

No more guilt over that. I'd love him like I do whether or not Matthew was alive, and that's how it's supposed to be.

Speaking of...he just woke up from his (2 hour!) nap and is calling for mama. Today, at 12:08 pm, he made the sign for milk and TOTALLY meant it. That boy is growing up so much.

I love every second of it. Guilt free.

Reality

2011-09-07T13:13:00.005-04:00

So, I've been guilting myself because I have to catch up on THREE WEEKS of Luke on this, 'his' blog...and I haven't because I've had these things on my heart and in my mind that I've wanted to write about Matthew. So, not really having the time to do both (or either, really) I've neglected both. Don't want to put things about Matthew off just because Luke is living and therefore, won't write about Luke until I get Matthew thoughts written...which just leads to nothing getting written and a lot of guilt hanging over my head.

But in catching up with a sweet, sweet friend this morning, her words struck me: "It boils down to who the blog is for."

I know she was trying to make me feel better about wanting to write what I need to write--thoughts about whomever I need to air and not feeling like I had to choose one over the other. And she did (thank you!) make me feel better..because there was a moment of really strong clarity I'd forgotten.

When I found my mom's blog years after she died, I felt like I found a gold mine. "Blogging" for me started when we were going to adopt because I wanted my children to know my thoughts and feelings. Obviously, a very therapeutic and cathartic-in-the-process way for me to share my thoughts, but bottom line: for my children to know me.

The reality is...Matthew will never read this. Luke will.

He grows so quickly. He changes so much EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. My thoughts rarely change. It's important to me to chronicle him and not lose anything more than I already feel I lose just because time moving so quickly takes it away. I give myself so much guilt about not keeping up with all his milestones as I should (teeth! Dada! crawling!) and I need to just start being better about keeping up with them to get rid of that guilt.

So...I will. And when I have something I need to get off my chest, I will...because I'll have done a better job of keeping up with Luke, ha ha!

Starting...tomorrow, of course. Right now, Giggles and I are going to practice some crawling!

Oh, and our first football game is coming up this weekend at ECU! We are going to meet up with our (albeit, Pirate!) friends Lindsay, Jeremy and Collen. CAN'T WAIT! GO, HOKIES!

I mean, with this guy on their side, how can they NOT win????

Sunshine

2011-08-29T23:19:00.004-04:00

Luke, I hope one day you are surrounded--be it in real life or virtually--by people with kind, compassionate, empathetic and sympathetic hearts.

Mommy sure is.

I needed to get what I wrote last night off my chest. I *really* need to do your blog because it's been over two weeks with no new pictures, but I just feel like my heart is so heavy sometimes with things I want to be understood, and sometimes, writing them and then being told, "I get it." just makes my heart a million times lighter.

I know everyone doesn't get it. That's ok. Even if no one did, that'd be ok. Many days, I don't.

So I want you to know, one day when you read this, that while I do think about what my life would be like if Matthew had lived and you'd not been born...there is no, no, no way that I would ever choose to give you back. For anything.

Or anyone.

That makes my heart hurt too, because I feel like in saying that, I'm saying I love you more than I love Matthew. That's not it. Nor do I love him more than you.

I wouldn't have chosen to give him back, either...if I had the choice.

I just want you to know how much I love you. You have been screaming your poor little head off for nearly an hour and 15 minutes, which is about the longest I've EVER heard you do that! You went to sleep just fine, but woke up sort of yelping and wouldn't settle. I changed you, nursed you, tried to rock you, let you try to settle yourself...Tylenol, Highland's Drops...nothing, nothing, nothing would settle you. Finally about 15 minutes ago, you let me hold you and rock you to sleep. I imagine it's a bit of your teeth, and a bit of you just being worked up, but I just wanted to fix it. As I held you, you gave those poor, poor little whimpers that proved you'd been crying a good cry, and I just melt over those every time I hear them. You are so precious to me. You brought sunshine back into our lives. Even on nights like this, I just thank God that I was able to sit in that chair with you and rock you...hold you in my arms and sing to you and let you know that I was there and would always, always love you.

If you ever wonder if you are loved, please know you are. If you ever doubt that I'd not move Heaven and earth for you, please know that I would. If you ever question whether I am glad you were born, regardless of how it came to be, please know that I am.

So much. More than I can put into words, and more than I think you could imagine.

You are truly our Luke...bringer of light...and I love you, sweet boy.

Markers

2011-08-28T21:29:00.003-04:00

I miss him every day. Stings more on marker days.

I'm going to be very, very honest. Judge if you want, but know that unless you've walked in my shoes, you couldn't possibly understand how what I am about to write hurts me.

Some days, it is so.so.so easy to just *feel* like Matthew never even existed because life is so full with Luke. Matthew seems so far away. So much was a blur. He was gone before I even got much of anything with him. Certainly nowhere near what I've been able to have with Luke.

Other days, it is so.so.so easy to wonder whether or not I would really even know what I was missing if Matthew had lived and Luke wasn't born? I mean, if Luke wasn't born, and I didn't know him and love him, and I had Matthew and my life was full with him, would I even know the difference? Would I even care? Would I know (or care) that Luke was not with me because I'd have Matthew?

And both of those thought branches make my heart hurt so much. Just thinking about them just overwhelms me with guilt and grief and disgust for the situation and my thoughts.

Especially on Marker days.

Summer Lovin'

2011-08-16T20:55:00.011-04:00

WHEW.

I'm tired! Summer is disappearing at an ALARMING rate, and though we are busy, we are loving EVERY.SECOND.OF.IT! My boy is a lot more like me than just in looks... (though seriously, looking at these two pictures, it's pretty obvious he's my boy, huh???? Right down to the lip-suck thing I did until I was easily 5 or so, and even now, John says, when I am anxious or nervous. Don't know when he'd have any time to witness me being like that or anything...just sayin'.) In this picture, Luke is having a ball in his bath last week, while I am about 3 and pretty worried about something. Luke and I are a lot alike in picture taking as well...either we are worried about something or the whole darned picture is taken up by our gaping, laughing mouth!

Anyway, as I was saying, he is a lot like his mommy (and daddy too, though daddy could live without the beach if he had to choose beach or mountain and I'd pick BEACH every time!) because the boy likes warm water and loves the beach! He has had such a great time over the last few weekends...it's so nice to be able to hop in the car and head to the beach for the day...I have to say that the week is SO busy in that John is working a lot, but we are enjoying not really having too much responsibility or obligation but hanging out together during the weekends!

He loves the beach so much, he didn't even fuss a bit when he went head first into the sand (for the record, dad slipped on this one, but who's keeping score???).

Daddy telling some water secrets, no doubt!

Sand is SO yummy! (Yes, those of you who know me so well...there's nothing that cures OCD like immersion therapy, let me tell you....)

He is really enjoying being a little social butterfly (again, not sure where he comes by that)...and we had a family day here in Jacksonville. He was such a trooper, in that even though it was cooler than it had been, it was still HOT. HOT. HOT! Let me repeat, hot. He just walked around with us, took in the sights and people, and had no problem letting people hold him and play with him. He's starting to really come into the whole stranger anxiety phase, especially when tired, but for the most part, he'll still be amiable to those who are interested in him. Getting more and more clingy with Mommy, but that's ok...I love it and it's a sign that he is developing just as he should be!

Some MAG 26 Family Day shots....

I adore this foot. Believe it or not...when he was born, it was SO big, compared to his body...just like his brother's! Now, though, at 7.5 months, it is STILL not as big as Matthew's was...AT BIRTH! Crazy, huh?

He weighs about 17 pounds, 10 oz. He's not really had any major growth spurt, and I guess he's eating ok because he looks fabulous and seems healthy. He's not nursing as much, much to my dismay, and not really even because he's more into solids, though he's getting decent servings of those...he is just TOO DISTRACTED and too interested in other stuff to nurse much. My plan is to wean him in October, after I get back from the Anchored By Hope memorial, and I am pumping to give him more breast milk when I've weaned him. There's a story behind that...but for another day and time. I'm not happy about weaning him earlier than I wanted (I'd keep him nursing for a lot longer than I thought I would, and certainly longer than a year, if I could...) but I know he's gotten a lot out of what we'll have done (he'll be almost 10 months). He likes solids, but he's pretty picky about choosing sweets over vegetables. Now his Grandma will tell you that he gets this pickiness from his mommy (love you, Grandma!!!!!!!) but that's not true because though I DO LOVE the sweets...I love the vegetables too. Except for peas, lima beans and sweet potato or yams. Which seem to be the veggies he likes (well, sweet potato and yams) so go figure. He LOVES peaches and bananas and I make sure he gets avocado and banana every day because he likes that and avocado is so good for him. I'm taking a Photoshop class (oy! I can't keep up!! My brain is FRIED!) and left Luke with John the other night for three hours. He was to feed him from a bottle and go through the night routine.

Luke was having NONE OF IT. Texts back and forth declared that Luke was all about Mommy. Period. He did not want the bottle. Period. This will present a big problem in a few weeks when I go to the Women of Faith conference with Nanci, so we bought Podee bottles and so far, I can get him to drink apple juice like a champ, so hoping that breastmilk will soon follow. We'll see.

My favorite part of that whole night was that John, the next day, talked of me leaving him with 'experimental food' for Luke.

If BREAST MILK in a bottle is experimental, we're in big trouble!!! John cracks me up sometimes!

Still sleeping well, though not really regular for naps except he needs them...and when he needs them, he NEEDS them! He will not fall asleep nursing anymore--if he's tired, he'd prefer to sleep rather than eat, and he will pull off and fuss and fuss until I put him in his crib to go to sleep. Who can complain that he's so used to his crib that he WANTS it????

A mommy who worries that he's eating enough, that's who. Sigh...there's always something, right?

I wish I had more time to write. I hate going between posts so long and my goal is to get better...mostly for me and our documentation. I take pictures and video ALL.DAY.LONG, but I want to remember little things that he does and that happen that I don't always capture in pictures. My dear friend Heather started doing this with her Liam (a boy we just love, love, love...he is four days older than Luke and his mommy and I were blessed to go through our pregnancies together being just days apart!!!) and I want to do this with Luke also. Not sure that I'll be good at keeping up, but I'll try.

So...I'll start with just a few things I miss:

How small and helpless he was...he is SO independent these days, it seems...so much a "I want to do it MYSELF" kind of kid, I think. I miss his needing Mommy more.
This look he would give John when John would turn him on his side in the bath to get his back...Luke would look back over his shoulder at John with the most trusting and innocent eyes...and then SMILE...just makes me melt thinking about it!
3 AM feedings. Yes. I knew I would. I said I would. I always said I would like some solid sleep (and won't lie, it is SO nice that he's sleeping 11-12 hours straight!) But I miss just him and me...in his room...looking at Matthew's nightlight (a very special little boy named Bricen is going to get his nightlight to match his room perfectly!)...those were very special and priceless times. I miss that.
Telling people how old he was...in DAYS. I remember someone at the doctor asking how old he was and I said, "Six Days." SIX DAYS. Ohhhh...I wish I could freeze time sometimes.

Okay, I'm getting weepy typing. And it's late. So...here are some pictures from the last two weeks. We had SO much fun at the Sneads Ferry Shrimp Festival--I saw lots of friends and can't wait to see more. Plus, we had some photo shoot mornings that made me laugh because he was so funny. He's a camera ham.

Again...don't know where he gets any of that.

Just wait, Froggy...I'm gonna catch you SOON!

TOES ARE YUMMY!

Taking his morning play sessions seriously!

Daddy wore this outfit when he was a baby. Luke is a little 'fluffy' for it....

Channeling Jack Nicholson...

Loves the pool!

Going into the Shrimp Festival....sound asleep!

But all smiles when he woke up!!

One of my SWEEThearts from years ago...so love seeing my 'babies'!!!

New pair of Babylegs!!!

His eyes were blue-green that day, but really are more brown/dark hazel consistently.

SUCH a great baby at the beach...gets tired...puts himself to sleep. Seriously, he's SO low maintenance!

Getting ready to stock up on fall/winter hats...this was just for fun!!!

More Beach fun!!!!

LOVE this..

This Is What Six Months Looks Like...

2011-08-06T23:06:00.004-04:00

ADORABLE!!! Of course, when Kris takes the pictures, there's no other option!!!!

Go here and check our cutie patootie's 6-month pictures:

http://www.pringleblog.com/

Luke-Alicious!

2011-08-04T21:06:00.007-04:00

Yes, he is.

Just delicious.

His Uncle Shan first called him that, and it SO fits him! He is pudgy and squishy and giggly and cuddly and just delicious.

Luke-alicous indeed!

And he's SEVEN WHOLE MONTHS!!!! Today he wore a big old 7 on his chest and I could not believe it. As he sat there like such a big boy, I just couldn't believe that just yesterday, he was this itty bitty baby kitty I had to buy PREEMIE clothes for, and THOSE were big! He's a hair shy of 27 inches, so that's still in the 42ndish percentile, and he's about 16 lbs., 13 oz., which is the 23rd percentile for weight. His little head (following daddy's footsteps) is 16.75 inches, which is about the 14th percentile. These are all following the same curve he's been on for months now, so even though they are low percentiles, they are consistent with how he's been growing and if you look at him, there's no doubt that he's a pudgesicle!!!

A healthy one, at that. Still not so much as anything barely more than a sniffle since he's been born, and I'm so grateful for his health. We saw the urologist yesterday and he said that Luke's doing fine, but we should have an ultrasound every year until his kidney enlargement norms out. If it does. If it doesn't, well...as long as there's no issue, no biggie. He did agree that any temperatures of 100.5 or higher should warrant a urine test, and again, I am just so thankful that he's been so healthy and we've not had any fevers yet. Here's hoping we don't for a long, long time!

We got to see all of my Dixon teacher friends. I have MISSED them so much!! It's such a blessing to be able to pick friendships up from just about anywhere like you haven't even missed a beat (or been separated by hundreds of miles for several years!). Luke thoroughly enjoyed being loved on by all his 'aunts' and Baby Nolen. Okay, Baby Nolen is now nearly EIGHT, and we can't call him Baby Nolen (to his face) any more, but he is a little miracle boy himself, so he'll always be Baby Nolen to me!

John brought the fish tank back and it is currently in Luke's room just because that's the biggest room in the apartment!

Luke is quite pleased with this arrangement! He gives the biggest grin imaginable when he sees those fish, and he desperately wants to get them!! Fits his ocean theme rather nicely.

He is sitting all the time now; scooting all over the place (only on his back, of course!). When he is on his tummy, he crawls....backwards. He gets very frustrated with this, so he turns over and then arches his back and inches his way every where he wants to go, with a big smile as he does.

He is eating pretty well--still only introduced a few things, but this week it was sweet potato and he LOVES it! His 'solid' diet palette now includes rice, apples, pears, avocado, banana, carrot and sweet potato. He eats the rice with something mixed each time, and he is better about carrots now. Tonight he had avocado and banana and he could NOT get enough of it! I think he may be going through a growth spurt because he is eating lots and sleeping more. Naps are anywhere from an hour to two hours, but he's easily sleeping at least 11-12 or more hours a night and still exhausted by about 7 pm. I read somewhere we should try to break the paci habit now, but I'm not really ready to give up decent sleep at night yet. I *just* started getting some, and seeing as he's only 7 months, feel like I have a few more months to go before I need to worry about it for real. I understand it's easier to take it now than later, but...can't bring myself to do it yet!

Here are some pictures from this week. He is just so much fun these days...so full of personality and wants. Wants the phone. Wants the remote. Wants the water bottle. Wants whatever you are eating. Wants whatever his pudgy little hands can grab!!!

I may have said it before, but I felt this so strongly this week...my heart is still broken into so many pieces over Matthew.

But each little piece is so full with Luke. I'm so grateful for his life. For both of their lives...

"I LOVE seven months!"

"Mommy cracks me up!"

Hard at work...rash cleared right up with the RIGHT creams!

"Umm, mom...are you sure you want to take a picture of me like this???"

"Oh, I look cute??? Ok, go ahead!"

Laughing at his Dixie Belle

All mommy's dear, dear friends. Who knows what Luke is seeing???

"Aunt Peggy, I need those glasses!"

"OH YUCK!!! This is rutabaga! I thought it was going to be sweet potato!!!!"

He looks like he's telling quite the story!

Aunt 'Juanita' makes me laugh!

So does "Baby" Nolen!

Luke is wondering whether Nolen has the creds to hold him!

Aunt Sheridan wanted to hold him with lots of open space!

Hanging out and gabbing!

Big boy with some hair growing in!

LOVE that tank!!!

"Seriously. I wish they'd stop putting me on my stomach."

Sitting up like a big boy!

Six Hundred and Seven Days and A Bright Red Fish

2011-07-28T09:19:00.006-04:00

Luke,

Six hundred and seven days. That is how long it has been since your brother was born.

I have had to navigate my life without him and still so very much with him for that long. Before I start crying and can't get out what I want to write, I want you to know what an amazing and unimaginable salve to my heart you are.

You are not your brother. You are never expected to be anything but you. But I want you to know that for every hug and kiss I give to you, I hope that when you have sweet dreams and somehow are connecting with Matthew (and every thing in my gut tells me that somehow that is happening!), it would make Mama so happy if you would share some with him.

I remember daring God to heal my heart. I remember telling Him that He just couldn't do it without bringing Matthew back, and I doubted I was going to be anyone of that miraculous scope in this world.

Of course, He didn't bring Him back. And the hole is still and always will be there.

Instead, He blessed me with you. A type of healing for a wound that will always exist, but not scream out in agony day after day as it once did. You are the balm that soothes that wound. When I get overcome with all the should-have-beens and the it's-not-fairs, I pick you up and you smile at me with such a knowing smile, I SWEAR that God is telling me, "I know. I'm sorry. It's not what I had in mind for this world, but I promise, one day, it will all be ok. Until then, drink every precious thing of this little boy I've given to you in. He's special and he's purposed and one day, the veil will be lifted."

At least that's what I tell myself He's telling me. That's what I cling to.

Yesterday, we went out to lunch with Miss Sherry, Jack and Avery. Avery is only about a month and a few days shy younger than Matthew would be. It was precious and hard at the same time, watching this beautiful little spitfire shine! She made my heart happy--fiery but nurturing, spunky but readily giving hugs and kisses. I admit, it made me wonder about how your brother would be. You, as always, were so good. Sweet, snuggly and such a blessing. We went outside so that Jack could feed the turtles, and of course, the seagulls took everything he threw. There were turtles all over the place, and even a poor, disheveled duck! It was a pretty decent-sized pond, and Miss Sherry and I were talking about the what-ifs down the road.

What if we have another baby brother or sister? What if we could? What if we couldn't?

Do you know what came, out of NOWHERE, right over to where we were?

A RED FISH.

Out of the blue. Seriously. One single, bright red fish came right up to where we (and the turtles and the gulls and the duck!) were.

I know, I know...we can read just about anything into anything.

But Luke, I get such comfort out of those little winks from God. I looked at you and you smiled at me when I told you about the Red Fish.

Like you knew.

Mama loves you so much, Luke. You are a ham and have started doing some weird thing where you tuck your lower lip in your mouth, over your gums. It's funny, because Mama used to do the very.same.thing. Wish I could find pictures. You are also in the throes of teething and just finished a hearty portion of homemade rice and homemade applesauce.

I know people thought I wouldn't stick to either cloth diapers or making your food, but I have to tell you that I love, love, love both.

There are not too many things in this world that give me more pleasure than taking care of you.

As I said, you are never to be a replacement for your brother. His permanent mark and space in our family and our hearts doesn't need to be replaced. I wish it was filled with his chubby little cheeks and loooooong spindly legs running around with me here on earth, but either way, he is our Matthew today and forever. You are always, always, always the little brother of my miraculous gift from God, but that also makes you the answer to so many, many prayers.

And Samuel Luke, God Heard. He gave you to us to bring light back into our days.

Always know that at this very second in time, at 9:36 am, July 28, 2011, my heart is overcome with gratitude for you and Matthew.

Mama adores this smile!!!!!

Seriously, you are a mess. Rashy cheeks, applesauce you must have been storing in your cheeks dripping out, drooling all over...and yet, you are SO.SO.SO cute!

You crack me up with those faces!!!!!

Your lip thing. Must feel good on your gums!!!!

Rocking Six Months!

2011-07-26T20:31:00.010-04:00

So this is obviously a bit late, as he officially turned 6 months on July 4, but since our pediatrician in Maryland went on vacation a few months back, our checkups have been pushed back and so six month stats didn’t happen until last week. I didn’t post then, though I wrote, and so I am just adding a bit to what I had written last week.

He was 16 lbs., 6 oz., naked. Previously he’d been weighed with a clean diaper on, so this is probably the most accurate weight. That’s the 24^th percentile for weight, though you would simply not believe it looking at those chubby thighs and his adorable baby cleavage. He was 26.5 inches long, which put him in the 46^th percentile, and the new pediatrician said, “Your husband must be tall and skinny.” While we prefer “Long and Lean,” I told him that John was indeed and hopefully Luke is following that profile. His head circumference was 16.5, which is onl the 14^th percentile, but growing on the same curve as it has been and since John’s head is small, perfectly fine.

We saw the new pediatrician. We like the new doctor’s office a lot. Bright, clean, friendly. Miss Dr. Sheth, but Dr. Solanki was very good. Very thorough and very compassionate when discussing Matthew. In fact, I was glad they were very interested in what had happened with Matthew, though they were unfamiliar (surprise, surprise) with vasa previa. The only thing that sort of stung a bit was when the doctor started giving me the typical ‘new baby’ spiel…you know, “Don’t shake the baby, don’t have things in his crib, don’t leave him unattended.”

I very gently interrupted him and told him that if he had to tell me those things for legal reasons, I completely understood and would listen respectfully. “However,” I said to him, ”Remember, I buried my baby son.” I assured him I was not necessarily going to need to be told to not leave the baby unattended. Bless his heart, he apologized and said, “Of course.”

We quickly moved on to more about Luke. The doctor was very impressed with his body tone and strength. He was pretty surprised at how Luke can basically stand on his own, though he obviously can’t balance and wobbles. We talked about his silly back crawling and the doctor said that babies often will do that, but rarely use that as their main mode of movement like Luke does. He goes ALL.OVER.THE.PLACE on his back with his head and legs!!!

His cradle crap seems to be doing ok, though the doctor thinks he may have some yeast rash in his neck rolls and on his cheeks (teething drool related) so we have some cream for that. Still wants me to see the dermatologist just to continue to manage. In fact, as I now type this, I've determined it's worse, and not better, so the doctor said to just go to the dermatologist asap!

We also discussed how Luke’s cradle crap seems to go crazy when I have milk. Not cheese, butter, ice cream or other dairy made products, but definitely noticeable rash occurs when I drink the milk from cereal or have a glass of chocolate milk. That’s about the only straight milk I ever have, and it’s pretty obvious there is a correlation. This doctor is pretty up on allergy issues and he said we’d definitely have to watch him as he got closer to a year and we introduced milk. Most likely, we’ll have his blood drawn to see if he is allergic, but in the meantime, the doctor said that as long as it isn’t much of a big deal, not to worry too much about elimination. Like I said, I am not a big milk drinker anyway, and since other dairy doesn’t bother him, I’ll just eat different breakfast things and that should be about all I’ll have to change.

This week he took a 2 hour and 40 minute nap. I couldn’t believe it. I kept checking to see if he was breathing. I know, morbid…but still, when you’ve been where I’ve been, can’t help it! He is sleeping through the night still, for at least 10 or more hours, but I still check on him at night too...just have to make sure he's ok.

We went to the beach and he loved it at first! We sat him in the sand and he grinned and laughed. Picked up a fistful of sand and was thrilled. Until he wobbled over and got a face full of sand. Then he looked at us all like we were a bunch of jerks for letting that happen! Not a big fan of the ocean just yet, but we’ll get there!!!! It was more the startle effect, I think…and he was tired. Right after that, my sister took him and they napped together and he was much happier!

He is such a happy and sweet little boy. Everyone always asks, “Is he always that happy?” and it’s such a blessing to say, “Yes, he is!” He’s definitely starting to get more demanding in his wants, as well as grabby and determined, but that’s ok! I love every second of his little personality coming out…even the feisty!

After all, he gets it honest!!

We visited with some wonderful family this weekend in Baltimore to celebrate cousin Andi’s graduating as Nurse Extraordinaire from Hopkins. Listening to the commencement, I was just reminded of the blessing every.single.nurse and nurse tech we have come across has been to us. I hope my sweet, sweet friends in L&D at St. Mary’s know that there is not a single day I don’t think of my Matthew, and as such, think of the amazing care you gave to him every second you had him. Andi’s ceremony reminded me of how grateful I am that there is such an honorable and noble profession as nursing.

Luke had a great time with all the family—in fact, yesterday, he sort of wondered where the party was and why he wasn’t in the middle of it. He was such a good traveler, and I again am just grateful for his wonderful temperament!

Lots more going on—with one of the houses in MD, getting settled here, doctor’s visits (another visit to the dermatologist tomorrow, per the new pediatrician’s orders for this NEW rash on his body!) and an assortment of other things. This is already WAY longer than I planned anyway, so for now, I’ll end with fun pics of Luke. There are a lot, since it’s two weeks, so bear with the cuteness!!!!

It wasn't me!!!!

Napping with Auntie B at the beach!

Taste buds talk?????

Love, love, loves his cousin Andi!

She can even get him to fall asleep!

Baby Joey at cousin Andi's graduation!

He loved, loved, loved Skylar!

Watching The Duck Song on Youtube at dinner. He LOVES it!

Unsure at first about those bubbles!

First time he felt Uncle Paul's beard!

Thought these bubbles at the aquarium were COOL!

Luke is SUCH a lucky and loved little boy!! I love how all his cousins fawned over him!!!

Daddy bought Luke a penguin book at the National Aquarium. He loves it!

Luke LOVED cousin Skylar...her braces were fun!

Can't a guy get a little privacy with a pretty girl????

Oh yeah, my cousin is a babe

Wishing he got to go to the O's game with Daddy and Uncle Pat!

Luke had a great time with his Great Uncle Pat!

He also really dug his Great Uncle Paul's beard!!!!

"Will I grow a beard like that one day???"

Aunt Marilyn was so accomodating in letting him play with her hair!!!

Luke thought Aunt Marilyn was one cool chick!

I love the look on his Aunt Marilyn's face! Such love!!!

Cousin Allison has suuuuuch a comfy shoulder!

Working hard at play time! Poor boy, check out the rash...off to the dermatologist again! Life's tough being sensitive!

Cute, cute, cute, isn't he??????

I love this sweet little smile!!!

Be It Ever So Humble....

2011-07-13T21:14:00.009-04:00

..there's no place like Home.

One day, I'll get there. I have a lot on my mind about that, but strangely, (surprise, surprise) don't feel like sharing it. Maybe it's "Doing" Maryland by remote, via North Carolina that is keeping stuff rumbling around in my head instead of out in words.

Maybe it's the heat.

Good GRAVY, North Carolina!! I remember, I remember!!! You are ONE * HOT * STATE!

I can't even complain about it because I am the girl who always says, "I'd take hot, hot, hot over cold any day!!"

I still would, but man! Talk about testing that theory! It is hot here. Hot and humid. Super hot and super humid. Oy. Poor boy has even started to get some heat rash just because it's so darned hot!!!

Great pool and beach weather, though, and once we get things a bit more settled, we plan to attack!

So, for now...we've moved into the apartment we are going to live in until we get into base housing, which should be November or December and it is 'home'. We thought we had done a pretty decent job of paring things down before we left Maryland. Nothing like moving into a place that is about a quarter the size of what you were living in before to let you know that you STILL own TOO.MUCH.JUNK!

Just too much...I am again in purge mode, and hope to maintain this for the rest of my life. I am so aggravated with all the stuff I have, mainly because I don't have any place to put it, but more because I just feel so gluttonous. Seriously, it really is sinful how much stuff we have.

In my defense, I've not grown since 1975 or so, so I don't really outgrow much and tend to keep things that still fit. Ha ha...that said, soooo much does not fit me any more! I've long since lost all my pregnanc(ies) weight and yet, things don't fit in the same way--especially in the stomach and hips. Redistribution--total and outright redistribution.

Wouldn't trade it for anything.

My sweet little Luke is just doing so well. He has handled this move like a champ. Seriously, he is so good. In the past two days with the movers, he's kept himself occupied in his exersaucer or playmat for nice stretches that allowed me to work, and other times, was content to be carried around in the sling. That said, I have to admit that I have had a sore back and shoulders because to quote our good friend Dave, that boy is BUILT!

He is solid. He is still only about 16-16.5 lbs, which is about the 25th-30th%tile, but he is really very dense. I love it. His weight seems like it's been pretty static here, but that's ok. There is no doubt he is good and healthy.

He has been babbling more and more...mamamamamamama still, but not as much as babababababa and still no idea that it's MAMA that he's saying.

He loves the pool. Daddy takes him every day and he giggles and loves it. I have a little fishy for sure!

The biggest and most WONDERFUL development is that he has been SLEEPING!!!!! In nice, long chunks!!! Without crying. Without me doing much of anything but just putting him to sleep bed, telling him that I love him and walking out of the room. I have read every, every, ever sleep book out there...from complete NO cry solutions to Weissbluth's total extinction/cry-it-out and books on all sorts of the spectrum in between. I'd get so frustrated because Luke just didn't seem to fit the profile of ANY baby in ANY of those books. Not sleeping terribly, by any means, but not consistently. Not napping horribly, but not like he 'should' be. Just completely his own little deal going on, which is fine, but didn't really give me much straight sleep, and more, I felt like all of his little 'naplets' were interfering with good, solid nighttime sleep.

So, the one book I hadn't read was Ferber's. I guess I figured I already knew what it was about, based on "Meet The Parents", of all things, and I assumed it was just another CIO book.

I was wrong. He's more about graduated extinction, which does sometimes involve some fussing, but not hours on end until the baby finally collapses in exhaustion. His science is sound, and frankly, though I don't want Luke to cry or be upset, I realize that babies DO cry and get upset. Sometimes (often) over nothing.

So when he's fed, dry, happy and tired...but won't go to sleep and quickly turns into unhappy and really tired, I was willing to try anything. After 'meeting' my friend Tina and talking to her about a few hard nights, but then great sleep, I figured I'd at least read the one book I hadn't read. And I tried it.

And LUKE SLEEPS! In fact, he doesn't necessarily want me to rock him until he falls asleep. I was doing that and after following some of Ferber's recommendations, Luke got to the point where he just wanted to go to sleep...have me put him in his crib and let him be! Now, I put him down, and even if he starts to cry (which sometimes happens), literally, within 15 seconds of me leaving his room, he starts playing with his paci and puts himself to sleep!

For the last WEEK, he's gone to bed, was asleep by 9 (we've been later due to the move) and I haven't gotten up to feed him until at least 7 am. Even if he wakes, he puts himself back to sleep.

And miracle of all miracles, he NAPS! Today, he took a nap for an HOUR AND THIRTEEN MINUTES. He'd have slept more, but I had to wake him to go out (go figure!) for an appointment!

I have to say it (and no, I'm not in any way compensated for it!) but I am a believer in Ferber!!

He's into everything, reaching for all sorts of stuff. Rolling around all over the floor and scooting all over the room (on his back using his head and feet, of course!) and even tries that when I am changing his diaper, which is super fun...not! His little personality comes out more and more each day and he is so much fun! Though still mellow and easy, he certainly knows what he wants and is very vocal in telling you! Not with screaming, but with lots of humming and babbling! Sometimes, with his paci, he just sounds like Pee Wee Herman giggling! He cracks us up!

Time to take advantage of his sleeping! Here are some pictures from the week!

We got to visit with Auntie Nanci and the girls!! SUPER FUN!

I love this picture...my sweet boy and my sweet friend who prayed so much for him!!!

And then her SU-WHEEET daughter!!!!

This pool robe isn't quite what I thought Mommy had in mind....

Cute...getting ready for a fun day at the beach!

Look, daddy...my toes!!! Tickle them!

Always has the old foot in the air!!!!

Beach Baby!

Checking the terrain out!

One cool dude!

Like Father, Like Son....

I love, love, love these precious little feet.

I love that he loves the beach also!!!

Toes sure do taste YUMMY!

Hooray For Half-Birthdays!

2011-07-07T22:14:00.008-04:00

Well, as America celebrated her 235th birthday on Monday, my sweet little Samuel Luke celebrated his Half-Birthday! I love that he is going to get fireworks every year 'just for him'!

Six months. Seriously? How*can*that*BE? It's too, too quick, in my opinion!

Yes, I'm sure to some, celebrating a half-birthday is silly, and that's ok. I'm old enough (and lived through enough) now to not really care about what others think of me or what I do. When you are the parent of cold-weather babies, and are anticipating birthday parties, you realize that a fun summer celebration of half- birthday might be worth a think-over.

I planned to do it for Matthew (even had the aquarium cake I'd make for his first birthday planned out) and plan to continue to do so for Luke.

Besides, can one ever have too much celebration of life? I don't think so...and I'm more than grateful to celebrate this little boy as much as I can!

As we are still nomads, I didn't do much more than some silly pictures and quickly made cupcakes, but he won't remember much anyway! The most important part was that he LOVED the teeensy bit of frosting I gave him. He is a sugar FIEND!

Yeah, he is ALL about 'real food' these days...check him checking that cupcake out!

YUMMMMMMMM!

"Are they KIDDING me????????"

We went over to Aunt Pretty's and Uncle Puny's to visit and play at the pool with the cousins for the day.

That evening, we went over to Great Meadow and watched fireworks. He LOVED the fireworks, which isn't too surprising since he's always loved lights.

Poor little guy was POOPED by the time we got home, and bless his heart, he slept from midnight to almost 8 am--without me feeding him through the night. For the last few nights, he's been doing that--waking up a few times in the middle of the night, but putting himself back to sleep within a minute or two. Of course, every time he wakes up, I wake up and can't go back to sleep as easily as he does, but the point is that he is sleeping longer stretches without me feeding him and I think that's progress! KEY to this whole thing is his ability to find his pacifier...I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE and LOVE some more his Wubbanubs! They are soooooo great and it's so funny to watch him maneuver and get "Tank" or "Clifford" or "Froggy" back into his mouth!

He has been an AMAZING traveler! He slept for big portions of the journey from MD to NC, and when he woke up, he'd occupy himself pretty well with his carseat toys. IF he got fussy and cried, he would instantly stop when....I put on the 40s on 4 channel!!!!! He LOVES the 40s--all the brass and badda-bings, badda-booms!! What can I say? My boy's got good taste! I'm so thankful he made the move down so easily!

Today was a HUGE day for his Mama! He has always been pretty verbal, and has been babbling a good bit lately, but today, it was "Mamamamamamamamamamama!" Now I realize he probably has no idea that he's saying my name, but it's only a matter of time, I think! So, so, so sweet...John watched him for an hour tonight while I was doing something and he said the whole time, he just babbled "Mamamamamamamamama" and then fell asleep toward the end of the hour! He makes my heart melt!

We go to the new pediatrician next week and we'll get a growth check up. Let's suffice it to say that whenever people meet Luke, they use words like, "Healthy Boy!" and "Solid!" and "Dense" and "Chunky Monkey!" and "Chubbers!" and all those words make me laugh! Who'd have thunk that Baby Kitty would be such a Pudgesicle? I love it!

I have lots more on my mind these days, but want to post this because it's important I remember MAMA happened TODAY! I hope when we get a bit more settled (as I type from a hotel) that I'll be able to write more. Lots and lots rumbling around in the old noggin!

Here are pics from this week. Honestly, isn't he just too cute????

Solid(s?) As A Rock!

2011-06-28T20:58:00.011-04:00

The last two weeks have been CRAZY busy. Without detailing every thing, suffice it to say that literally, NOTHING has been easy.

Well…smooching on my little Pudge Pop is always easy (and fun!), so I can’t say nothing has been easy.

Not much else, though.

So, long stor(ies) short…

· We got moved out of our house (with fewer tears than I thought…guess I’m still waiting for the major purge)…
· Said a million heartbreaking “See ya laters” (no good-byes)…
· Are fighting horrible summer colds (so far John is the only one run down, so pray that Luke and I somehow manage without catching it!)…
· Have taken Grandma’s house over (poor Grandma!)…
· Found out we won’t be moving into a house on base until November or December at the earliest (which is several months later than we anticipated, obviously)…
· Have scrambled to find a temporary apartment (and it’s been YEARS since I’ve filled out an application to live in an apartment. Sample questions? “Do you use illegal drugs? If yes, please explain.” Seriously????????? “Um, yes. On Fridays, I do crack and plan to use your apartment complex to produce meth in mass quantities.” Honestly!)…
· Have to figure out what of our stuff needs to be partially delivered until a house is available (and so much fun with box labels such as, ‘basement’, ‘Baby’s room’, and ‘kitchen’….who knows WHAT is in each box????)…
· Won’t get even that partially delivered stuff for another 2 weeks at that…
· Have learned that Luke is NOT fond of the spoon and/or much that accompanies it (although now with the infant feeder, he’s a little more amiable to the idea!)…
· Have been battling sleep issues with the poor boy…who can blame him????

Whew. It’s enough for me to just feel like throwing my arms in the air and having a massive hissy fit.

But that won’t make anything different, so…press on, right?

Like John said, “We’ve lived through worse.”

And we have.

Luke is doing SO much these days! ‘Scooter’ is really scooting along….mostly on his back, using his head and feet to inch him along backward. It’s hilarious. When put on his tummy, he is starting to scoot more, though, so I am pretty sure a full-fledged crawler is on his way into appearance soon!

I’ve introduced pears, apples and apple juice, and he’s iffy. Well, he loves the apple juice, but is working through the sippy cup issues—I LOVE the Beaba sippy---with the nipple. He just needs to learn how to tilt it back to use it! He gets really, really mad when he can’t get the juice and yet, hasn’t figured out just yet how to tilt it back! He’s working on it! The spoon is a totally different story, though…the other day, I didn’t even have anything on it and when he saw it, he could NOT turn his head fast enough!!! He wanted NOTHING to do with it…once he realizes how good the sweet stuff is, he relents a little, but still…not feeling solids too much these days! Of course, I write that only hours after he could NOT.GET.ENOUGH of the apples and pears through his mesh sucky. THAT is a huge hit!

He is a SOLID little boy! He’s 16 pounds now, which is still only the 30^th%tile for weight, but man! He certainly is ‘dense’, as he has been described with regard to his weight and body composition several times in the last few weeks! We *know* he has knees and elbows, but we just can’t seem to find them due to the chub-a-lub that covers them! He has the sweetest little inverted knuckles and dimples on his elbows and his thighs are just delicioso!!!! One would never know that such an Itty Bitty Baby Kitty is such a Pudge Pop these days!!! I love, love, love it!

He is rolling over and moving around like a pro. ‘Scooter’ does the funniest thing—he lays on his back, arches it, uses his head and feet and scoots himself backward…it’s so hilarious how mobile he is that way!!! He is also trying a bit to crawl the ‘real’ way, and he inches like a little wormy-worm with the best of them. I think any day now he’ll be moving more and more purposefully and I’ll be in big trouble!!! He’s a guy on the move!!!

He’s also working on sitting. He’s pretty good at sitting for a little bit on his own, but still ends up slumping over and finding his toes. In honesty, that’s pretty darned cute too!!!

We visited “Uncle Kevin” and “Aunt Melissa” and had a great time in the pool! Luke is a natural in the water and his daddy (and I!) couldn’t be happier. I see swim lessons in his future and SOON!

He’s still not sleeping as soundly as I’d like—but heck, with teething (nothing broken through yet) and moving and NO schedule consistency whatsoever, I’d think all things considered, he’s doing ok. We’ve moved bedtime up a bit earlier, and that should hopefully help as well. Naps are still icky, though for the last two days, he took a morning nap that lasted ONE WHOLE HOUR. Yep!!! Each day, his first morning nap was an HOUR! Hooray!!! No idea of why, but I’m not knocking it and hope that the trend will continue!!!

I can’t believe how quickly time has passed. Today, Matthew would be 19 months old. How different my life would be. All this moving around and crazy scheduling with a mobile little boy…it’s hard to imagine and yet, I can’t help but do so. So many times a day, though my life is really full with such an amazing and precious baby brother, “What would have been?” crosses my mind.

It used to overshadow what IS.

It doesn’t do that so much any more, and I’m thankful…but that doesn’t mean that “What would have been?” hurts any less. It’s always there…just coexisting more competently with how life is. I guess that’s how it’s supposed to be…healing doesn’t mean healed, even though so many people think it does.

There’s healing every day.

Don’t think ‘healed’ will be until we all get to Heaven and I get to kiss my Matthew’s sweet cheeks.

Here are some pictures from the last two weeks. We’ve been BUSY!

Daddy and Luke hanging around as the house is packed....

Rockin the guitars for our sweet friend Bree!

Awesome visit with our Hannah's Prayer friend Tina...and her little miracle Grant!

Mommy's great friends Mike and Lorraine!!!

Our wonderful Dr. K...at the Waldorf Shady Grove Grand Opening!

It's good to be Luke!!!!

Daddy's sweet work friend Miss Amy!

Daddy put this mustache on...all the work friends thought it was hilarious!

LOVE THIS BOY! Some photo shoot faves....

MEOW!! Helllloooo, Baby Kitty!!!!

Father's Day

Our sweet friend Bert...he was the one who spoke to mommy and daddy as Matthew was passing away...his words and scripture reading were so special to us.

Our dear, dear friend Miss Connie! We miss, miss, miss her!!!!!!

"I LOVE pooltime!"

Visiting Granddad's resting place in Arlington National Cemetery.

Right Where I Am: Eighteen Months and 19 Days

2011-06-17T22:39:00.002-04:00

So, I'm joining on a project over at Still Life With Circles...basically a 'recap' of where I am, this very minute, in my grief.

Eighteen months and nineteen days. 566 days. 80 weeks. 13,584 hours.

Every now and then, I still calculate.

Because I don't really count that way automatically anymore.

I used to. I used to be able to tell how many days, weeks, hours, minutes and seconds it had been since he'd died...and now, I find myself sometimes biting my cheek just a little bit when someone remembers him on the 28th before even *I* remember that it's another month.

Another month without him.

We drove away today. Leaving the house didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. It being empty doesn't even hurt as much as I thought. I still teared up in each room as I walked through with Luke and talk to him about what happened here and there, but overall, I'm handling leaving the house pretty well, I'd say.

It was the driving past the cemetery on our way out that got me.

Leaving his little body there. Still. Always. Forever.

That got me.

My sister and I were talking and she was trying to tell me that I shouldn't feel guilty. I told her I didn't.

And I don't. I do not feel guilt. (This time!)

I cannot control us moving. I cannot control him being gone. I cannot control much of anything. It's not guilt I feel.

It's aching. Longing, really. Just plain wistful and wishful thinking that things were different. That I knew what his smile was like. That I was able to look into his eyes. That he could hear my voice and know it was his mama, and that she loved him more than she'd ever dream she would.

I just wish it was different. I wish my heart didn't still hurt so much, but then there's no way that it couldn't really.

He is gone. My first-born is gone before I really even got to know him.

No guilt. Just longing.

That's where I find myself these days. Not feeling guilty that I adore and revolve my life around Luke. He deserves it. I'm his mother. I should.

Just wishing I'd been able to do that for Matthew as well. Accepting that I never will, and that's just not something that will change or that I can do anything about.

I'd not call this acceptance, per se, in the 'grief process' sort of way because I totally believe that tomorrow, I might feel completely different.

Heck, in 5 minutes, I might. That's just how grief is. Like one of those plastic poppers that you invert and then place on a flat surface---slowly, slowly, slowly it starts to move back into its original position and then--POP! It flies up into the air, out of control and in no particular direction.

But for now, this is where I am. Not feeling guilty. Not feeling raw. Not feeling responsible.

Just missing him.

Always missing him.